User:Wilytank/Grand Theft Auto: Norway
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- This article is under construction and not recommended for anybody that is considered Normal. To fully understand, I suggest reading through Black Metal first as the game is produced under them and will only distribute 666 Copies.
Grand Theft Auto: Norway is a new GTA game currently in development. It was originally planned for X box, but it's now instead planned for release on X box 360 as "game would be the same only cost more." The game takes place in Norway, in a black-metal-Satanism-Nazi-Viking-ish milieu. There are rumours that weather may play a part in the game, as the player may freeze to death if he stays outside too long.
The story begins when you take control of the infamous Varg Vikernes, you start off in prison talking to this old man with only 1 eye called Odin about how he ended up here. Varg cannot buy anything because stuff in Norway is so fucking expensive, therefore he must steal cars. Odin offers him another chance to recreate the events, and in exchange Varg will become an Einherjar in Valhalla and fight in the battle of Ragnarok.
This is when the user first takes control, at first you start off with the Kid type jobs such as terrorizing old Christian grannies, beating up Jehovah Whiners and running Moonshine deliveries to the local farmers. Then as the story progresses you gain access to the burning churches series gaining your media attention (Which you pretend to not really want but actually you do) and summoning of the Ancient Magics. And running more Moonshine to local farmers...
edit Game play
The game play is very similar to other games of the franchise. You walk around a city killing random people and do story related crimes when your bored only to have the ending be **Spoiler** "crime doesn't pay after all".
There are some interesting spins on the game play though that are based on Norwegian culture and society. First, when selling drugs the police does nothing, but buying prostitutes gives you instant 4 stars. The cops in the game does not wear guns until 5 stars and if you get arrested by them nothing happens. When you go to the hospital you don't lose any money but you only get half health.
A wide range of vehicles will be available in the game. Here are a few examples. Because Norway has no copyright or trademark legislation, the game intends to use the original names.
- A 11th Century Viking boat
- A 1972 Troll automobile.
- A 1944 Wehrmacht-issue Panzer VI B Tiger II
- A 1967 Den Beste Sykkel bicycle.
- A 1948 old woman named "Anne-Gudrun".
- A 1984 Audi police car
- A 1985 Land Rover Defender with roof cage to store corpses
- A true norwegian necrogoat. (Year of production unknown)
- Turbonegro's Tour Bus
- A 1975 Tempo 'Vette Moped
- A 1992 Opel Vectra
- A 1991 Nissan Sunny
- A 1969 Opel GT
- A 1985 Ford Scorpio 2.0 CL. The Norwegian equivalent of a Ford Pinto.
- A 1986 Toyota Corolla
- A 1993 Honda Accord with automatic shift. Grannies are usually seen driving these.
- A 1981 Volkswagen Polo. Come on, at least it's got seats!
- Your moms snowmobile
- The Olsen Gang's 1955 Chevy
- A 1985 Chevy Blazer
- Pelle Politibil. He chases you after obtaining six stars.
- The pink Ole-Ivars bus
- The Monkees mobile
- A 1987 SAAB 900 Turbo. This is the fastest car in the game
- Lots of Volvos that cannot be destroyed.
- The Vassendgutane Tour Bus
- Naglfar (Available in the very ending of the game)
- Old John Deere tractors and other farm machines.
New rumors say that most of these car designs will be scrapped and replaced with a single fuel-efficient car that is good for the environment. This revision will of course cost a lot of of money, and make the long awaited game even further delayed, but Rockstar says "...feels very Norwegian to spend a lot of money on something that is just right. Fuck efficiency, it's more important to do it right!"
The game is famous for being the first game in existence to include only realistic Black Metal weapons.
- An Axe
- Ronok the Axe
- Cleaving axe
- Molotow Moonshine
- Giant's Axe
- Mithral Axe
- Bastard Axe
- Berserk Axe
- Axe with optional Grenade Launcher Attachment
- Grenade Launcher with optional Axe Attachment
- Axe with Optional Axe Attachment
- Grenade Filled with Axes
- Axe with black metal spray-painted over it
- The amazing axecock!
- The "Großaxt-Zerstörer"
- Thor's Hammer [obtainable only through a cheat aka Mjölner]
- Axe Spray
- Burning Bibles
- Your mom
- The mace Varg Vikernes is always holding in his one and only infamous picture
- more cowbell
- and IKEA (wait thats sweden) well you still get it
Varg Vikernes (Formally known as Kristian) - Varg is the main character of the game, little is known about his motives as he suffers from Cult Of Personality and Multiple Personalities, his best friend is Euronigger in which taught him how to play the blues, later on he became a Nazi and such things made him want to kill him
Gaahl - Gaahl is one of the bad guys, remaining silent for several hours whenever you have to converse with him, forcing your pawns to drink their blood, and painting pictures so foul that civilians die upon seeing them.
