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“This book is a great gift for any occasion.”
“I can't put this book down. The book is glued to my hands!”
Have you ever encountered a situation where you just don't know? Have you ever been so bored that you decided to write a whole book? Well, this book is right for you. Many situations are covered and provide insightful decisions that are not obvious to the common person – right here, jam-packed to its full potential.
In this book, we'll detail every rule that every person should know and do. We made a promise that our collection includes rules that are purposeful and complete. Of course, not all scenarios are covered in this book. How about you add some?
Everything about yourself
If you use more than 175 hours of Internet per week,
- discontinue Internet use immediately
- avoid direct contact with fresh air, gently open the window to a small crack
- cover eyes with hands and switch on the lights
- gradually move hands away to avoid eye burns (you do not have eye beam abilities)
- take a bath
- practise your communication skills
- instead of saying “ROFL,” use facial expressions and physical motions to communicate feelings
- finally, go outside
Maybe I should have told you that you left your computer on when you stepped outside.
Those poor kittens. I can't believe this actually happens...
Anyway, if you huff a kitten (or have before) then you might want to read the section about monsters that will devour you in the next 5 minutes. Just kidding.
When one encounters a door with a doorbell, get beats out of it. Knock on the door and ring the bell in the following sequence: knock-knock, ding-dong, knock-knock, ding-dong, knock, ding, knock, dong, knock-knock, ding, knock-knock, dong, knock-knock, ding-dong, ding-dong, knock, ding-dong.
edit Floor tiles
Always step on tiles that have an outstanding colour or shape. If the tile is too far to reach, the tile directly beside it may be used. However, a circular tile is never to be touched. Circular tiles activate sensors that may cause the floor to open up and reveal that you are standing on a column in a pit of lava. Oh, wait a minute. Was it diamond shaped ones?
edit Sidewalk cracks
On each step of a sidewalk crack whether natural or man-made, you must clap once with your hands.
Tinfoil hats do not work. In fact, tinfoil hats actually amplify brain-altering signals. Materials that provide Faraday cages or shielding should be used in your hats. Expect abnormally high IQ levels after 3 days.
Everything related about real people and yourself
If a family conversation does not initiate within 30 seconds of everybody sitting down, one must start the conversation by pointing out what someone is eating. So, if you notice that no one is talking, you point out to the person sitting directly across from you an interesting fact about the food they currently have on their utensil.
If a friend says “L.O.L.” or “lŭls”, reply with the phrase “Oh, I get it now. It's an onomatopoeia! A trampoline goes pwn when you jump on it!”
Establish a conversation about a non-existent situation involving your friends.
“Hey, remember the time I sneaked a floppy diskette into your binder and the teacher thought you were a hacker?”
I think we don't need to discuss this – do we?
edit Movie, home
Check the movie length of the DVD (it should say on the case label) and find the time in minutes. The addition of the digits divided by 2 is the required number of times that you are to watch the movie.
edit Movie, theatre
edit Silence, awkward
If there are three awkward silences in a row, step on someone's toe. If a conversation starts to be, everyone is filled with glee!
edit Game, online multiplayer
Look out! There's a monster behind you! This section highlights the most important rules you should know about monsters. If you don't follow them
Create a savestate before continuing.
When one encounters a raptor, run in a optimal direction that will allow for a maximum amount of time for survival.
Protect your homes from raptors. Ensure doors and windows are reinforced agianst clawing. Chart out a floor-plan of your home or apartment, marking routes which you can easily follow to your high-security, raptor-free control room.
edit Weapons, destroy with
Spike is out to get you because you wrote a poor article
edit Article, huffed your
edit Destroy, how to
- Create a distraction in the Village Dump by posting a highly volatile discussion
- “Uncyclopedia is NOT funny”
- Post the same thing in the admin's talk page
- Head to Wikia headquarters where the servers are located
- Take a picture of the server or if not possible, a picture of something that looks like a server
- Return back the admin's talk page and post that picture
- Make sure that the picture is a free license or in public domain and an appropriate summary
- The admin will post about the picture in Village Dump
- Fame and popularity!
Oh, you wanted to destroy the admin... I thought you wanted to be popular?
edit Hate, hate, hate!
“This book is a must carry with you until you get perma-ban'd.”