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^ That should say Yoyoddd, by the way.
Yoyoddd is an [ex]writer for Uncyclopedia. In his/her prime, he/she wrote a variety of articles, all of which were soon deleted. Here is a picture of a giant octopus with arms made of cactus and yellow eyes made of spaghetti, accused of eating Yoyoddd.
List of Articles I've Written
UnBooks:Shadow Has Two Daddies
Mephiles the Dark
Articles I've Made Major Edits/Rewrites To
Below is an article that was deleted from Uncyclopedia, but I liked it so much I kept it so everyone could see. Mostly because I wrote most of it. Looking back, it isn't as good as some of my newer work, but it's still got some good writing in it. It actually started out as an article that was going to be deleted for being ugly, so I rewrote it, and added new pictures, and saved it. Later on though it was vandalized somewhat, and though I rewrote it again, it was deleted.
“I am THE most popular Sonic character!”
“Ugh, how high WAS I when I made that thing?!”
“Shadow is a hedgehog.”
Shadow the Hedgehog is the anti-Christ to Sonic the Hedgehog. He was introduced in the Book of Adventures II and took centre stage in the Book of the Emo. Shadow was created by Professor Gerald Robotnik with the help of the false prophet Black Doom. The Lord at first commanded Prof. Robotnik to create a creature to equal Sonic in speed and abilities, as well as be a yin to Sonic's yang.
God was drinking heavily at the time and he did not realize the consequences of his actions. Soon after his creation Black Doom departed leaving Gerald to care for Shadow all on his own. However it was soon revealed that Shadow was an unruly creature with a foul mouth to boot. Shadow (along with his older sister, the Bio Lizard) soon caused much destruction in the Space Colony Ark where he was created.
Left with no other choice, God commanded Gerald to seal Shadow inside a stasis pod, not to be opened until Armageddon. Initially conceived as a true badass, Shadow had the best expectation of any God's creations. He was black and red, he had white furry chest hair, he never ran, instead he skated with hover shoes, and best off all, he was able to beat the crap out of Sonic. In short, he was every fangirl's dream.
The Book of Adventures II
Dr. Eggman, the grandson of Prof. Gerald Robotnik, learned of the creation of Shadow by his grandfather. Deliberately defying God's will, Eggman set forth to free Shadow before the end of the world. Shadow emerging from his deep slumber, swore revenge on the world, for the death of Maria Robotnik, the granddaughter of Gerald Robotnik, and his only friend. Shadow uses the power of the Chaos Emeralds, to unleash the power of the Heavenly Eclipse Cannon.
Shadow soon found out though, that God expected him to do this (all knowing as he is), and he had Gerald reprogram the Ark, so now it would crash into Earth destroying Shadow and all the abominations with it. Shadow quickly realizes that God had not intended for the Earth to be destroyed, but rather that Satan had orchestrated all these events (including the death of Maria) in order for Shadow to destroy everything, and allow him and his army of plumbers to reign supreme. Shadow, (along with the help of Sonic) used their Chaos Control to put the Ark back in the Earth's orbit. Shadow using up all his strength to prevent the destruction of the planet, fell to earth in a fiery blaze.
The Book of Heroes
However, that was not the last of the black and red hedgehog. The Lord felt sorry for the little guy. He decided that being one of his creations and as a reward for saving the Earth, Shadow would get another chance. The Lord wiped Shadow's memories clean, so he would remember nothing of his past, and could start anew.
God had a new plan for Shadow though. He sent Rouge the Bat along with E-123 Omega to partner with Shadow, thus creating Team Dark. Sonic and all the other unimportant characters created their own teams as well. They all went off to fight Eggman, who was actually Metal Sonic in disguise. They beat his shiny metal ass all the way from here to Pakistan. (Which is just a fancy way of saying they beat him up.) But not before Omega and Rouge discussed, Shadow being a clone of a robot. As if that makes sense.
After completing their mission, Team Dark had a threesome (an anatomical impossibility considering the fact that: E-123 Omega is in fact a machine, Rouge the Bat, is indeed a bat, and perhaps most perplexing off all, is the fact that Shadow has no genitalia of any kind so to speak). God saw this abomination and he lay a curse upon Shadow. He allowed Shadow's memories to start returning to him, but God also destroyed any memories of who Shadow truly was. This made Shadow extremely confused, and would be the start of the motorcycle-riding, gun-trotting, angst filled Book of Emo. (Though, us in the video game business just prefer to call it Shadow the Hedgehog.)
The Book of the Emo
God giveth Shadow guns, motorcycles, and badass Chaos abilities. With his new gifts, Shadow would be able to "do anything whatever hell he damn please" or so said God. However, there was one slight problem, Shadow was unable to understand even the most basic concepts, such as: Who he was, the difference between a hedgehog and an android, Maria, who he was, who everyone else was, the difference between good and evil, who he was, and did I mention, who he was?
