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A Vampirate is a creature that combines the qualities of a vampire with those of a pirate. Not to be confused with vampires that one night decided to terrorize the seven seas, the vampirates are a unique breed of evil and awesomeness that comes to existence when a pirate is cursed with vampirism.

Possessing extensive sailing and raiding experience enhanced by profane powers, it is said that some ninjas even had short episodes of urinary incontinence when reports of these buccaneers of the night arised, though these are dubious accounts, since it's hardly plausible that one could spot a wet stain on black pants, much less of a ninja's and still live to tell the tale. Nonetheless, vampirates were, and still are, an ongoing threat to sailors, residents of coastal areas and sea mammals.

edit Origins


Captain Nitara is dated to be the first known female vampirate to terrorize the seas and suck blood out of unwary nerds.

The earliest report of a vampirate can be pinpointed to the coast of Romania, during the later years of the sixteenth century. The history of vampirates is told by a compilation of bed diaries from pirates, but the authenticity of said documents is disputed, since illiteracy was common among pirates. Pirates and the majority of the population.

History tells of a group of pirates with a larger than average testicles (even for their own) that decided to take their chances sailing to regions still unraided, known for horrific stories of the nocturnal creatures that inhabited it. Rumors included descriptions of beasts half men and half wolf, night creepers that fed on the blood of the innocent and of corpses rising from their graves. But still, they went on, specially because most of these crazed testimonies came from the internets, or at least it's earlier prototype, pubs crowded with smelly men of hairy backs that rarely were exposed to sunlight and barely said anything constructive. Even back then it was common knowledge that the content of the internets was limited to either lies or erotic material.

It was during a night of thick fog, they were running out of supplies and resolved it was about time to start their adventures on Romanian soil (i.e. pillaging, slaughtering and raping). So the bold pirates sailed towards the first village they sighted, readied their swords, cannons and like any good pirate, started profuse swearing and spitting for no particular reason. After merciless and severe bombing of the village (an achievement only topped centuries later by Adolf Hitler), they were disappointed with the absence of screams of torment and children's cries (Steve Ballmer was successful in getting that). Puzzled and angered, the pirates went to the village themselves to look for coin, cleavage and carnage for fun and profit while adding insult to injury.

Reaching the shore, the pirates were met with great confusion. There was no village at all. So they considered the possibility that excessive ingestion of rum and seawater had induced the hallucination of a village, but soon remembered they were pirates and started to swear, spit, fight and eventually, braid each other's beards.

Then after hours of facial hair care, the pirates left Romania never to come back again. Three days later another pirate completely unrelated to this event, while sailing through Asia, was bitten while receiving oral pleasure from a beautiful Thai lady and became the first vampirate. He spreaded vampirism to other pirates and eventually the myth of the vampirates was born. Back then, it was still unknown that transsexuals were from Transylvania and possessed the gene V4X1 gene, a.k.a. the "vampire gene".

edit Characteristics

Vampirates are a unique spicing of the best found in both vampires and pirates, with a few minor twists.

edit Appearance and Mannerisms

Vampirates inherited from their dark infectors a pair of fangs, an acute sense of fashion and a posh lifestyle. Therefore, they abandoned their garish clothing, started caring for their personal hygiene and exchanged their ships for yatchs.

Even though they have a vampire's regenerative powers, any part of their body lost previous to the transformation does not reconstitute itself, so some of them still are one-eyed, one-legged, one-handed freaks. Oddly enough, even though vampirates take great care of their hygiene, their beards remained intact. Vampirates also have a beautiful tan, reason for envy among regular vampires, that with modern age tanning techniques have only achieved an orange skin tone.

Vampirates don't curse nearly as much as they used to as corsairs. For an example, when threatening, instead of expressing themselves with sentences like "yer wanna fuckin' die matey, arrrgh?", they say "It is in your best interest to behave properly towards my persona otherwise I will have to register my discontent on your frontal lobe, arrrgh!". But don't be mistaken by their speaking habits, an angered vampirate is still a crude display of cruelty and ruthlessness.

Wine replaced rum as a vampirate's alcoholic beverage of choice, but they still drink it as if it were water and without actually tasting a single drop of it. Their reasons for this are relatively unknown, though one who was nice enough to give an interview before he mercilessly killed the reporter said that "It tastes like chicken".

