User:Un-Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/137
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Episode #137: The Klotski Killer (Saw) Part II
(This episode begins inside the ATU)
Kallir: You are suspended over a vat of hot plastic. (shot to plastic, camera pan to right) To the left of you is a button that will drop you into the vat of plastic. (camera pan to left) To the right of you is a button that will drop you into the plastic. (camera pan to right) To the front of you is a stone wall, don't hit it, (camera pan to bottom) or you might fall into the vat of plastic. (camera pan to window) Behind you is a glass window which you can escape through, but you will be blinded by the shards of glass if you go through it. (camera flip to Kallir's fingerpuppet on screen) You have two minutes until you are dropped into the vat of plastic. Good luck.
Adam: What the heck!?!
Aquarii: There is a bomb! I know it!
Priest: God says-
(Priest disappears through a trap door. He's screaming on his way down.)
Cerid: Something tells me we should probably get away from here...
(Abrupt camera flip to a thick, smooth stone wall being erected around the surrounding area of the ATU. Camera flip to inside ATU. Han is attempting to escape.)
Han: SHUT UP!
(Camera flip to Zatoichi, who is on the roof now)
Zatoichi: I'M BLIIIIIND! (cries on floor) Oh...wait a second here...
(Camera flip to main party)
Adam: We're trapped...
Kiera: Well, no shit Sherlock...
(Kiera slips and falls down another trap door)
(Aquarii jumps down with her. Kim then goes down with her parents. Camera flip to Priest, who wakes up strapped to a pew. A tape recorder is near him. He presses play on it.)
Kallir: Hello. I'm not able to answer the phone write now. Please leave a message after the beep and leave your name and number, I will slowly torture you to death as soon as I can--
(Priest presses the fast forward button)
Kallir: Note to self - get ass cream for--
(He presses the fast forward button again)
Kallir: Hello, Mister Priest. How about we play a little game, shall we? Exactly after this tape stops, Carl Sagan's Cosmos will begin to play on the screen in front of you above the altar. If you do not stop it, you will die of boredom. In order to stop it you must untie yourself from the pew and get the key which is hidden in a floorboard. The key will be of absolutely no use to you, so just walk out the back door.
(Camera flip to the main group)
Adam: Let me guess... I'll have to save the world again, right?
(Camera flip to Keira, Aquarii, and Kim, who are tied up in ropes, all squashed inside an oven. There is a tape recorder in the oven. Kim presses play on it.)
Kallir: Hello, Keira, Kim, and Eno. Let's play a game. When this tape stops (CGI zoom into triggering mechanism inside tape), these ovens will turn on, and start heating up. (Zoom out and pan onto the ropes around Aquarii) You all have to get untied and get out of the oven before you die because of the heat. (Pan right and zoom outside oven door. Zoom on "clean" lock.) You will notice the oven door is locked, (Pan left and zoom into silverware drawer) and the key in the silverware drawer. It is shaped like a spoon. (Zoom out and slow rotation around kitchen) Then you have to get out of the kitchen. (When at counter with chocolate cake, quick camera zoom near the chocolate cake) A chocolate cake is cooling on the counter. Don't touch that, my wife will kill me. Don't forget -- (Camera pan and zoom to double door to outside of kitchen) if you open the door it will trigger the bomb in the ham sandwich you were fed approximately five hours and thirteen minutes before starting this recording. (Camera flip to recording) Good luck.
Aquarii: DAMMIT! Plus, this seems like the kind of place Demsey would be at, strangely.
(Camera flip to Demsey, chained on a wall, while gagged. There is a plate with a pufferfish liver on it in front of him. A tape recorder is playing.)
Kallir: Welcome, Demsey. How about...a game. You must ungag yourself to eat this liver. The key (CGI zoom into key inside liver) to unlock the locks that keep you chained to this wall is inside the liver. (Zoom out to Demsey) Once you unchain yourself, you must get to the exit. Unfortunately, in the way is a mess of cutlery. (Camera flip cutlery) If you don't escape, you will die of starvation. (Camera flip to Demsey) Good luck.
(Camera flip to a giant chessboard. There are no pieces on the board. Corsaire is on one side. There is a tape recorder on the floor. Corsaire goes to it, and presses play.)
Kallir: Hello, Mr. Corsaire. How about a little...game. When this tape stops, poison gas will start filling this room. You will need to get across the chessboard (Zoom into chessboard) as quickly and quietly as you can. If you make even the smallest noise, a robotic ninja (CGI zoom into area under chessboard, where there are many robotic ninjas) will stab through the board, killing you. Once you get across the chessboard, you will have to climb a rope to get across a pit of acid. (Camera flip to pit of acid, with a long, loosely hanging rope that is in bad shape across the pit) You will then have to use the key to unlock the door (Camera flip to locked strong metal door). The key is inside this tape. (CGI zoom into key inside tape) Good luck. (Camera flip to recording shutting down)
(Camera flip to laundry room. Adam and Cerid wake up, opposite sides of the room. Camera aimed from left side of Cerid to Adam. Both are chained to pipes. A dead man lies in the middle of the room, with a half eaten sandwich in his hand)
Adam: What the hell?
(The TV turns on. The fingerpuppet is seen on screen.)