During this time, the false prophet Black Doom returned to Earth, along with a army of politically incorrect "Black Aliens". Black Doom told Shadow to collect the seven Chaos Emeralds for him. Shadow agreed, knowing full well that if he didn't, there would be no point in playing the game. He helped Black Doom and did everything he said, but somehow Shadow got sidetracked and he started helping G.U.N. as well. Eventually he even began helping the mad scientist and grandson of Gerald Robotnik, Dr. Eggman. Somehow, Shadow ended up helping: Sonic, Tails, Espio, Colonel Sanders, Your Mom, a giraffe, and George Washington's Ghost. At one point, Shadow even thought he might be and android. He was going to cut himself open to find out, but he later decided against it, figuring everyone would take it as proof that he is emo.
Then, over the course of a series of months (days? Hours maybe? Shadow doesn't have a good perception of time), Shadow finally collected the final Chaos Emerald. He then brought them to Black Doom who used them warp his comet down to earth. Then he transform into the newest incarnation of Satan, known as: Devil Doom. Shadow did battle with Devil Doom, and although he was triumphant, the Black Comet of Sephiroth has already managed to land on Earth. Shadow used his Chaos Control to teleport the comet into space and use the Eclipse Cannon to destroy it (but he also did it cause explosions kick ass). It was at this point that Shadow vowed to let go of his past, and never deal with this bullcrap ever again.
We don't talk about it. Probably because Shadow kills you if you do. But we'll tell you anyway! The entire game went something like this. Shadow runs to get Rouge. "C'mon Rouge!" Shadow yells. Rouge comes. "Oh no! Eggman robot!" Shadow yells. Eggman robot comes. Shadow fights Eggman robot. Then they go to a castle for some reason. "We are at the castle!" Shadow yells. "Oh no! I dropped the Scepter!" Rouge yells. "Teehee! I am Mephiles!" Mephiles screams. "I don't like you!"
Then Mephiles pulls out a ball and shoots Shadow and Rouge with it. "Oh no! We are in the future!" Shadow yells. Then they find Sonic, and he's also in the future. "Chaos Emerald!" Rouge yells. "Don't touch it!" Shadow yells, then they get into a fight. After that, they all go back to the past, except for Shadow, 'cause he saw Mephiles. "Will you be my friend? :D" Mephiles yelled. "No!" Shadow yelled. Then they fought, and Omega came for no reason. Then they went back to the past. Then some stuff happened, and Silver came. Then he fought Shadow. "You're a meanie bo beanie!" Silver yelled.
Then they go back in time and meet Princess Elise's dad. Then there was an explosion, and her dad tried to shield himself with Elise. Then Mephiles was a pile of goo. Then Shadow caught Mephiles. Then Shadow went back to the future. Then he went to a the desert. "It's hot here!" Shadow yelled. Then he fought Mephiles. "Wanna be my friend now? :D" Mephiles yelled. Then he beat up Shadow. Then Shadow got super powers and beat up Mephiles. Then the game ended. Except there was an extra story, but I never unlocked it.
During the summer of 2008, Shadow was brought to court along with the two other hedgehogs, Sonic, and Silver. It was believed that they were involved in the rape and kidnapping of recent rape victim Amy Rose. Shadow pleaded not guilty quoting "I wouldn't touch that [Amy] with a thirty nine and a half foot pole." It was later revealed that it was Knuckles the Echidna, who acted alone in the rape and kidnapping of Amy Rose. However, the alleged rape charges hurt Shadow's career, and his appearance in The Book of Unleashed Adventures was later cut, by God.
The Sonic and Shadow Show
Following the release of Sonic 2006, Shadow saw little new public exposure. He found small roles in various games such as Sonic and the Racially Incorrect Knight, and Sonic and Friends Rip Off Mario Cart. But these were only meager roles. Shadow went to Sonic, and together they discussed the possibility of creating a TV show. After the failure of Sonic X, Sonic was uncertain about making a new show, but he agreed none the less. The pilot episode featured Shadow and Sonic beating the crap out of Chris before tossing his body in the river, mob style. Needless to say, the show was an instant hit.
Sonic was cast as the cool douche bag with not a care in the world and an eye for the ladies (but not Amy). Shadow was the strict all work and no play sort constantly getting angry at Sonic's antics. The show had Sonic and Shadow constantly getting into crazy adventures, like that time Shadow challenged Sonic to a race. Or that time Shadow took over the Earth. The show was infamous for it's crazy guest stars, such as: Dr. Eggman, Black Doom, Tails the Fox, Mario the Plumber, Cloud Strife, and a bunch of Lemmings.
The most popular part of the show were the spontaneous musical numbers in every episode. Some of the stand outs were: "Too Late To Apologize (For Sonic '06)", "Above the Ark", and "Hedgehogs Just Wanna Have Fun". The songs were widely successful and helped launch Shadow as musical sensation.
Here are some of the lyrics to "Too Late To Apologize (For Sonic '06)" below:
I'm holding on the disk,
Puttin' the game into the con-sole
I'm seeing the whole game but I just can't move around
You tell me "it's fun to play me"
Then you go and screw around, oh crap!
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and play...
I'm playing Halo instead, hell yeah! Hell yeah!
I said I'm playing Halo instead, hell yeah! Hell yeah!
