User:Usewho'sname?/work in progress
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Anyone who wants to take these over please do.
| Nominated Noob of the Month|
edit =unnews:police shoot white van man-->
LONDON (AP):- Breaking news just in of another terrorist related police shooting.
Earlier today Officers of the Metropolitan Police Anti-Terrorist Task Force shot and wounded Amir Massoud Tofangsazan in Old Kent Road. Mr Tofangsazan was rushed to hospital where sources say he is a stable condition.
A spokesman for the Police has released this statement.
Earlier today, 2 officers of our Anti-Terrorist Task Force followed a white van down Old Kent road. Their suspicions were arroused when one Office noticed that it was not flying any England Flags. The Officers pulled over the van and upon seeing it was driven by a man of non-caucasion descent, drew their handguns and opened fire. We have complete faith that the man in the van was infact a terrorist, otherwise he would have been supporting our brave boys over in Germany at the moment.
A full investigation has been promised, the results of which are available on www.metpolice.com/investigation/whitewash.
edit Pope on Viagra
Vatican City (AP):- In response to the surprising turn of events last week when Pope Benedict XVI came out in favour of Viagra during his June 4 Mass in St. Peter's Square, UnNews have been granted a special interview with his Holiness. The following is is a transcripof the conversation our reporter, Wayne Kepuckle, had with his holiness:
un: Goodevening your Holiness
pb: Goodevening my son.
un: Dad!? You're my Dad! Oh my God, I've been trying to track you down for years! Why did you have to leave me you bastard? Mum was devestated when you just walked o..
pb: No, no, no "my son " is just a phrase, I call everyone "my son"
-- interview suspended for 10 mins --
un: Umm sorry about that, shall we start again?
un: Well your Holiness, we're here to discuss you suprise announcement last week the it is ok for Catholic men to use viagra.
pb: More than that. It is actually their Catholic duty to use viagra.
un: Their duty?
pb: Yes, my s.. umm, young man, their duty. All Catholic men should be using viagra and making love to their wives every night, as many times as they possible can.
un: That's rather a strange thing to say coming from the head of the Catholic church isn't it? would you care to explain why?
pb: Certainly. It's a numbers game you see. In today's society we are seeing a steady decline in the number of worshipers in God's Church, and it is starting to really piss Him off. If we are not careful He will be sending another flood to teach us the error of our ways. So several of my Bishops and I got together and had a brain storming session to come up with some plans to increase the numbers of our worshipers. We knocked about a bit with a few ideas, liberalisation, female clergy, massive ad campaign, you know the usual things, then it came to me, what is it that really determins what denomination of religion you follow?
un: I don't know, what is it?
pb: It's your parents! Well in your case parent. You follow the religion that your parents teach you is the One and True religion! We as a church have to get our act together to face the rising numbers the other religions are getting. I know it helps that Islam keeps getting it's followers to blow themselves up, but they allow their men to have more than one wife for Christs sake! How are we supposed to compete against that! Then I had the brain wave, the more sex you have, the more likley you are to have children!
un: I see, so the promoting the use of Viagra is to increase the
pb: Yes! that's right! to increase the number of Catholic children! I mean, my predesessor's had the original good idea with the banning of contraceptives, but they made the mistake of adding guilt to sex, so Catholic parents weren't having as much sex as they could and so the increase in numbers wasn't as great as it could have been.
In an possible unrelated item, following brisk tradeing, Pfizer shares closed over 500 points up last night. Magor shareholder PBXVI trading corp. say's the news was very incouraging.
edit Palm Pilot
The air support provided in Handgun Wars.
A Palm Pilot extends both arms out to the side to take off. Steered using their palms to direct airflow, Palm pilots usually have machine gun Handgun attachments leading to their distinctive rat-a-tat-tat sound.
10 step program
1:Admit you have a problem and are a breather. 2:Praise God in all his wisdom for letting you do step number 1 3:Read the Bible 4:Praise God in all his wisdom for letting you do step number 1 AND step number 3 5:Take the pledge not to do Naughty Things until you are married as this might lead to Heavy Breathing 6:Read the Bible some more, trying not to look at the fellow member of YCAB next to you as this might lead to Naughty Things. 7:Excuse yourself to "go to the toilet". 8:Wipe up. 9:Feel very guilty, pray to The Lord God Almighty for forgiveness. 10:Close your nose and mouth with you hand and stop breathing. 11:Repeat step 1 - 10 till you succeed
If this 10 step program doesn't work, your belief in The Most Almighty One is not strong enough
edit peolpe i like award