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It's only because I love you that I ridicule you. Honestly, if it wasn't for my honesty and mockery you wouldn't even have what you have at the moment, which admittedly is not much. But, mate, so you know, I'm always here for you. You know that, don't you? Whenever you want, you can come to me and ask a favour. Just don't cry. Cause your crying cracks me up. The way you sob like a dying banana. Yeh. Like that. Haha. Okay, jokes aside. I'm just saying I'm always here to offer you some friendly advice. And this time, I've got one thing to say to you. And this is for your own good. Like a verbal spanking. It'll purify you. And before I say this, let's get some things straight. Put what I'm gonna say in some context, yeh? First off, you're pathetic. We both know that. Oh you're doing the dying banana thing. You might want to shut the fuck up, I'm trying to offer some advice. Secondly, you are a total failure at everything you do. You always will be. Am I going to have to slap you quiet? For fuck's sake. But, as I was saying, you are (and always will be) a total failure. At everything. So my advice - well more of a question to make you think like a man- is this: why keep trying?
edit That girl
It's like you're in love with her or something. Let me just get this straight. And I'm gonna have to be honest with you. She's an ugly cow. And even still, she's out of your league. I'm being honest because I love you. And you love me, mate. You like it when I'm honest. But this girl. She's out of your league. Well, to be honest, you don't really have a league. What? No! Being gay wouldn't help at all! They're a lot more picky. That's what I've heard, anyway. On the grapevine, you know? The dripping vine of knowledge. The dripping vine of second, third, sometimes fourth hand knowledge. But reliable. I suggest you turn to either dead bodies or like animals or some weird shit, like that. Honestly. Hey mate, beggars can't be choosers! So you need to unhang yourself over this girl. Maybe you should rape the girl, if you really must. Just to get closure, you know? And then leave her alone, cause she's really taking up your time. Oh stop your glugging, you big girl! You're only proving what I said. That you're pathetic. You remember that time we burnt your mum's house down? Yeh, hahaha that was hilarious, but you remember afterwards? Yeh. You just started crying. So I swooped in, always your mate, and pinned you down. Remember you were screaming that you didn't want the heroin? Like a girl's thong or something. But I injected it into your arm, anyway. Sorted you and your tears right out! And you've never looked back!
edit Until a few months ago that is...
When you decided you didn't need my help. You big oversized bra! So you went to go get "help", didn't you? And they said you had a "problem". And so you listened to them over your mate? You penisless idiot. Oh shut up your tears. Heroin is helping you! Don't you understand!? That's why you've come to me gurgling tears like a thing that gurgles tears. A thing that gurgles tears and is pathetic. Cause you are pathetic. And are gurgling tears. Anywho, what I'm saying is you need the heroin. It helps you. You're like a mushy pea puppy now. If you were still doing heroin you wouldn't be here in tears! You'd be lying on the floor of your apartment, your hands shaking. Or you'd be pointing a shotgun at an old lady, asking for her purse. Oh remember that time we stole that old bugger's dog and sold it for cocaine? Yeh, good good times.
edit Ah I miss the good old days
The bloodshot eyes, the violence, when we used to pass out together. You know the days. And when I foamed at the mouth you used to wipe my mouth clean (like a massive queer). And your eyes would roll back into your head, so I could only see the white bit. Haha, what a laugh that was. Remember how we used to chuckle when you were choking on your tongue, remember? Remember how we used to rape and mug anything that moved? They were the good days. The golden era. Until the fucking liberal pussies got their fangs in you with all their socialist crap about you having an addiction. They're all pimps. And you know what you are now? In a metaphorical sense, that is. Their whore. Their big fat, gay prostitute girl slut. That's you. Shut your crying eyes up! What you've got to bear in mind is what Bill said. He said "Where for art thou, Romeo?". Anyway, the point is, the liberal pussies have got their fangs in you.
edit So why keep trying?
That's the point. What's good in your life, exactly? What's it worth living for? Why keep trying at anything? As we've already established you're a total failure and always will be. No matter what. So my suggestion is this: it's just not worth trying anymore for you, mate. Obviously, someone like me has got a lot of good shit going on in their life. I've got a nice car, a nice house, a free slutty wife, a cute kitten. I've got it going on. You on the other hand, well...you're a wreck! And I'm your mate, you know that but – what did I say about crying? Shut up! It's very rude, I'm trying to talk here! Yeh, you thought I didn't see that little badboy running down your cheek? Well I did. No? You don't like that do you? Being slapped? Next tear and I will seriously slap you again. Ho hum. What was I saying? The point is, that you're a failure.
But, as your mate, I'm not gonna just let you fail! No, no no!
edit So I've locked you in...
...for your own good. What I'm gonna do is go fetch the petrol. I'll leave you here. No, no, don't worry, I'll lock you in. Yep, you won't be able to get out. No, I'm sure you'll be able to breathe. Would I forget about you? Honestly, what do you take me for? Some psychopath? Anyway, I'll lock you in here...yes...the chains are for your own good. You might hurt yourself. Look, I'll get the petrol (and maybe do a joint or two, we'll see how I feel after dinner). Yes, yeh I'm just gonna have a quick dinner. I'll bring you the scraps. But the point is that you'll get a chance to think about what you've done wrong. No, I know you can't help being a pathetic failure. I mean, the whole keeping trying thing. No matter how low you sank, you always fight on. It gets on my nerves. Oh don't worry about your family. Look, you think about how you kept trying, no matter what. I'll get the tools. And the petrol. But mainly the tools. Although the petrol, too.
So just think about what you've done.