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WTP of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Article I

Section I. Liberty and freedom and justice and brotherhood and kindred love and tolerance and equality and temperance and liberty shall be enjoyed by all Caucasian males who own at least 160 acres of land and own one score of oxen or two score of he-asses and she-asses.

Section II. Any network utilizing technology that connects people to a centralized hive of information shall be free from regulation including use of telegraph networks, horse-drawn mail delivery, ticker tapes and whatever new technology may come from the fruits and majesty of scientific investigation.

Section III. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated voting bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.

Section IV. The People shall not breach the Peace in the land nor commit crimes. Piracy on the high seas, Horsejacking and Grand Theft Carriage are to be punishable by forced labor to build the tracks for the upcoming steam-powered horse.

Section V. The Militia of the country is to abide by the Laws of the Union, suppress Barbarian Insurrections and repel the Primitives from the North Invasions; it is not in any case authorized to be entangled in foreign affairs, nor be used for invasions unless Congress authorizes such intervention. However, should a black syrupy substance gain importance one day, this section is to be completely ignored.

Section VI. The Union shall collect 4 horseshoes or a barrel of Ale for every black Slave coming in the Land by means of Boat. The owners of such Slaves shall hit the person with a maximum of 25 whip hits a day. Shall they exceed that limit, an extra barrel of Ale shall be given by the Offender to Congress as Punishment.

Section VII. The Representatives are expected to sport good behavior and as such, shall not fire their Colt in the Vicinity of the Congress without prior approval from the Speaker. Should a disagreement between two (2) representatives be apparent, the Speaker shall call for a duel in which the participants cannot draw their revolver until the count of ten (10). The Congressman who doesn't die wins the argument and shall present his Bill.

Section VIII. The Representatives shall park their horses in the Congress stables in an effort not to clog the trail in front of the building. Any horses left in front of the Congress will be towed.

Section XIV. The Representatives shall not lie to their constituents, distort the Truth nor hide facts from the electorate under any circumstances. Should a Congressman commit the latter, the punishment incurred shall be absolutely nothing.

Article II

Section I. Any President shall be a natural born American unless they can produce a lawful-looking counterfeit birth certificate.

Section II. Impeachment is a last resort maneuver and shall be lawful under the following circumstances:

  1. The President is found guilty of a High Felony such as Genocide.
  2. The President is actively working with Foreign Nations in a plot to kill more, but no fewer, than One Hundred Thousand Citizens of the Union.
  3. The President stains someone's dress.

Section III. The Presidential electoral process shall be as complicated as possible so that no man, woman nor child can understand anything to it. It shall be comprised of Delegates, Bound Delegates, Straitjacketed Delegates or whatever the Nobles of the Future can come up with.

Article III

Section I. The Supreme Court is to be the greatest of all the courts in America and is to have the final say in any legal case if it so decides. No Supreme Court decision shall be overridden unless the tobacco, petroleum, pharmaceuticals or war industries think otherwise.

Article V

Section I. There shall be an Article V in the Constitution of the United States. Nobody shall refer to it as a filler.

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