Throughout it's broadcast, there was a strong belief that Shadow's character was suppose to have gay tendencies for Sonic. In every interview they did together, Sonic would further stoke such theories, angering Shadow. Things came to a head when Shadow, came to work drunk, and began a profanity laced rant about Sonic's homosexuality. Sonic was so enraged he attacked Shadow on the set. Things turned bloody when Cream the Rabbit found her way onstage and was brutally beaten during the fight. Shadow was charged with assault and battery against a minor. This (along with the alleged rape) was the reason Shadow did not appear in The Book of Sonic Unleashed Adventures. Shadow has not spoken to Sonic since.
Shadow is currently paying for Cream's medical bills and expenses. Sonic in a recent interview comment on the incident and had this to say, "you know. The thing that happened with [Shadow]. It was completely tragic. Shadow had just been bottling up all his feelings. It was almost as if he was an emotionless robot. It just had to come out sometime. I'm only saddened that Cream had to get caught up in the whole thing. She was a good kid... she was a good kid. I just wish I had done something. I saw Shadow going for that gun. I knew what he was going to do. I wanted to stop him. But I just couldn't... I just couldn't... I froze. I just couldn't react in time."
A lawyer for Shadow responded, saying, "my client, Shadow the Hedgehog, is deeply sorry for the events surrounding the hospitalization of Cream the Rabbit. Shadow, would however hope that we could all move past this tragic incident and move on with our lives. Shadow, however will not stand for the slanderious lies, created by a certain blue hedgehog." Later that day, gunshots were heard at Sonic's apartment. A black hedgehog was seen leaving the premise. It was unconfirmed if this was indeed Shadow. No one was injured, but the authorities arrested Shadow on suspicion. He was later released, and all charges were subsequently dropped, when it was discovered that it was in fact Knuckles the Echidna who had broken into Sonic's apartment and fired a gun, while dressed up as Shadow. It is was later revealed that he was trying to rape Amy Rose... again.
- Shadow was once sued by the makers of Grand Theft Auto for copyright infringement. Shadow countersued saying, "just because you can use guns, and steal cars, and beat up hookers [in the game], and the original working title was Grand Theft Hedgehog does not mean that we stole the idea from you!" Shadow soon lost the case thereafter.
- Guns don't kill people, Shadow does. With guns.
- Shadow once was a member of Fight Club.
- Shadow had a pet gun named Gunny, sadly, Gunny contracted lead poisoning, and had to be put to sleep with his own bullet.
- It's been long suspected that Mephiles, is actually the son of Shadow, due to the striking resemblance between the two. But this can't be since everyone knows Shadow is a virgin.
- Shadow is a Transformer. At least he is in the sense that he transformed from an awesome villain character, into a faggy goody two shoes, who always does what's right, and never forgets to take out the trash. Okay, so he's not a Transformer like Optimus Prime is, so sue me.
- Shadow is black, and red... and white. So I guess that makes him a Caucasian-African-America-Indian-Hedgehog. Except that he was born in space, so that really doesn't count. Go figure.
Below is my second article that I ever wrote... which was deleted. Sucks, but yeah.
The promotional poster for Chicken Little.
|Directed by||Mark Dindal|
|Produced by||Some Guy|
|Release date(s)||November 4, 2005|
|Running time||720 minutes|
Chicken Little is a 2005 documentary about the life of a chicken named Little. The film was produced by Some Guy in conjunction with Walt Disney, in a blatant attempt to rip off Pixar's animation style. It inspired two video games, one based on the film, and the other Shaq Fu, based on the "film within a film within a film."
This was Disney's first CGI animated film, as Pixar's films were not made by Disney itself, but merely had their logo smooshed on. This was also Disney's first film to be released on DVD as well as Betamax. It also aired on the Disney Channel on March 8, 2008 as Disney's "Month of Shit."
The film begins with a group of animal activists video taping a flock of chickens in the oasis of Pokey Oaks Sanctuary. One of the chickens, who they activist decided on calling Chicken Little (Adam Sandler), runs to the highest room in the tallest tower and begins to ring a bell. This drives the other chickens mad, and they soon begin to beat the shit out of each other and engage in wild orgies of sex. Chicken Little runs to the other chickens and in chicken language says "The sky is falling, Oh Em Ge, the sky is falling." After discovering that it was merely a acorn that a squirrel threw on him (because everyone knows, squirrels freakin' hate chickens). Chicken Little is then sent to a mental hospital to cure him of his insanity.A year passes and Chicken Little is soon released from the hospital. Though not quite himself (due to a lobotomy he received), he goes back to school and makes friends with: Abby Duck (Rosie O'Donnel), who's an ugly bitch; Piggy Pig (Miss Piggy), the fattest member of the group (who is ironically portrayed on the movie's poster); Stinkin' Dead Fish (Kenny McCormick), the last member of the group, and the one who isn't understandable. Kelsey Grammer) gang. The members include Foxy, and Mother Goose (Daffy Duck).
