From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit Politically Correct Playground Equipment
You remember the old extremely dangerous and also extremely awesome playground equipment? You know like that 90 foot tall metal slide instead of those plastic things they have now? It used to be so awesome. It was like 90 feet tall and had absolutely no protective railing. You'd about faint from oxygen deprivation on you're way up. You’d finally get up there and then you'd look down and go “Ahhhh! I don’t know! I can either slide down or jump off, either way I’m going to die!” Then you finally choose to slide down during the summer and it burns you alive. You slide down at like 90 billion miles an hour, and the slide’s like 90 billion degrees. And no matter what you couldn’t stop or risk losing every hair on your body, and when you got to the ground and sat there recovering for a moment, you start to smell smoke, you look down and notice that you're on fire! Then only to be knocked off the edge by the next crazy victim of the slide of doom!
edit D3koy's rant on Cartoons
What ever happened to the cartoons that taught you things by tricking you into information? Captain planet taught us to keep the planet clean, and fight pollution. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego taught you geography. I was recently talking with someone who said that Carmen turned them onto Geography and he is now majoring in that at college. Bill Nye the science guy. I remember him, who doesn't? I remember making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (he came on at lunch time) and watching him like he were some god among men. Now all kids have to watch are Lazy town (don't get me started) and teletubbies (they watch TV...Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles taught you to go outside) You wonder about the growing problem of childhood obesity....boy I don't when i was a kid I was so skinny i could shove my enitire arm up to my elbow under my door....don't ask why i know (or remember) this. Kids watch trash on TV these days because it’s either that or 105 degree weather. (A by-product of G.W. Bush not watching Captain Planet) Stand up, write an E-mail to television corporations, and if you have kids, My god don't let them watch filth. Pinky and the Brain is coming out on DVD and by the time you read this is most likely is already. Buy it for your kids and watch it with them. Instant Parent-Child bonding....Damn, I oughta write books. LONG LIVE STREET SHARKS!
edit D3koy's rant on Video Games
4 games that changed the world:
Number 4) Where in the world is Carmen San Diego- Taught us geography, how to use computers, and to share with others(only so many copies of the game)
Number 3)Gizmos and Gadgets- Taught us patience(find the best parts) Problem-Solving skills(avoid the monkey things) and most importantly the use of simple machines and defeating an evil.
Number 2) Number Munchers- Taught any number of things including Animals, Plants, State Capitals, Foreign Countries and problem avoidance(not avoidance so much as choosing your battles)
Finally Number 1) Oregon/Amazon Trail- Taught us to fend for ourselves, Good old frontier Skills(hunting and fishing) and how to cope with everyday struggles, like death, weakened friends, Cholera, and Broken Axels
edit D3koy's rant on Video game Violence
Know what really grinds my gears? People blaming school shootings on violent video games. Here is the plain truth: Video games don't cause violence any more than masturbation causes rape. Ok, so maybe that wasn't the best example but it doesn't matter. I did a little research and here is what I came up with. X-Fire, a chat program designed for video games, currently has 6,056,779 registered users. Lets say that 5/6 of the gamers in the us have this program, a low estimate. Of those lets say 3/4 of them play violent games that makes 163,533,033 people in the US play violent video games. Last check 163 million people don't go into schools and kill people. People say that kids stealing cars is a direct result from playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City or San Andreas... My source is here. Now lets get this out of the way first, any parent letting their 8 year old kid play GTA has more serious problems than that...The ESRB keeps kids from getting their hands on games rater M, mature. I was 15 when that game came out and I had to get my older brother's friend to buy it for me, because the guys at EB-Games wouldn't sell it to me, you have to be 17 to buy M rated Games. Secondly, NO WHERE in the game do you have to take the keys from someone and drive off. If Mr. Fuckhead, Jack Thompson, had ever played the game he would know that. If the kid tried to stop a car on the freeway and pull some one out, I'd say you have some serious evidence. Still think Video games cause Violence? Here is a little more proof for you. I, D3koy, play Violent video games all the time. I play Counter-Strike and Half Life as well as Day of Defeat, Mortal Kombat, Tekken, Grand Theft Auto and just about anything else violent. Never once have I considered killing someone. My life is like having someone drilling into my forehead for 8 hours a day, if I couldn't blow off some steam and blow off some heads in Video Games I might just go crazy. The second you try to take away video games, you try to take away many kids last refuges...High School, by all accounts, is probably one of the most treacherous times in a person's life. Listen, I know how parents think, they can't believe their little Timmy bought AK-47s off the internet and went into school one day and killed half a dozen people. You want to know the reason it happened? We may never know for sure but here is what I have to tell you, it ain't video games. You so quick to blame Rockstar for putting violent games in your kids hands you seem to forget where they got the money for the game, whose TV they played it on, whose internet connection they used to buy guns, who drove them to school and who didn't tell them "have a good day". Look, I'm not saying Rockstar games, producer of Grand Theft Auto, isn't to blame, but they shouldn't be the only ones on trial. Parents, keep an eye on your kids, if all you hear from the living room is "wow, thats freaking awesome" and bullets, go in and look at what they are doing. If you see your kid shooting a machine gun at people, cops and ambulance drivers, take the game away and tell them it's for their own good. You're the parents, you decide what is good for them... Well, I guess I'm about done here. If there is only one takeaway message on this whole fucking page let it be this: "Your Kids, Your responsibility." Do your best to really find out what causes the problem, not who you can sue for the most money...
