Colonialism is a foreign policy strategy which requires a cunning combination of violence, pith helmets and opium sales agreements. You will also need a globe and a coloured pencil. The eventual winner is the country with the largest collection of other countries. This can be achieved through one of several inventive and exciting strategies such as; divide and rule, conquer and pillage, or conquer, divide, pillage and rule. The choices are endless, that is if you happen to be one of the Imperialist Overlords; the former owners of the countries you acquire have a choice of which mass grave to be shot next to. This constant need to dig mass graves for ungrateful indigenous residents of colonies, unwilling to accept the benefits of civilisation is known as “The White Man’s Inconvenience”.
Establishing trading outposts is the first step to bringing the benefits of civilisation to distant continents. Here you can exchange glass beads, smallpox and whisky, for gold, land and people! As you stare disapprovingly through your monocle at the globe I told you to get earlier, pick out a particularly remote country with abundant natural resources, and a somewhat less abundant level of technological development. The sort of place where the wheel is the stuff of mad shaman’s nightmares! A country like this is an ideal candidate for your first step into the wonderful world of colonialism, after all they’re just crying out for the benefits of western civilisation, such as sanitation, roads, and eugenics. It would be immoral not to help them, after all they can’t even get drunk and they can’t resolve arguments because there are no guns. Something obviously needs to be done!
There are three main stages in the implementation of Colonialism, Commerce, Colonisation and Profit!
Stage One: Commerce
Once you’ve established a trading post various exports can be sold to help the natives realise the benefits of western rule. These wonderful gifts will bring their society into the modern age, you can also help them catch up with the latest European diseases from Paris, such as Syphilis and Small Pox and make a sizable tax free profit in the process. Especially if you tell them that these diseases can only be cured by giving you gold!
The following exports are guaranteed to make a substantial profit, and to bring the rudiments of civilisation to the natives:
Convince the natives that the “magic juju water” is the answer to all their problems, and not just because the bottles are contaminated with smallpox!Assure the natives that selling their compatriots into slavery on a sugar cane plantation is immoral, unless they’re drunk first, and pay some pretty hefty tithes to a missionary afterwards.
A wonderfully versatile substance with both medicinal and recreational uses it cures both backache and opium withdrawl symptoms. Opium may have been unfairly slandered in the past, but if you think about it Opium must be good, because its made from such an attractive flower. A substance derived from poppies could never be harmful. It must be safe because Coleridge wrote a poem about it, and it’s so reasonably priced.
In fact it’s so beneficial that any native ruler who fails to meet their opium purchase and production quota should be executed, as should local farmers who waste their time growing so called ‘Food’ when they should be growing poppies. This kind of barbarism cannot be tolerated; after all we all know that ‘food’ is a form of economic sabotage invented by socialists to stifle the glorious opium trade.
An even more potent drug than the previous exports! Explain to the natives that sacrificing goats to the crocodile headed ancestor god “Quankokoop” is barbaric, and that they should instead worship a man nailed to a cross whilst engaging in symbolic cannibalism. Of course the privilege of converting to the world’s most popular form of self loathing isn’t free, after all cathedrals and archbishops palaces don’t build themselves, and someone has to buy old masters.
Conveniently all those who don’t wish to become Jesus enthusiasts are now eligible for slavery, and afterwards Hell!However as it would be unchristian not to offer them one last chance to buy their way out of it, so all those who pledge their earnings for life to the church, will be allowed to avoid slavery in the Caribbean. Instead they get to work in one of the churches many relic production lines spending 19 hours a day making pieces of the true cross. The remainder of the day is spent carrying around huge sacks full of rocks in penance for failing to convert to the church of the one true space wizard soon enough. The introduction of Christianity will also conveniently assist you with implementing divide and rule later on.
The Middle Passage Cruise
Offer an all expenses paid trip via the middle passage route to the Caribbean, unfortunately as the trip is so popular accommodation is rather crowded. However you can safely promise that they won’t be bored when they arrive, and they’ll get plenty of exercise. They’ll also be surrounded by sugar, how can that be a bad thing?
Defective Muskets, (Circa 1790)
The “Magic fire stick” is the latest in modern weaponry, well as far as the Stone Age tribes you’re selling them to are concerned. They may have a tendency to explode in the face of anyone who uses them, but this can be blamed on the user not having drank enough alcohol before going shooting.
Defective Matchlock Muskets (Circa 1640)
If you’re planning on engaging in colonialism in the 18th century you ought to be selling these or you really will be giving the natives “The latest in modern weaponry.”
Stage Two Colonisation
Once the commerce stage has reached fruition, with the native population dependant on western technology and split by religious differences between those blighted by primitive superstition and the non Christians, it’s time to start shipping in colonists to make up the numbers. Naturally all these new people need somewhere to live, so it will be necessary to borrow land from the natives. I’m sure it’s ethical; after all they have no concept of land ownership, so in actual fact the land doesn’t legally belong to them anyway.
Divide and Rule
Divide and rule is the perfect strategy for those on a budget, and ideal for anyone who wishes to watch their enemies squabble.
Genocide. Upon your arrival plant a flag on the beach, and then when the pacifist natives come out to welcome you, shoot them all! They were probably all cannibals anyway, and even if they’re not, they certainly weren’t dressed appropriately for the occasion. It was supposed to be black tie. For those of you who prefer a more subtle approach there’s always the old gunpowder in the peace pipe trick.
Diplomacy In order to make use of diplomacy, you will need a fleet of gunboats and plenty of ammunition.As a general rule the larger the calibre of the weapon the more persuasive the forceful eloquence of your diplomatic representations.
An exciting new version of colonialism for the modern age! The winner is the first country to buy and or insidiously manipulate as many ‘developing’ countries as possible. With your assistance these countries can grow into juicy cash cows. But how do you help your chosen countries progress into a placid senseless animal which is eventually slaughtered and eaten? The rebels become the new government, and supporters of the former government become the new rebels, and the whole process repeats itself,
Russian Tanks (Circa 1970)
Renowned for their ability to explode immediately when fired upon, regardless of whether the projectile actually hits the vehicle, old Russian tanks will give whichever genocideal warlord or president for life you’re supporting that week the impression they’re armed with ‘modern’ weapons. These tanks come with some wonderful cost saving design features, such as no armour protection for the ammunition, and an autoloader which shoves the crew’s limbs into the gun barrel! They also come with a wide range of ammunition, or at least Styrofoam blocks which look like ammunition.
Toyota Pickup Truck
Aid is used to buy diplomatic influence, remember keep the cash flowing in order to keep the oil flowing out!