During a dodgeball game, Abby tells Chicken Little to talk to his dad or something. Its impossible to hear what she tells him over the screams of pain caused by people being brutally beaten to death with dodge balls. Mother Goose randomly grabs Chicken Little and throws him out the window, breaking the glass in the process, which of course he's blamed for. Chicken Little is then taken to the principles office. His dad then comes, and together with the principle, they beat him with nine inch nails so they can make a viral video for youtube.
Chicken Little then joins the Little League baseball team in an attempt to actually do something right in life, prove his worth, and hopefully not get turned into a pot pie. During the last inning of the final game of the season, Chicken Little strikes a home run. Sadly this does not stop him from becoming a pot pie at the end of the film.
Later that night, Chicken Little gets drunk and steals a stop sign. Later he wakes up and find out that police have a warrant out for his arrest, based upon charges of stealing public property. Chicken Little calls all his friends over, and together, they decide to hide in the baseball field. This however, would turn out to be a bad idea, as Fish is soon abducted by Michael Jackson and his flying saucer.
Soon, the "Michael Jackson" and his army of clones begin a full scale invasion, while the activist are caught in the middle. Meanwhile, Fish is dropped back down to Earth, where he gives birth to a orange gooey ball . The ball demands they take him to the group take him to the alien leader. They do so, and the gooey ball, angry at its father for being abandoned, then eats him. The ball then thanks them for their help, and takes control of the lead saucer and they all leave the atmosphere.
The movie ends with Chicken Little and Abby about to kiss, but before that can happen. A bulldozer flattens Chicken Little, which was ironically driven the activist THEMSELVES, to try and prove a point about the destruction of the rainforest or something. Chicken Little's body is then taken, and put in a chicken pot pie.
- Chicken Little: He's not really a chicken, he's actually a flamingo. He suffers from insanity and angry outbursts. Contrary to popular belief, he didn't come from an egg, no rather, he was conceived when a penguin had sex with a polar bear, creating a unholy super creature which... turned out to be a
- Abby Duck: Is a alcoholic, drug dealing duck, who also happens to be best friends with Chicken Little. She has a total boner for him (how weird is that?) But she doesn't seem to realize she's a duck he's a chicken, and cross species relationships are forbidden.
- Piggy Pig: A fat ass who is half pig, half human, all fat (who wrote this stuff?). The original actor who played him died of cardiac arrest, and was soon replaced by Miss Piggy.
- Stinkin' Dead Fish: Is a a fish of some kind. Not a whale though, because thats a mammal. He's the only character in the movie who is actually retarded (though they all appear that way in the film). An interesting fact about fish, is that he wasn't really pregnant during the filming of the movie, that was actually his really fat stunt double Al Gore. It seems that no one could tell the difference between the two of them.
- Animal Activists: The group of men and a single woman, who film the movie, they often get involved and disrupt the animals while they're mating or killing one another. Anything that isn't PG they disrupt, even if it kills the entire species and makes them go extinct. As long as its PG its alright to do so.
The music used in Chicken Little and usually consists of repetitive tunes such as:
- American Idiot (Theme of Chicken Little)
- Every Breath You Take (Theme of Abby Duck)
- Happy Being Fat (Theme of Pig)
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time (Theme of Fish)
other songs include:
- Cooking by the Book
- Like Humans Do
Production of Chicken Little began when Walt Disney's pet Chicken died of extreme obesity in 1944. This left Disney to write the early sketches of what would later be Chicken Little. The early version of Disney's sketches included a giant evil Chicken with red eyes, battle his way out of hell, this later became the basis for Spawn. The Disney executives took the sketches, and remodeled them to make the main character a flamingo (or perhaps a chicken, its impossible to tell). The original story involved Chicken Little escaping from a English poultry farm with the help of an American rooster who he believes can fly. This idea was later scrapped however, when Disney executives found out, that the story had already been done by Chicken Run (which the executives had gotten drunk and watched the night before). The story was redone once again, and became something that largely resembles the current film.
The film was a critical success, despite making only twelve cents in profits, it well exceeded its expectations of 7 cents. It's gained a cult following, become a scientologist propaganda film in small rural areas throughout China and central Asia.
- There is a little known sequel to Chicken Little entitled, Chicken Little 2: Chicken Little Fights Back From The Grave.
- During the filming of Chicken Little, hundreds of chickens were killed and used for food. Not by KFC but again, by the activist themselvs.
- Chicken Little is the only Disney movie to get an N-17 rating. Due to the disturbing scenes of bestiality and murder depicting chickens.
- Chicken Little actually costs more to watch than it cost to make. Because its said in ancient texts: "Thou who watcheth Chicken Little, be damned for eternity." Meaning, if you watch this movie, you lose your soul.
- God hates Chicken Little.
- I hate Chicken Little.
- Your Mom hates Chicken Little.
- Chicken Little hates himself.
Below is yet another article of mine which is deleted. Fear not, for soon they will all be deleted as well.
Note, however, that all the pictures are gone because... of course they're gone. They were Sonic related. No such thing can exist on... The wonderful website that is Uncyclopedia which has never ever done anything wrong. And is entirely perfect. Hehehehe...
I'm not going to bother reuploading them, because let's face the facts,
they'd all just be deleted again, and hell, this entire page risks deletion just because of the these articles it'd take up too much time to try and find them all to reupload.