edit D3koy's Rant on Good Music
Back in the 90's we had music you could listen to with your grandmother. Sure some of the bands had less G-rated names(e.g. Bare Naked Ladies) but their music was not about sex, drugs, and dying. Nowadays Rappers sing about 5 thing Money, Cars, Girls, Guns, and the Bling-Bling.(Quote from Mc Lars) And little girls who don't want to listen to death and killing have limited options as well. I have a younger sister who likes music but she hates rap(can you blame her?) so she listens to the alternatives Emo and "Whore-Music". I care about what my sister listens to because I don't want her to waste her childhood much the way I did. Emo kids want to die, and The new women music want to FSCK! know what I say to that: FSCK the Music Industry, FSCK the RIAA, I'm using Limewire and I'm downloading the music I grew up with, and I recommend you do the same.
edit D3koy's Rant on Free Trials
OK, so I spent the better part of today trying to become "Legal" I spent hours looking for legal free trials of Nero and I even attempted to make the switch from Xp(pirated) to Ubuntu (new open-source OS from Linux). Nothing I did today seemed to go right. I went to the Ubuntu website to download a simple ISO image for Ubuntu. That took a couple of hours to download. only then did I find that my "Free trial" of Nero, which I just got from Download.com(a great site for downloads) didn't work! Ok, lets not freak out. I just found a few other ISO image burners and attempted to use them. I downloaded three in total.(MagicISO, SuperISO, and a different version of Nero) By this time I was really getting into the "new legal me" so I went to TigerDirect looking for a new HDD for my "fresh start". that took forever.(TigerDirect needs to model their site after Newegg's) Ok, so the HDD search didn't pan out, so in an attempt to keep my cool i went looking for partition so I wouldn't have a huge paperweight(my computer) if the install wasn't a success. ok so all of the trial ISO image burners would only let me burn a 300MB file(the ISO is 687) and that took forever.Partition were the biggest letdown. Not only could I not do what I wanted, I couldn't go anything.(all it did was show you how the software could work) Now royally Pissed I sit on my Pirated XP listening to stolen Music. Look "free Trials" should be an EXACT copy of the software you want, just only 30 days of it. I'm done with my "Legal" phase. If the Computer Organizations wanted me to not steal, not only should they make stealing harder, they should make "free trials" easier.
edit D3koy's Rant on Horror Movies
Ok, so I officially hate horror movies now. Back when movies were scary they were good, now they are just gross. I saw "Saw III", that wasn't a horror movie, it was a fucking snuff film. Maybe it's just me and I'd really like to get someone else's opinion on the matter. Where was I when movies stopped being so psychological, and started being a 1 and a half hour movie to see how creatively some jerkoff director can kill someone. What makes me even more mad is that this is the third movie in the series(and shows no signs of slowing). And it's not just this series, it's all over. It's becoming a epidemic! Wolf Creek, Hostel(sequel for that coming soon too), and half a dozen other movies...Look, I love a good scary movie, but I'd rather watch a 20 year old day of the dead than some brand new special effect full piece of shit. I hope to God I'm not alone on this one.
| Captain D3koy thinks enough of this page to mark it "Seaworthy".