User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/118
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edit Episode #118: The League of Extraordinary Idiots (Part I)
(Episode begins at the bar. Connery shot one of the men with his elephant gun. Another one was smashed against a glass table, then a bottle. The third man started to run out of the bar. Connery walks out to the bar's porch - a man follows. By this time the man is far in the distance.)
Man: You can't hit him from that far!
Connery: You're right I can't.
(Connery puts on his glasses)
Connery: (Aiming) Damn, I hate getting old...
(Connery shoots, missing the man)
Man: I tol-
(A roar is heard, followed by a scream)
Connery: You were shaying?
Connery: Who the hell are you anyway?
Man: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Mister James Enigma. I am here to request service from you and your friends.
Connery: Are you? Well, we're not interested in helping you.
Man: But the queen needs you to save Britain from Dr. Strangeherr!
Connery: Well I don't need Britannia.
Man: I'll throw in a bottle of Chianti if you help me.
Connery: You've got yourshelf a deal. Now what do you want ush to do?
Man: Meet me in London on the first of March, in the building at this address (Gives Connery a card)
Man: Pack for an English spring.
Connery: Oh whatever! Jusht get out of my fashe!
(The man walks away into a carraige. Connery walks out onto the dirt street. The group follows with Adam and Eno supporting Han.)
Han: I'm going to fucking bury that guy. I've done it before and I'll do it again. I'm going to fucking kill Dr. Strangeherr.
Connery: Well, pack your bags. We're going to England to go on another journey.
Han: We don't want to go to England!
Moonshine: I'm cool with that if we can get a flight...with SAVINGS!
(Nikita slaps Moonshine)
Connery: Do you have anything better to do?
Han: Well...we've got to get revenge on who shot me!
Connery: It has to do with him anyways.
Han: Okay. Pack your bags, everybody! We're going to England!
Moonshine: WITH SAVINGS!
Nikita: Shutup Moonshine.
Moonshine: WITH SAVINGS!!!!!!!
Adam: This guy is the new Engelsfair...
C: I heard that! Er, anybody have any porcelain ponies?
(Everyone looks at C strangely)
Braycat: I can silence this guy. <Shoots a moose with an arrow>
(Moonshine Faints... WITH SAVINGS!)
(Several months later the group finds itself in England. It is raining as they enter the building. The proceed down a spiral staircase. )
Enigma: Right this way, sirs.
(Several hundred steps later)
Hinoa: Where are we going, fricken Taiwan?
(A few more steps and a door can be seen. Enigma opens the door for everyone, but leaves. There are no lights on in the room. )
Man: Ah, there you are. So this is the fabled group that defeated both Alka'anad and Darth Communist...
Connery: Shtop with the theatricsh. Who the hell are you?
(The man starts to light the lights in the room. It's a completely empty brick room.)
Man: My superiors call me Man. My underlings call me sir.
Connery: Now what is thish all about?
Man: You are all here to make the newest incarnation of the League of Extraordinary Losers to combat Dr. Strangeherr.
Hinoa: This isn't much of a room is it?
Man: Well, if you're on my salary you'd understand why it looks like shit. I wanted to get the library but the other bastard got there before me.
Connery: Sho how do you think we're going to defeat thish man?
Man: I'm giving you several allies and improving some of the ones you have. Ah, here comes one right now.
(A woman opens the door.)
Hinoa: *Gasp!* Captain Janeway!?
Man: No. Meet Miss Mina Stranger.
(Mina slaps Hinoa)
Shamus: Yeah, yeah. Woo, welcome to the idiot patrol! Now what were you going to do in improvin' us?
Man: Ah, yes. Trousers, come here.
(Trousers walks up the man. Two electrodes are stuck onto his head.)
Man: Now, this is going to sting...a lot.
(He plugs the electrodes into a car battery. Trousers regains his brain.)
Man: Okay, and now for Emmzed...
(Man gives Emmzed a potion. Emmzed drinks it.)
Man: You now have the ability to turn wood invisible.
Emmzed: What kind of power is that?
Man: One that sucks. Okay Corsaire!
(Corsaire comes up and the Man gives him a sabre.)
Corsaire: What will this come in handy for?
Man: I hocked it off online for a buck. Okay, there is one other crew member that you must get. He lives at this address (Gives Connery a card).
Connery: Sho we get Dorian Grey on our team?
Man: Actually it's Dorian Grey's brother Kato Grey. Dorian wasn't available, but they both live in the same house. Now get before they overcharge me!
(King Feline walks into the room)
Feline: You are going overtime!
Man: Shit! Well, get out of here through the back door, get Mr. Grey, and stop Dr. Strangeherr.
(The group goes onto the street and gets a ride to Kato's place via a speedboat piloted by Corsaire.)
Han: Thhihi-i-i-i-s rrrrridddddde is bummmppppy.
Corsaire: What do you expect?
(They arrive at Dorian's house and knock on the door. Dorian answers)
Dorian: What do you want.
Connery: We're here to seek your brother.
Dorian: (sighs) He's downstairs playing Halo 3 again. (turns head back and yells) Kato! Get off your lazy ass! You've got visitors!
Aquarii: Oooh, are those COOKIES?!
Dorian: (sighs) Yes.
Aquarii: Can I have one?
(The oven explodes)
Dorian: Fine, take one, whatever. KATO! HURRY UP!
Kato: You're making me screw up! I'm almost #1 on the serv- AH! GOD DAMNIT!
Dorian: Listen, guys, I'm going to have to defuse a bomb here. Come in and sit in the library and wait till dipshit comes over there.
Kato: I HEARD THAT!
Dorian: Just come in.
(The group comes in and takes seats in the library. Shamus takes a scotch bottle on the table.)
Emmzed: What is is with video games and people that makes them lose their minds???
Voice: It's the video games that corrupt the minds of children! It's also shows like this!
(All of a sudden troops surround the library as Kato is coming in with Dorian. Dorian is holding a plate of cookes with an oven mit on. Jack Thompson comes down the stairs with a metallic mask covering half his head.)
Thompson: So you are the supposed league of extroardinary idiots. Oh, and Dorian, I'm scarred, not blind. Drop the cookies.
Dorian: But they're chocolate chip!
Thompson: I don't care what flavor it is! Drop them. Dr. Strangeherr doesn't want cookies. He wants your lives!
(Dorian drops the cookies. Connery notices one of the soldiers. The troop winks, then starts shooting at the other troops. A battle ensues. Thompson sneaks out the back door. The heroes win.)
Connery: Wushiesh, all of them!
(The soldier that fired onto the other soldiers walks up and takes off his hat)
Soldier: Mr. Mort at your service.
Connery: Sho you got that letter I shent you?
Mort: No, actually. I came here with these losers so then I could get rid of them and kick Kato's ass in Halo 3.
Kato: You're going down! You are going down, sir.
Mort: We'll see, but this issue has gotten a lot more complex. After we solve it, I'll kick your ass, but literally and figuratively.
(Another soldier, half dead crawls up with a knife, and then holds Mina by the neck with a knife.)
Soldier: Nobody moves, or the chick gets it!
(Credits roll. The situation is seen, it is tense. Aquarii is munching on a cookie.)
Keira: Haven't we gone throgh this before? Sheesh.
Soldier: I SAID NO MOVING!
Aquarii: (Dropping cookie) Christ. A guy can't even eat a cookie around here.