Mephiles the Dark
Sonic Fans agree that this article is the worst thing to happen to Sonic since the creation of the Werehog. They all agree, that anyone who reads this article will be delt with swiftly and painfully, by a Chaos Blast to the face. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
“Holy hell! It's gay Shadow!”
“Mephiles is Dark... sort of.”
“They are really running out of character ideas.”
“Isn't that the guy I slept with last weekend? Oops, wasn't supposed to say that!”
Mephiles the Dark, is the palette swap of Shadow the Hedgehog, who was the palette swap of Sonic the Hedgehog, who was a palette swap of Mighty the Armadillo, who was a rip off of Mickey Mouse. Mephiles is the main villain in the Book of Sonic '06. Mephiles' name roughly translates as, "Satan of Hedgehogs", or "Sonic Terminator".
Solaris ProjectMephiles was created from the Solaris Project. The Solaris Project was a project (obviously), with intentions of creating the ultimate EASY-BAKE Oven. The project was at first a success, until the Duke of Soleanna decided it would be a 'great' idea to stuff a pizza in there. Needless to say the pizza overloaded the system. An explosion occurred, which split Solaris into two beings.Satan Brand Soy Sauce. Mephiles, being just a pile of goo which looked (and smelled) like dog shit, tried to squirm away, but was captured into a magic spoon by none other, than a time traveling Shadow the Hedgehog. Shadow gave the magic spoon, known then as the Scepter of Darkness to Princess Elise.
Years later Princess Elise threw the Scepter in the trash, after using it to pleasure herself. Dr. Eggman just happened to be passing by at that moment, and he thought to himself, "I sure could use a new ass scratcher." He took the Scepter with him, and gave his old, worn out, feces covered ass scratcher to Tails as a birthday present. Sometime later, after a day of furious scratching, Eggman set the scepter down while he went to get his egg roles. At that moment Rouge the Bat snuck in. She knew she would only have a less than a second to steal the scepter (that's all it takes for Eggman to scarf down a whole box of egg roles). She grabbed the Scepter and managed to escape unnoticed.
Rouge, then unfortunately forgot the way out of Eggman's house. But even MORE unfortunately, she didn't forget how to text. She contacted the President and their conversation went something like this.
- Rouge: txtin prez
- President: Rouge?
- Rouge: need ur help
- Rouge: asap
- President: Where are you?
- Rouge: im trapped n eggmans base :-O
- President: Alright, I'll send Shadow to get you.
- Rouge: yyea? coo
- Rouge: .....
- President: So...
- Rouge: wnna sext?
- President: Ok :D
Shadow broke through Eggman's defenses and rescued Rouge. Rouge informed Shadow to meet G.U.N. at the old Soleanna castle, which only happened to be in a different country, on another continent, on the other side of the world. However, when they arrived at the castle, they were soon attacked by Eggman who exclaimed in his traditional hillbilly accent, "gimme back meh butt scratcher! Ma ass is a itchin' and my hand is a too fat ta retch it!" Rouge took one look at the scepter (which had been repeatedly shoved up Eggman's rectum) and dropped it. Mephiles popped out right as the scepter shattered. Eggman ran away (surprisingly fast for a fat guy). Mephiles flew into Shadow's shadow and became a Shadow. He said, "Shadow, I am your shadow. I flew into your shadow, Shadow, and a shadow, I became, Shadow. You see, Shadow. When I touched your shadow, Shadow, I became a shadow, of you, Shadow. Shadow, I'm going to give you what you gave me, Shadow. A one way ticket to Oblivion... Shadow!" Mephiles then shot Rouge and Shadow to Oblivion.
Mephiles' Xtreme Planning
At this point, Mephiles began planning his ultimate scheme. Releasing Iblis from his seal within Princess Elise. To do this he would have to live two hundred years, to the time when Iblis was already released, then convince someone to go back in time and kill Sonic, so Elise would cry and release Iblis, thus creating a paradox as he would have no reason to release Iblis in the first place if he was already released. (Not to mention that Iblis was ALREADY released in the future, so there was no point in releasing him, unless he was the one that released him originally. But if that was true the why would he need to go back a second time?) Then Mephiles would travel back in time with said Sonic killers, and point them to their goal. After which, he would then re-travel to the future, find Shadow convince him to join him, then they would probably travel back in time again, he would fuse with Iblis, become Solaris, and stop time. Are we clear on this? Good.
How it Actually Happened
Everything started off according to plan, but then a few things went wrong. First Mephiles sent Shadow and Rouge to the future, then in this same future, he met Silver and Blaze. Mephiles convinces Silver and Blaze to kill Sonic. He then travels back with them and points them in the general direction of Sonic. At this point, Mephiles travels back to the future (but about thirty minutes after he originally left). He asks Shadow to join him, after revealing that in the future, humanity would capture Shadow. Shadow refuses (well duh, Mephiles DID send him into the future in the FIRST place!), and Mephiles gets pissed. It's at this point where things start to go downhill.
