User:Veita/Justin Bieber

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220px-Justin Bieber

Justin in her rarely observed upright position
Name Justin Bieber
Sex female
Born 2001, 9/11 (coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO!1!)
Place of birth Canada
Occupation maple syrup boiler(former)
R'n'B "singer"(present)
Instruments the leather flute
“Justin? Why, yes, he's a jolly good lad, I like him. A lot.”
~ Oscar Wilde on his sexual preferences
“And now I'm like, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber nooo, I'm like, Bieber, Bieber, Bieber nooo, etc. etc.”
~ a Baby
“Damn, this biiatch be hustlin', yo!”
~ Ludacris on Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber is a sweet little child and a national hero of Canada for being the first Canadian to earn a living from something other than producing maple syrup. He is world-renowned for his blooming cheeks and his contributions to philosophy and modern pop music, comparable only to those of Socrates and Michael Jackson.

edit Early life

Justin was born into a proletarian family and was thus forced to labour in a maple syrup factory from the age of 3 as a syrup boiler, working a minimum of 18 hours per day. There, the toxic maple steams highly increased the estrogen levels in her delicious preteen body, granting her a superhumanly girly voice.

Bieber syrup

Justin promoting a fine bottle of her brew

When Justin was 5, a friend of her overseer, Scooter Braun, visited the slave camp during a vacation. As the overseer was showing Scooter around, Bieber was doing her hair while she should have been doing strenuous work, which promptly resulted in him getting a whipping. For that purpose, Justin was stripped of her shirt, and everybody gathered around to watch the punishment for their amusement. Scooter, however, found more in the girl than mere lulz. He immediately noticed the inhuman squeaks that Bieber produced and saw her as an opportunity to squeeze lots and lots of money out of. Justin's rights were bought by Scooter on the very same day.
Child labour

A colleague of Justin in the camp at work

edit Career

Justin was immediately subjected to a routine of rehearsals and hormone therapy sessions lasting 16 hours a day on average. The change quite appealed to Justin since, due to this, the length of her working day decreased noticeably. Justin's owning company, the American N00b Artists League(ANAL), ordered a full scale scientific feasibility study on her. The results were...well...unsurprising.

Pie chart

Figure 1

As seen on Figure 1, the reason for Justin's mind staggering charm appears to lie mainly in her special voice. Based on this, the scientists predict that Justin's career will come to an end roughly at the age of 25, when she reaches puberty. She will then become, as all burned-out stars, a producer.

edit Controversy

edit Relations with Ludacris

Quite early in her career Justin befriended a fellow artist with the stage name of Ludacris. They quickly became close friends and attended many activities together, for example, wrestling.


Justin and Ludacris having some quality time

edit Rumors

There is a wide variety of stupid rumors circling around about Justin and her pure, sinless soul. Among other things, it has been claimed that:

  • Justin keeps a harem of 99 babies in her cellar.
  • Bieber strolls the endless acres of her private estate on a pink pony.
  • She is into the fashion of breaking teenagers' hearts and drinking their blood to preserve her infantile looks(This rumor was promptly confuted by her agent during an interview in Justin's ginormous mansion where both Bieber and her agent were exhibiting their new fashionable red-splattered shirts).
  • Justin is straight. Outrageous!
  • "Bieber" means "basketball" in German[1]. Quite obviously it acutally means "...What?".
  • Justin does not use autotune because she can't afford it. As is evident in her songs, Justin actually uses it in copious amounts, as Justin actually sings in ultrasound and the producers have to lower the pitch just to make her music audible to her listeners.
  • It is believed that Justin Bieber is actually Pedobear's new disguise in luring the pre-pubescent girls to his lair.

All these claims are to be looked at as filthy lies. The infidels behind these sayings will be dealt with.

edit Crowd control problems

During a concert, 400,000 of his fan-girls started revolving at increasing speeds out of sheer excitement and promptly died of hyperventilation. The world was in grief.

Bieber fan-girl

A typical fan-girl of Bieber.

edit See also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Justin Bieber.

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