From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|uk-N||This user is a native speaker of Correct English.|
|uk-P||This f****r speaks Correct English heavily laced with profanity that would make a f*****g a*****e sailor blush from all the g*******d blasphemy.|
| This user is a total UKer|
and is terribly polite
“The only other trisexual i know other than myself, i mean... i'd hit that!... I'd hit me too!”
“He was just there for me... after that blue bastard admitted he wasn't even gay. I love him with all my heart.”
“What a freakin' random freak, total psychotic freak on a leash!”
“Keep him away from me, he's fucking NUTS!!”
“I'm suing him for writing false articles about my privet life”
“uhuh uhh 'es ah grunger, innit, uh uh”
“ ......... ”
“I'll get you next time Volt... and your little fox too!!”
Volt is a slightly unhinged, trisexual mutant superhero and Uncyclopedian known for his bad grammor, spelling, editing and photoshopping and tescoshopping skills, understanding of proramming codes and attandency to spout random milkshakes and conjunctivitis. He writes about everything in third person, including shit about, them, you and himself.
Born Benjamin "Psycho" Tyderium Klendathu Richardson in Hastings England, between the years of 84 and 1984, in to the Richardson family of gangster-ninja samurai, Volt discovered his wonderous mutant powers over electricity inbetween the ages of 13 and 13 on his 13th birthday, in a swimming pool shortly after eating a particularly delicious meatball and spaghetti sandwitch. He also discovered that he could fly, reaching speeds approaching mach 3, faster than a conventional manual shaver, and has a rearly-used power of supersarcasm which only James Dean, Oscar Wilde and Evil Pizza are thought to possess. This power is rearly used for good reason and may destroy the entire zegnaverse if all four were to use it at the same time. He is currently engaged to gay icon Miles "Tails" Prower after his messy devorce from Sonic the "Blue Bastard" Hedgehog. His biggest weakness is Burberry, which is said to "remove his last screw" making him loose all self-control.
edit The Bullying
Born with heterochromic eyes and having a love of rock, metal, silver and all three sexes from a very early age made him a prime target for the repressive and militant Chav population of Hastings. School was particually tough for him, expecaly since three-quaters of the population of his school were Chav, including the teachers, (who heavly endorsed David Blunketts Education, Ineducation and Uneducation policy because it was "so much soddin' easier on da teachers, innit."). Not only did pre-Volt, Ben fight his teachers on the promise of a better education for himself, but the stinking Chavs who ruled his life every day, harrasing him for his style, eye colour and choice in eyeliner. Unfortunately his immensely powerful and just as insane family couldn't do anything about the current Chav ruling, as the Chavs owned the monopoly on fags, booze, cheese, party streamers, rectal thermometers and custard-to-anti-custard reactor core stabliser rods/vibrators, which just so happened to be the Richardson's primary buisness... For now...
edit Molding of a Slightly Psychotic Superhero with Heavy Overtones of Satire and Sarcasm and a Thirst for Vengeance and Anything Sexual
However it was his first year of secondary school that really toughened him up and prepeared him for the discovery of his powers, growths of hair that had started springing forth from verious naughty locations and his hormonal lust to "try anything sexual". His constant beating, p4wning and spanking (which he later admitted he rather enjoyed) by the chavs drove him strangly insane (and i mean it drove him insane in an insane way, diffrent from those driven insane in "normal" ways,) and both seeded a deep harted and a strange facination with the repugnent protohumans but also set a defiant vow to destoy all that is chav, depsite having them to thank for his tough and scarily intellectual current state of sarcastic heroic lunacy.
edit First True Love
Ben always knew he had love for everyone, male, female and the other one. His first love was of the latter sex, Lindsay Lohan before the feckless cuntbitch's rebirth as mistress of Paraguayan Hell. Back in the day, little miss sexy-but-satan was an innocent young lady, not that much younger than 12-year-old Ben himself and happened to be in Hastings when her father, Julius Norbuckle Lohan (of the United States Business Association Enterprise Megasystems.Com) and her mother "Septic" Peg Lohan (of the United States Association for the Morbidly Flatulent and Mentally Obese) became terribly, incredibly lost on their way to KFC down the road from their home in Hollywood. Upon asking Lindsay how Mr Lohan was able to get lost on a 5 miniute journey and end up a million miles away across a very big and wet ocean in a car, Ben was met with a sloppy wet kiss and the sweet, sweet words "How much to shut you up, freak?"
He was in love.
Her beauty bedazzled him and she had the voice of some kind of divine strangled cat, but she would always play hard to get, playing games of kiss-chase in his garden, down the street and in to the town, Lindsay would always find some palce to hide. Behind trees in the park, behind walls, bus shelters, fall-out shelters, court orders, but Ben's unwillingness to give up finally paid of for him in a big way.