Mephiles goes through a metamorphosis, and transforms into a more crystal-like form. He has a sissy fight with Shadow, where the two hit each other, and call each other girl names. Needless to say, he gets his ass handed to him. But soon Mephiles gains the upper hand when he surprises Shadow by telling him, he's [Mephiles] "surprised at how extremely NON-emo, and NON-homosexual" he [Shadow] is. Mephiles then knocked Shadow into wall, and tried to force rape him. Unfortunately for Mephiles, his sexy attack was interrupted by E-123 Omega.
After a brief duel of Yu-Gi-Oh with Omega. Mephiles travels to the past... again. Shadow and Omega jump through the portal he created, and follow him back to the present time. Once he made it through the portal, Mephiles ran towards the beach (somehow Soleanna a beach, a forest, a ancient castle, a place that resembles Alaska, a desert, and a secret underground lab, all in one place? Ok then.), searching for a Chaos Emerald. Mephiles' plans to steal the jewel were haltered by the fat republican redneck Eggman. Eggman was searching for Chaos Emeralds to power his time machine. (Time machine? Really? Can this plot get any dumber?)
Eggman sent one of his machines to fly down and take the Chaos Emerald, which it succeeded in. Mephiles, being the baby that he is, was once again pissed by this, and used his one of his many magic powers, to damaged Eggman's battleship, the Egg Carrier, which would later cause Eggman and Elise to be killed in a explosion caused by engine failure, which caused Sonic to travel back in time, once again, and fight with Eggman on the Egg Carrier while it falls apart around them, which causes Sonic to take Elise and hop from burning piece of wreckage, to burning piece of wreckage, until Sonic fails to jump to the top of a cliff, and then begins to fall to his watery grave, but is actually saved by the fiery blast of the Egg Carrier exploding below him, which propells him and Elise to safety. (Also see WTF.)However, just as Eggman was escaping with the Chaos Emerald, Mephiles was confronted by Omega. Mephiles taunts Omega about capturing Shadow in the future among other things. The conversation went a little something like this. "Hello Bender!" Mephiles exclaimed. "Who is this 'Bender' you speak of?" Asked Omega. "We've both been to the Futurama, Omega. And in the Futurama, you capture Shadow. See, in the Futurama, everyone calls you 'Bender' and... ah, screw it. This joke is getting old. The point is robot, that you're the one who captures Shadow in the future!"
It was at this point that Omega opened fire on Mephiles. When he ran out of ammo for his machine gun, he switched to rocket launcher mode. When he ran out of rockets, he resorted to shooting fireballs at Mephiles. "Sweet Sun God of Soleanna! You're a regular Swiss-army-knife, aren't you?" Mephiles asked. By the time Shadow and Rouge arrived, Omega had already begun waterboarding Mephiles. Mephiles used this chance to escape, while Omega was temporarily distracted by Shadow's arrival.
"Shadow, I'm the one who captures you in the future." Omega revealed. "Yeah, I kind of guessed," Shadow said, completely emotionless. "It's kind of hard to forget you knocking on my door one day and then beating the shit out of my future self." Omega was just as robotic and emotionless as Shadow when he said, "yeah, wasn't that a crazy day?" Shadow shook his head and said, "you... cut my legs off." There was an awkward silence for a while, until Omega broke it by saying, "so... um... are we gonna go catch Mephiles?"
Mephiles had traveled to the pyramids of Utah (which just happened to be right next to Soleanna), after hearing a rumor about a Chaos Emerald located there. Once he entered one of the pyramids, he set a bunch of random traps, just to screw with Shadow. Mephiles made his way to the back of the pyramid where the Chaos Emerald was held. But just as he arrived Shadow barged in with intentions of ruining everything. Shadow and Mephiles engaged each other in a long and drawn out battle, until Mephiles realized, "oh yeah! I have a Chaos Emerald, I could just use that to mop the floor with this guy! Oh yeah! I forgot! I also have another Chaos Emerald stashed up my anus, I sure am forgetful today!"
With the power of two Chaos Emeralds, Mephiles was able to clone himself, ten hundred, thousand, billion, trillion, zillion, fufillion, bagillion times. Mephiles assumed that he could easily crush Shadow and his comrades. But what Mephiles didn't know was that Shadow had ultra-secret-mega-super-powers, and all he had to do to get these was take off his rings. It goes without saying, when Mephiles saw Shadow blasting through a crowd of his clones he said what we all would have said in that position, "fuck!"
After having all his clones destroyed by Shadow, and his plans to have Silver assassinate Sonic in shambles, Mephiles decided to just fuck everything and pop out of the ground and shoot Sonic through the heart. (Why he didn't just do that earlier is anyone's guess.) As expected, Elise started crying like a little bitch when she saw her true love Sonic die. Ibilis' seal was broken, and just as expected, Mephiles then jumped into Iblis and the two formed into Solaris. Solaris then began to consume time itself. We imagine he probably said something like this: *munch, munch, munch, yum, yum, yum* "This time sure IS good!"