Kallir: Hello, Adam and Cerid. You're playing a little game right now. Let's get started. (Pan left and zoom into Cerid and then Adam's chains) You are shackled by hand to opposite walls. (Pan from Adams chains to the gun with slow rotation) A water gun is lying next to Adam. (Camera flip to recording) In approximately two hours, after this recording stops, if you do not come up with something that is funny that will make Cerid laugh, your favorite computer will be destroyed.
Adam: Oh fuck.
(Camera flip a room across the hallway. Engelsfair is lying in a pool of blood in a dimly lit room. He wakes up. Camera flip to television screen in room which turns on.)
Kallir: Hello, Engelsfair. You've been stripped of you powers, and I've removed your left kidney, because I don't particularly like kidneys at all. (CGI Zoom into Engelsfair where dark, liquid matter is flowing through his bloodstream) You've also been injected with a deadly poison, the antidote of which I can only administer for you. However, in order for you to get the antidote, (CGI quick pan to Adam's house) you must go over to Adam's house and (Quick zoom and pan to top of staircase, left, and into Adam's room, then to his computer) hold his computer at gunpoint while watching the events in the room Adam and Cerid are in. If, in two hours, Adam does not make Cerid laugh, you are to pull its plug out of the wall and leave. If you fail to do so, you will die of the serum. (Camera flip to screen) Good luck. (Screen turns off)
(Camera flip to nearby police station. Officer Ronalds pulls out a file and places it onto a desk. Camera pans to door on the left of the room, where Brad A. Pacer comes in. Camera follows him to the desk, where he takes a seat in his Herman Miller chair.)
Brad: (Closeup, opening file) So this is the file of famed Klotski Kallir?
Ronalds: Yes, the very one.
Brad: The guy that puts blocks near every one of his victims that fail to escape?
Brad: (Flipping through file) Is there a picture of anything of his besides that stupid finger puppet?
Ronalds: (Camera flip to face) Oh, you mean the one that looks like a gnome?
Brad: (Return to previous camera angle) Yeah...exactly. What about his victims?
Ronalds: They're in the back, sir.
Brad: (Camera on folder as he flips to some photos in back, but not quite fully to the back) Holy fuck it looks like goatse and tubgirl had children! (Drops file)
Ronalds: (Camera moves up to Ronalds) No, you're in the wrong section. That's his shock porn collection found at the scene of one of his crimes. Look further in the back.
Brad: (Previous camera angle. Flips further through the papers. Finds a photo and reads off certificate near it.) Nitedorulez, Jules. 26. Died in nerve gas expiriment. Block found in coffin. (Flips further and reads another) Strangeherr, Aldolous M.D. 45. Died from slow acting poison while attempting to lure victims into death trap. Block found in suitcase of valuable items.
Ronalds: (Camera flip to side of desk. Both Ronalds and Brad are visible) Even opening the file gives me shivers down my spine.
Brad: (Closup to Brad) Do we have any more information about him and his whereabouts so we can stop him?
Ronalds: No sir. We've been looking around the Dunkin' Donuts all day and there's been no sign of him.
(Camera flip to side of desk. Brad reaches over and backhands Ronalds.)
Brad: (Pointing finger at Ronalds) I want you to find him, and when you do, call in SWAT and stop him before he harms anyone else.
Ronalds: (Pause) Understood, sir.
(Camera flip to Priest. Hello Zepp plays. He is struggling to unbind himself from the chair - closeup of his face for a few seconds struggling. Flip to television screen Carl Sagan drags on. Camera transfers to Cosmos playing on screen. Carl sagan is walking down a beach.)
Carl Sagan: ...flinging atoms together...crumbly, but good...
(Camera flip to Corsiare. He places his boot slowly onto the first tile (focused on by camera), a large Katana extends from the middle of the square. Quick paced camera flip to Aquarii, who is sweating with his family in the oven.)
Aquarii: (Closeup for Aquarii) BOMB!
(The oven door explodes and the family gets out of the oven. Keira stands there with Kim. Aquarii slaps her.)
Aquarii: (Camera Behind Aquarii, looking at Keira) Don't just stand there, woman, get the key before we die here!
(Closeup to Aquarii's face, which is shortly punched by Keira thereafter. Just as the punch contacts with the face)
(Camera flips to Cerid trying to pull the handcuff out as Adam tries to make her laugh)
Adam: (Camera on Cerid trying to pull her handcuffs off the pipe) ...and then the pirate said "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
(Camera flip to Engelsfair, who is in Adam's home. His mother is tied up in the broom closet, which there is a brief camera shot of before returning to Engelsfair near Adam's computer with a gun. Camera flips to near Engelsfair's shoulder. He is watching an American football game.)
Engelsfair: No, not like that, dammit! What kind of pass is that? Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be doing something here...
(He changes the channel to watching Adam and Cerid.)
(Camera flip to Han. He has unbound himself from the chair, and is now eating the chicken.)
Han: (With mouth full) Stop struggling! I'm trying to eat the key out of you.
(Han spits out the key and throws the chicken into the water. Camera follows chicken into water, underwater, camera moves to edge, where there is a clock. It strikes zero. Camera flip to closeup of Zatoichi. An explosion is heard from afar. This is repeated for Aquarii, Engelsfair, Priest, Demsey, Adam, and Rene. Credits roll.)