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Jerome Bettis is a former football player, son of God, and American Hero.
edit Early Life
Jerome Bettis was born in Detroit, Michigan, in the year 1 A.D. God got bored one night and decided to, well give a baby to the virgin Shanequia Bettis, Jerome’s mother. Miraculously, 4 and a half months later, a full sized baby was born, his name was Jerome, but he is more known commonly to you as, Jesus.
At a young age, God gave him a book of cheat codes to life, which included magic tricks, being amazing football, and basically everything that comes with being the son of God. He led a revolt against Judaism when he traveled to Harlem, and in which he was crucified on a cross. He came back however, resurrected from the dead, ironically becoming a cosmic Jewish zombie, hungry for revenge, to play football, and use his Jesus powers for personal things and global conquest against what was soon to be the axis powers of World War II, but no one knew that was coming yet, so shhh.
edit Racism and Reasons
He moved onto the next chapter of his life, 1800 years later, fighting slavery and racism. He was walking down street one day and he saw a really really nice bike, so needing a better means of transportation, he decided to buy this bike. He however turned on his ambition to end racism, when a black gentleman stole his bike. He then began a revolt for racism. So yes, blame Jesus for all racism in the world.
edit Attack On His Homeland
He was angered by this, so he had to get a different idea. Knowing black people didn’t steal scooters, and how they weren’t cool anymore… or never were really, he bought a scooter.
He was riding his new shiny white scooter through the ghettos of Detroit when the Japanese launched their attack in 1941, destroying much of both Detroit and Hawaii, and killing Jerome’s mother. He was so angered by this that he took a personal vendetta against all people affiliated with the axis powers in WWII. He completely skipped joining the army, and swam straight to Japan, using his super Jesus powers and strength to get there.
When he got there, he walked right up to Emperor Hirohito, with vengeance in mind. He was about to engage in an epic duel with him, when out of nowhere, Adolf Hitler came up behind him, holding a .38 Luger. Jerome used his Jesus powers and could sense the bullet coming, and went all ‘Matrix’ on it, avoided all three bullets, while deflecting one and sending it toward Hirohito, skinning his shoulder like Xerxes. He then proceeded to judo chop Hirohito, knocking him cold. He then curb-stomped him, finishing him off for good. Hitler charged at Jerome, and they wrestled each other to the ground in a tangle, punching and biting in the most epic of battles ever. Obviously, with the Jesus powers, he had the upper hand, but Hitler brought in his entire S.S. group of troops to help them. It ended with Hitler pushing Jerome out a window, but he grabbed onto the edge with all his might, and when Hitler turned away, he grabbed his ankle and pulled him down, falling thousands of feet to his doom. That’s why no one can find his body, it’s somewhere in the Sea Of Japan.
Jesus was badly injured, and suffered for a couple days. After he thought he had rested up, karma caught up from some dirty work in the Harlem Pimping Business, and he died. To this day, the rapture is waiting to happen, as his 2nd resurrection, turning him into a double zombie