Little did Solaris know, but below him a plan was formulating. A plan to save Sonic's soul from the devil, and to defeat Solaris once and for all. Eggman, Tails, Amy, Knuckes, Shadow, Rouge, Omega, and Silver (he somehow appeared back in the past again, I know, it doesn't make sense), decided to run all over the world and collect the Chaos Emeralds, before time was destroyed forever. (So basically they had about ten minutes, to collect seven emeralds that could be ANYWHERE in a world bigger than your mom's ass. Seems feasible.)
Somehow they did manage to collect all the Chaos Emeralds, and they used them to bring Sonic back to life (I guess he's Jesus now, huh?). But not before Elise had a make-out session with Sonic's corpse that made the entire furry community all orgasm at once. I could point out a lot of things here, like the fact that Elise kissed a animal... on the lips. A dead animal no less, that was probably filled with rabies. I could point out that, while it's not technically bestiality nor is it necrophilia, but it's by no means sanitary. I could point out that while Elise could be helping the others save the world, she's too busy frenching a dead rodent. No, I won't point out any of that stuff. Nope. No way.
With Sonic back to life, he decided to turn all Super. He then proceeded to touch Shadow and Silver and spread the Super to them, via a disease. Now infected with the Super also, the three hedgehogs flew away (though it may have been a drug induced fantasy), to stop Solaris. At first they had trouble defeating Solaris, but they kept on hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, and hitting him, until he was all like "stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it." That's when Solaris transformed into his second most dangerous form.
Really heroic music started playing, to remind the player... er I mean, Sonic, that if he didn't defeat Solaris, time itself would be destroyed. (And that would really suck.) Sonic realized this, and he formulated a plan with Shadow and Silver. Shadow would use his Chaos Spear to shoot Solaris. Silver would use his telekinesis to catch and fire Solaris' projectiles back at him. And Sonic would... headbutt Solaris. (No really, that's the best they could come up with.)
|Heroic Mood Music (file info)|
|The song that encouraged Sonic to defeat Solaris.|
Realizing that Solaris couldn't be killed, they decided on doing the next best thing. Blowing up his brain. (Again, not joking.) Sonic mustered up all his energy, then rammed Solaris in the middle of his stomach (I guess that's where his brain is?), likely giving himself a concussion in the process. Lucky for him, it worked. Sonic and Elise were both transported back in time. They arrived just in time to hear Elise's father, the Duke of Soleanna talk about how much he likes mustard and pickles. "You know what else I like Elise?" The Duke asked. "Green beans of course!" A young Elise was standing next to her father.
"Daddy?" She asked. "Is your arm supposed to be on fire?" The Duke looked down and noticed his daughter was right. "OH MY SUN GOD! SON OF A BITCH, IT HURTS! SUN GOD DAMNIT! SWEET MOTHER OF SUN GOD! IT BURNS LIKE A BITCH! SUN GOD, I REALLY NEED TO STOP MAKING SUN GOD PUNS!" The Duke screamed (It's funny because they worship a Sun God... who just happens to be Solaris). Eventually the fire was put out, and all that remained was a tiny flame sitting on a torch. "You see Elise? This nondestructive flame will allow us the ability to travel through time one day. Once it gets big and strong. That's why we need to feed it lots of green beans." The Duke explained. "But Daddy?" Elise questioned, once again, "how does a flame give you the ability to travel back in time? Wouldn't time travel require some kind of wormhole? Maybe some quantum physics? Not some stupid flame you lit with the matches you got from that hotel you were at least night, where you were canoodling the hooker."
The Duke stared at his daughter for a moment, before yelling at her, "that's it! We're done! C'mon! Let's go!" The Duke dragged her out of the room, as Sonic and present day Elise floated down. "If we blow out this flame," Elise explained. "Then Solaris won't exist. But then... we'll never meet, you and I." Sonic turned to face Elise, "Sorry did you say something?" He asked. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of a child being beaten in the background." Elise took a deep breath before repeating herself once more. "I SAID! IfweblowoutthisflamethenSolariswon'texist! Butthenwe'llnevermeetyouandI!" Sonic couldn't understand what Elise said, so like every man everywhere, he did what we would all do if we didn't know the correct answer. He said, "yes."Elise decided to repeat herself one final time. "Listen!" She said. "If we blow out this flame, Solaris won't exist. He won't cause time to be destroyed or any of that bullcrap..." "Cool!" Sonic interrupted. "Let me FINISH!" Elise screamed. "Buuuuut! We'll never meet... though I'm not really sure if that's a bad thing right now." Sonic was looking at his shoes when he said, "I'm sorry, what now? Could you repeat that?" Elise began grinding her teeth when she grabbed the tiny torch holding the flame that would later become Solaris (how a flame becomes a intelligent being, you got me). "Fuck you, Sonic." Were the last words anyone heard before Elise blew out the flame that would have later become Iblis and Mephiles, then Solaris.
For some strange reason though, when she blew out the flame, the universe didn't collapse on itself due to multiple time paradoxes. No one remembered what happened, and everyone lived happily ever after, except for Mephiles. 'Cause ya, know. He doesn't exist anymore. Because they used his own power to go back in time and prevent him from ever becoming Solaris. I know it doesn't make any sense, but here. Here's a picture of a cow. You can enjoy that to take your mind off of everything that didn't make sense in this article.
