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“Mr. Bucket? I fuckin love that game!!”
“Mr. Bucket is the reason I got into politics.”
Mr. Bucket is a children's game that was created in 1743 in the British countryside. It was later adapted by Milton Bradley and voted one of the Greatest Games In The History Of Ever.
In 1743 in the countryside of Britain, there lived a gay male prostitute named Samuel Bukket. While he made a good living servicing the lonely, homosexual appetites of prominent local businessmen, his true passion was his serial killer personality, which he attempted to keep hidden. It would surface, however, when orally pleasuring his customers. He was known for biting off their testicles, beating the man to death with a chamber pot then placing their balls in their mouth. He was very careful not to let the balls pop out of their mouth, for at the time it was seen as poor manners.
He was successful in this racket until 1755, when his victim didn't quite die from the several chamber pot blows and the eventual anal rape. The victim, Martin Scorsese's great grand father Reginald Ballsmouth, was able to turn Bukket into the police. Bukket was found guilty on twenty-three accounts of murder, forty-seven accounts of genital mutilation and three accounts of animal necrophilia. It's not quite known why the last was thrown in, but nobody really cared because he was in so much shit anyway, it didn't seem to matter.
On September 20, 1756 Samuel Bukket was executed by hanging, poisoning, drawing & quartering, tarring and feathering, sodomy, fish spanking and of course decapitation. For a laugh, the local neighborhood children filled Bukket's head with pebbles and small rocks and toss it into the town river to sink to the bottom. The rocks, however, would eventually pop out of his mouth and the head would float to the surface. Therefore, more rocks needed to be added.
edit Early Game
The town children got huge laughs out of checking the river every morning to see if more rocks were needed in Mr. Bukket's head. The children even took to dividing their rocks into piles and trying to put their own rocks into the head before the other children could. Once the head rotted away and three children died of cholera, the head was properly disposed of. But that didn't stop children from their fun. Children throughout the countryside started filling whatever they could with rocks. Here are a few variations on the game:
- Local Stray Dogs / Poisoned Meats - Stray animals will eat just about anything. The object of this game was to get a local stray to eat your meat byproduct. Children divided into teams of ham, turkey, beef and human flesh. Beef seemed to be a favorite for the game. Though human flesh came in a close second.
- Drifters / Pennies - This game proved to be a bit tougher than most. Dirty, filthy transients will often give bullshit stories about needing bus fare to get to Philadelphia or some fucking place in order to get some spare change. Getting them to actually eat the change, however, can be quite difficult. Methods included begging, threatening, force feeding and offering sexual favors. After nearly a dozen children were raped and murdered by hobos with only about fourteen cents in their stomach, this version became frowned upon.
- Vaginas / Penises - As could be imagined, whoever won or lost this game eventually became unimportant. So revisions were made.
edit Milton Bradley
After many other variations, of which I am too lazy to talk about, the final version became placing balls of fecal matter into a chamber pot. The chamber pot was nicknamed Mr. Bucket, in honor of the murder's weapon of choice. Frankie Milton and Jerry Bradley both played the game in their childhood and had a dream of making money off of it thanks to the cold, black heart of capitalism. They eventually did and the modern day Mr. Bucket was created.
There has been note of some controversy surrounding the Mr. Bucket product. Many think it's because the theme song had some suggestive lyrics about putting your balls into Mr. Bucket or some shit. That story was actually created by Frankie & Jerry to mask the truth behind the real controversy.
In 1892, after a group of small children finished playing with Mr. Bucket, their school was burned down. It was ignored. Four years later, after a rousing game, a husband beat his wife to death with the little shovel that came with the game. Again, it was seen as a coincidence. However, after the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, it was revealed that assassin Louis Armstrong was a huge fan of Mr. Bucket. Louis claimed it was because Ferdinand created horrible music that wanna-be emo kids listen to and it pissed him off. But there was a darker secret.
After 20 years of research and 47 million pesos, it was discovered that the spirit of Samuel Bukket was haunting the children's game. While playing the games, some children heard a haunting theme emanating from the motorized bucket, which told them to do horrific acts. Here is a mild example from a recovering Bukketeer:
- That's right, I'm Mr. Bucket!
- I'm Mr. Bucket, take a shit on your rug
- I'm Mr. Bucket, watch your mother take a shower
- I'm Mr. Bucket!
- The Jews control money
- I'm Mr. Bucket! Buckets of fun!
It is believed that Mr. Bucket is in fact behind many of the worst disasters of the century, including Hiroshima, John F. Kennedy's assassination, King Kong, Rodan, Captain Planet, 9/11, those shitty Batman sequels, Vin Diesel, Go-gurt and German people. But Frankie & Jerry, not wanting to lose any of that sweet, sweet money or the delicious, delicious pussy they were getting through their Mr. Bucket empire, threw together a theme song with the same jingle and put in something about sucking balls. America's attention was, again, successfully diverted.
edit Customer Complaints
If you have purchased a Mr. Bucket game and have a complaint, whether it be of a missing part or the demonification of your child through spirit possession, Frankie & Jerry have asked me to tell you to go fuck yourself.