After running to her father in tears (presumably of joy from the fun of the kiss-chase) and a few whispers in her ear from her overly-butch and probably homophobic father, she returned to Ben with a proposal. "Ok..." She admitted, "You're determined i'll give you that, maybe we could work something out." Said the remarkably well-spoken Lohan. "Our families are pretty powerful, if you could sign a few contracts for me... i'll let you be my boyfriend..." He would finally have a proper girlfriend, and not just any girlfriend, famous child actor-cum-devil worshiper Lindsay Lohan! Overrun by hormones and cheesecake and being a numpty, Ben agreed, not knowing what he had let him self in for.
edit Love Turns Sour
Of course in England's family-run gangster-ninja-samurai trade, in the late 1990's, the age of the person signing the contract had to be 12 or over, despite 18 being the age where one would "Get Maid", where the family member would get free use of any kind of maid, (the most popular choices being Milk Maid, Chamber Maid and Naughty Maid) after which the family member would be a real man. (even if she's a woman.) Because of this unusal factor, (and because he was the son of the boss) only known to those in the gangster-ninja-samuari trade and acting, Ben's signature would be as legal to the Lohans as any adult from the Richardson family. It wasn't long before his father discovered what the little plonker had done and forbad him to go within anthing even remotely Lohanesque, including statues of them, pictures of them, statue-shaped pictures of them or Saddam Hussein.
edit The Lohan/Richardson war
The Lohans had in mind a grand taking-over of the Richardson's businesses, to asimilate Borg-like in to their own collective megacorporation, expanding the already-massive empire of pointless businesses, such as Interglobamegacyberdyke, and Malcoms Left-Handed Mince Pies.
The war was on, and it started with a devistating attack by the Lohans on the Richardson's chain of Sex Casinos, which saw a 48% drop in profit with an equal percentage in rising trousers and underwear. This was a devistating blow for the Richardsons, but never the less continued their conflict by using overseas cyber ninjas to take out the Lohan's primary internet buisness "Seemydaughternaked.org", which saw a 50% drop in paedophiles, the Lohans losing $40,000,000. in one day. These vicious attacks on eachothers businesses continued for many months in to July.
edit War Ends, Volt is Born!
By a shear coincidence Ben's powers were discovered on his 13th birthday, and his powers manifested whilst in a swiming pool, incapacitating Micheal Jackson who was masquerading as a poolside recliner at the time. His power over electricity was not caused by the delicious meatball and spaghetti sandwich he had eaten moments beforehand, nor was the delecious meatball and spaghetti sandwich an earthy manifestation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster which did not endow him with his powers. Oh no. Rather his powers were the result of some kind of non-delicious meatball and spaghetti sandwich mutation, prehaps activated by his stress, annoyance and blossoming sexual frustration. A day later, his non-delicious meatball and spaghetti sandwich mutation took another leap forward, took two back, three to the left and then four forward again, and gifted him with the power to fly, just like Superman, Peter Pan, Lucy Lawless and by a pure coincidence the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who did not grant him his powers.
With the realisation of what he could do, he ended the war between his family by single-handedly killing the army of posessed Mr Blobby clones the Lohans had unleashed on Hastings. This sent them packing with their arrow-headed tails, quite literally, between their legs. It put Ben back in the good-books of the family and, conciquently he Got Maid earlyer.
edit Ronald McDonald, Supervillian!?
Ben decided to go by the alter-ego Volt to protect himself and his family, but his first job was not as a superhero, but in a local McDonalds, frying and spitting in burgers. It was there he stumbled upon a secret underground cavern, from which Ronald MacDonald himself commanded his newly formed evil empire, an alliance of Chavs, Pikeys and Seagulls, addicted to his evil food products and therefore subject to the evil clown's every whim. He knew that the Chavs had a higher master, but never did he imagine something so terrible. Yet it all added up! The primary diet of the chav is MacDonalds food, and both seagulls and pikeys scavange the leftovers, as a result all three species fall under the control of the evil overlord Ronald McDonald. It turned out McDonald chose England because the chav population eat more McDonalds' than all of America and he chose Hastings because, next to chav birthplace Essex, Hastings had the higest and mathmatically equal number of both chavs and seagulls. The gyppos were just a bonus. On a 15-minute break (the standard and only break in a 11-hour shift in McDonalds) Ben made his way down to the secret and suprisingly lightly-guarded cavern, where Ronald stood in-front of a huge TV screen, on which the UN quivvered at his demands to make ALL restaurants sell his food in a diabolical scheme to take over the world, or something. To he honest, Ben wasn't really listening. After being seized by MacDonald's armed guards, Ben was to be tourtured using a car battery hooked up to his nipples and genitaila, however little Grand Overlord Macdonald know that the boy would be immune and turned on by such affects. He disposed of the guards easly, but Ronald was not so easly hurt. His years of skin-bleaching had made the psychotic burger clown immune to pain.
The battle raged for hours, taring the place up, and just when Volt had the upper hand, he as shot with a Quarter Pounder launcher from a barely conscious guard. The demonic burger was launched in to Volt's mouth, and as he tried to spit it out, the juices from the cat vomit and hippo spinal jelly within the burger began to work their magic. First it started so simply. Every line of bacteria created a new and different line, eventually the strands ran rampant within his nurotoxijig thingies, and his brain sent out a signal, DEMANDING more of the burger. Just the smell of the squirrel meat alone was overpowering.
Just as the numpty reached for the rest of the burger, the building was raided by the United Nations, their fifth attempt (their first two being in entirely the wrong countries, the other two being in a garage in Chigwell and Ding Yow Song's Takeaway in Brighton) at locating evil Ronald's evil lair, wrestling Volt away from the burger with a stick and some rubber gloves, which also turned him on as this happened to be one of his fetishes.
It turned out the UN had been listening in since they began their
catfight epic battle, but with the screen damaged they were unable to communicate with them, or something utterly ridiculous like that. Impressed with the level of aggression and passion at which he fought, he was assigned in a kind of superhuman collage that was not at all a pun on the X-Men for copyright infringements, but the UN insisted he tone down the "passion" a bit more as it was getting rather disturbing.
As Volt was led away to a strip club very respectable place of entertainment for under 18's, came a threat from McDonald to watch out for his vengeance, as it would be vengeful and full of retribution and revenge.