Trjalhrgr - A guy with a funny norwegian name that does tricks when is kidnapped by Aladin. *Spoiler* He will rape Hendrix in the end (BDSM style).
Hendrix - One of the first people who you talk to after getting out, he is joined in your quest but is trying to find a way to Germany(Grand Theft Auto: Germany), rumor has it that he has the best selection of Weapons.
Ihsahn - Ihsahn is the chinese-norwegian god that has come to help Varg in his quest, he offers a great selection of BLARRKK GRYMM HORZEZ, and has a few issues he with the Church he needs to rid. There a rumours on the internets that he is the infamous Black Wizard of New Orleans, whether this is true or not is yet to be disputed.
Fenriz - The Leader of the KKK, Varg has close relations with him but he has heard rumours that Fenriz will betray him after certain events.
Abbath - Abbath is the Demon of the Mighty Ravendark, he flys across Norway on his mighty Dragon of the Very Very Northern Mountains of the Grim North.
Per Nils Kurt - One of the fat cats in the church arson underground society. Rambles eccentric, pyromaniac-like ideas about such illicit activities that this underground organisation is dedicated to. Varg has to Samoth escape from a maximun security penitentiary just to ignite him with a flamethrower near the end of the game.
Svarte Arne - Lead singer of the a Fucking Grim and Tru Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal band called: Fucking Grim and Tru Necro Norsk Arisk Blækk Mettal.
Samoth - Your partner in the game. All he really does is follow you around and make funny noises.
Alexander Rybak - An annoying, but cheerful guy whose weapons of choice are a Harding fiddle as well as his voice. This guy does not only kill you brutally (not softly) with his song, but he's singing them in such extremely broken English, that it sounds more like a cat being run-over by a dumper truck. He is usually accompanied by some creepy bellydancing gay guys.
Jens Stoltenberg aka The Statsminister - A violent gangster and the leader of the gang "Stortinget". If you meet this man you are sure to die. Unless you have some money for the guy. Mostly seen driving his pink Ole-Ivars Tour Bus around in the city.
Erna Solberg - The cheapest and fattest bitch in all of Norway.
Note - Due to Varg's Multiple personalities, Varg's stance on the gangs changes on a very rapid basis.
Ravendark Horde - These are the people found in the Very Very Northern Mountains of the North, there leader Abbath followed by his henchman Demonaz and Horgh, have taken over the mountains in effort to destroy Stockholm, Sweden. They produce random Choirs of Drunken Head bangers to confuse the people into thinking they are Grim and Frostbitten. Their main rivals are the Orc legions.
Legion Of Orcs - The legions of the orcs live in the Caves of the fairly Northern moutains, just on the outskirts of the main area Bergen, all though they are mostly Orcs they have allied with the Trolls Goblins and Aryan Goats, nobody know what the hell they want but they like to eat sheep and molest their corpses.
ABBA - A mysterious group of Swedes that try to take over your hood in one of the later levels.
Die Apokalyptischen Reiter - A group of Germans who make heavy metal versions of 1970's disco songs.
Legions Of Perkele - A group of fucking angry Finnish people who want to destroy the Swedes for taking Helsinki. They supply Varg with maps to find vinyls, they also support the Ravendark Horde.
Stortinget - Some bad-ass motherfuckers who try to take control of your hood to squeeze as much money out of your homies as possible. Only way to get rid of them is to bribe their leader, The Statsminister.
There are already talks about sequels as any games placed in Norway are bound to succeed. So in 2004 Rockstar Games created a long awaited sequel/spinoff to this game. The name of it is "GTA: Nokas Stories" and uses the same graphic engine as this game. In the sequel you star as David Toska one bank robber of an infamous robber band. Your objectives vary from robbing banks and killing police officers to stealing famous paintings. The game character has David Toska likeness and voice. Samuel L. Jackson has also lend his likeness to your ally corrupt police officer Oluf. The soundtrack of this game is mostly from the Black Metal, mostly by Jackson himself.
edit Bonus Missions
Collecting rare Vinyls: In this mission, there were 100 missing vinyls that the church sent out to burn, your job is to collect all of them which will give you access to Euronymous's store in which you can access all the game music and produce his Ambient projects, other than that there are some other items you can unlock at Vargs apartment:
- 10 Vinyls - The Knife (used to kill Euronymous previously)
- 20 Vinyls - The Lord Of The Rings Sword
- 30 Vinyls - The Lord Of The Rings Bow and Arrow Set
- 40 Vinyls - Assault Rifle
- 50 Vinyls - Sniper Rifle
- 60 Vinyls - Mighty Viking Sword
- 70 Vinyls - A New Stereo
- 80 Vinyls - The Satanic Pagan Skinhead Costume
- 90 Vinyls - Blashyrk (Mighty Ravendark Dragon)
- 100 Vinyls - Euronymous Record store
As we can see, the game is going to be in black-and-white.
edit See also
- REDIRECT User:MadMax/Template:GTA