Besides some of Mephiles' more unusual abilities (described below), he also possesses a series of more common ones. He has the ability to travel through time. Create shadows of himself. Attach himself onto Shadow's shadow. He can fuse with Iblis. Withstand any amount of punishment. He possesses immortality. Shapeshifting. He's able to manipulate anyone into doing his bidding. And of course, he can grow crystals out his ass.
Mephiles also has a number of disabilities in addition to his already numerous normal abilities. One such disability is that Mephiles appears to be mentally retarded. It has been pointed out many times that all of Mephiles plans make absolutely no sense. The cause of the retardation is up to debate, but many have pointed to the fact that Mephiles was repeatedly... WARNING: This portion of article Mephiles the Dark, subsection 2.1, Disabilities, has been censored due to gratuitous nature of the section. All sexualized and violent words have been replaces with child friendly alternatives. Mephiles was repeatedly snuggled, kissed, huggled, snuggled some more, then glomped. After which he was, doodled, bamboozled, zizzared, and Suck-fuckled! (Oops, that wasn't supposed to say that.)
Moving on. Another disability Mephiles suffers from, is severe incontinence, also known as, he craps the shit out of himself... Ok, I made that up, but I thought I should draw attention to a very serious problem.
An actual disability Mephiles suffers from is identity and gender confusion. As shown by the fact that he's constantly becoming someone else. Solaris, Shadow's shadow, a pile of goop, Al Gore (he's into Global Warming, what with Iblis being made of fire and all), Near (that's the gender confused part), and a Giant Yellow Toe.
Before his ultimate destruction, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Mephiles on her show. We have a transcript of the interview below.
- Oprah: So Mephiles, you've been accused of trying to destroy time itself.
- Mephiles: Correct.
- Oprah: Why would you do that?
- Mephiles: Well Oprah, things aren't really that simple. *Clears throat* Oprah, I was raised in such a way, that chaos and destruction are all I know. To top that off, I have a incurable addiction to rings and Chaos Emeralds.
- Oprah: Wow, Mephiles. How did your addiction start?
- Mephiles: Well, Oprah... this is rather hard for me to talk about.
- Oprah: It's alright.
- Mephiles: Well, my addiction first started when I was sealed inside the Scepter of Darkness using a Chaos Emerald. Once I got a taste of it, I had to have more, and more, and more. Before I knew it, I had lost everything I had, including my only family. My sister, Iblis.
- Oprah: Where is your sister now?
- Mephiles: I honestly don't know. Last I heard, she was in the future causing untold chaos and destruction.
- Oprah: When was the last time you saw your sister?
- Mephiles: Shortly after my addiction began, my sister was sealed inside the princess of Soleanna. I haven't seen her since.
- Oprah: Alright. There are rumors going around that you're out to get Sonic the Hedgehog. Are any of these true?
- Mephiles: Well Oprah. It all depends on what you mean by 'get'. Do I want to kill Sonic? Yes, of course. Do I want to 'get' him as in, as a boyfriend? Oh, hell no! Pardon my French.
- Oprah: You admit you're out to kill Sonic the Hedgehog?
- Mephiles: Is there an echo?
- Oprah: I'm sorry, I'm just finding it hard to understand. You want to kill Sonic the Hedgehog? Why is that?
- Mephiles: Let me explain in terms you can understand. It's like this, Oprah. If someone cut you in half with a giant cleaver, blood splattered everywhere, and you were writhing in pain, wouldn't you do anything to get back to the other part of you? So you could be whole again? So you could destroy time until there's nothing left in existence at all? Isn't that the American dream Oprah?
- Oprah: *Repeatedly hits the security button*
- Mephiles: *Sigh* I really wish you hadn't done that Oprah. *Mephiles snaps Oprah's neck* *Mephiles turns to the camera* When we come back, we have a rare and intriguing interview with one of the word's most famous leaders, Hitler's Zombie. Stay tuned during the commercial break.
- When he existed, Mephiles loved spending time in internet chat rooms, and on social networking sites, he even created his own little avatar to go with them.
- Mephiles has a secret unlockable form, simply known as "Floppy Cock". No one has every succesfully unlocked Mephiles' Floppy Cock form, but many long time Sonic fans speculate, that Floppy Cock has a secret attack, that can be unleashed once Mephiles has collected 100 rings. The exact nature of the attack is unknown, but after careful studying, it can be assumed the attack knocks up Amy, thus creating Silver in the future. This is still only a theory though.
- It has long been rumored that Mephiles is a closet homosexual. Mostly because the guy is almost completely covered in purple. I'm sorry, but even Barney the Dinosaur doesn't dress that queer.
- Among the usual Sonic powers, Mephiles displays quite a few unusual ones such as: Gaydar, the ability to communicate with the souls of the damned, an actual sense of direction (very rare for a Sonic character), pizzazz (yes, its a power), and he can grow his hair out, really, really long.
- Mephiles is the only villain in the history of the Book of Sega to actually kill Sonic the Hedgehog. Unless you count Sega themselves, who are doing a quite adequate job of killing him.