Some call vampirates "emos of the sea", but the term itself is contradictory. Experiments conducted several times by scientists and sadists show that exposure to water will cause emos to dissolve into a puddle of make-up, unlike a vampirate, that will visciously erase from existence the ignorant fool that threw him on the water.

edit Powers and Abilities

Vampirates possess some of the powers vampires do, but not all of them. And as former pirates, the vampirates are master swordsmen, marksmen, sailsmen and manslaughterers. Raping is another thing they still do it very well, as well as blood-sucking, which is typical of vampires.

Super-strength: Vampirates have a super-strength superior to that of regular vampires. This is caused by the fact that they actually exercise and are muscular, unlike vampires that just fly around making suave, seducing movements with their capes.

Transmorphosis: A vampirate's transformation is very different from what expected. Instead of turning into bloodlusting bats, they turn into parrots. Black parrots. With red eyes. This has led many uninformed ecologists to believe that there is an endangered species of black parrot. But still there are just a few responsible for efforts of preserving such creature. This is due to the fact that in the parrot form, a vampirate attempts to bite his prey repeatedly for extensive time periods in an attempt to draw blood from his "victim". The lack of fangs make him just an annoying bird instead of a serious threat.

Another transformation power of the vampirates is the ability to turn into mist. Not exactly mist like vampires, but instead they turn into sea fog. Sea fog is composed mostly of seawater and has a salinity of between 3.1 and 3.8%. This is another transformation that upset many, since vampirates will often use it to cause metallic objects to oxidate.

The only transformation lacking in a vampirate is the analogue to the wolf metamorphosis. Some believe the reason for this is that pirates didn't have any sort of canine pet to take inspiration from and were frequently insulted with the word "dog" or "sea dogs", therefore transforming into a dog would just be redundant and stupid. A vampirate concerned with his image can't afford to be that. Others theorize that a vampirate's third transformation is the "Vampire Walrus". The only explanation to why no one has ever witnessed a vampirate transforming into a walrus it's because that would be even more pathetic than turning into a parrot or a redundant seadog, making vampirates ashamed to use it.

Miscellaneous: Vampirates also have enhanced senses, permanent youth (or almost that, since any decent pirate is over 40), ability to communicate with creatures of the night and complete control over transsexuals. This unique skill is likely the result of a vampire's power of seduction adapted to a pirate's secret sexual habits.

It is not known if vampirates can or cannot fly without the assistance of the parrot transformation. No one has ever seen a vampirate flying, but some speculate that the only reason they don't perform flying it's because that would beat the purpose of having a vessel.

edit Weaknesses

Vampirates won't turn into a pyre when exposed to the sun, won't spray blood when pierced with a wooden or silver stake and crosses don't have any effect over them. Explanations for this phenomena are based on the habits they used to carry out as mortal beings.

The immunity to the sun is likely caused by the long exposures to sun light vampirates used to have as sailors. Immunity to wood is probably due to the fact that every pirate has at least one wooden prosthesis. Any man claiming to be a pirate without a wooden prosthesis is a liar and should not be trusted (much like a pirate). Immunity to silver and crosses have numerous speculated causes, some of the more well accepted are the fact that pirates have at least one golden or silver tooth and that the ship's masts form crosses. However, a lot of them still have the habit of sleeping during the day, and do so as their ship floats by on the sea. But it would be foolish to attack them during this time, as they wake easily, and can and will kill you if you try to raid them.

Another advantage of a vampirate over a regular vampire is that they don't need blood to survive, but that doesn't stop them from drinking blood for pleasure. Pirates always did that, and some pirates claimed that they did it before vampires made it a fad.

edit Vampirates undefeated

For ages have the pirates and ninjas rivalry raged on, leaving a trail of countless severed heads, a majority of them bearded, with eye patches. Even though there is a debate, history clearly states that ninjas pwned pirates on most of their confrontations. But the tides changed when the Vampirate clan grew in size to the point that they were a force distinguishable from their former group.

And so a new age started with the advent of the vampirates. Up to today

edit See Also

  • Samuracists - Samurais who kill only one particular group of people.
  • Cowninjas - A cowboy that is also a ninja.
  • Pirafists - Pirates who abhor violence. Considered "wussies of the sea".
  • Erin Esurance - Spawned from the DNA of a vampirate insurance salesman.
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