User:Uncyclopedian/UnScripts:The Young and the Uncyclopedians/111
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II CXI: The Wrath of Blaning
(The episode begins with two of the faceless men throwing Han into a cell somewhere on the duplicate Earth. No other characters can be seen or heard.)
Han: Where...where am I?
Guard: You're in a prison cell under the authority of Lord Blaning.
Han: Lord Blaning?
(Just then Blaning comes in with a funky hairdo and fur clothing followed by Nikita and Hinoa held by two guards. Han is forced to bow before Blaning)
Han: Blaning, you bloodsucker! You're going to have to do your own dirty work now, do you hear me? Do you?!
Blaning: Han! Han, you're still alive, my old friend.
Han: Still! Old! Friend! You've managed to kill just about everybody else, but like a poor marksman you keep missing the target!
Blaning: Perhaps I no longer need to try, General. (Brings in Trousers on a cart)
Nikita: Oh, no!
Hinoa: They wouldn't be able to take the kid. He's too frigging annoying already!
Han: Blaning. Blaning, you've got Trousers. But you don't have me! You're going to kill me, Blaning, you're going to have to come down here. You're going to have to come down here.
Blaning: I've done far worse than kill you. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on... hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her. Marooned for all eternity, in the center of a dead planet. Buried alive... buried alive.
Han: [shouts] BLAAAANIIIIIIING! [echoes] BLAAAAAAAAANIIIIIING!
(The scream is heard around the planet. Switch scenes to a house)
Wife: What was that, honey?
Husband: (Reading paper) Beats me. Get me a beer.
(There is a knock on the door. The wife opens the door. It is The Baron, who had not died in this mirror universe)
Baron: Can I use your phone, perhaps? I need to talk to Lord Blaning about that screaming problem...
Husband: We ain't got no phone!
(The phone rings. The husband picks it up.)
Husband: WE AIN'T GOT NO PHONE!
(The phone is slammed. Switch scenes to the prison.)
Han: What'd you do with the rest of the crew you fiend?!
Blaning: Why, they're all dead General!
Han: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wait. Is he telling the truth Nikita?
Han: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [echo]
(Switch scenes to the house)
Husband: God dammit! How am I supposed to read this paper with all this bitching!?
(The husband walks out the door with a shotgun and gets into his truck. He backs up and runs over the Baron and makes his way toward the compound. He stops to say something to his wife, first)
Husband: I want some goddamn food on my table before I come back!
(Switch scenes to the prison)
Trousers: Belly button!
(A guard pokes trousers with his rifle)
Blaning: Come with me, Han.
(Han is led with a team of several guards to a remote room in the base. It is dark. Blaning turns on the lights. Confetti spills out everywhere. Balloons go flying. Everyone but Han shouts.)
Everyone but Han: HAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Trousers: What's going on? Is this a birthday party?
(Switch scenes. The husband is now outside the gates with his shotgun an a 6 pack of Budweiser)
Husband: I still have not taken down Starnes yet, dammit!!!
(Husband reveals himself to be...Robert Gates!!)
Robert: I had left secretly to arm to kill...STARNES!!!
Wife: Shut up!
(Scene change. Now back at the base. Most of the group has survived to kick down the door to save Han.)
C: You can't kill commie native Ouroboroist contents-loving slow-speaking contents-hating aspie curry powder warriors IN REAL TIME!!!
Aquarii: Lets save Han!!! NOW!!!
Trousers: What is a now?
(In the middle of a table, Trousers opens a present. It blows up in his face. A piece of brain sputrs out of his head. He survives.)
Hinoa: Was that a bit of brain I saw flying from Doctor Dimwit Trousers, or was that just silly string?
Han: It was bra-
Han: -in. Probably the entire thing.
(Suddenly, Argon File comes in, escorted by a squad of EDian bodyguards)
Argon: I HAVE REPAIRED ED!!! YAY!!! LULZ!!! HOW ABOUT SOME DISCO INFERNO BISHES?
Everyone else: Oh no...
Argon: And Han, I have finally taken my great revenge on you and your stupid Grue Army!!! You will see, another article, insulting you so nicely!!!
(Everyone else stares at Han.)
Argon: And I have finally caught you, in my hands this time. Han, Adam, and Froggy, prepare to die.
(Suddenly, an Illegal Mexican from Outer Space called Tortilla Hundurd comes in.)
Tortilla: I, TORTILLA, DECLARE WAR ON BENSON!!!
Benson: BENSON IS BETTER THAN TORTILLA!!!
Tortilla: ALL WHO FOLLOW TORTILLA GET FREE TACOS!!!
Benson: ALL WHO FOLLOW BENSON GET GREATNESS!!!
Argon: Die, Han!! Die, Adam!! Die, Froggy!!!
Trousers: Ooh! Tacos!! OOH!! GREATNESS!!! Ooh, string!!!
Benson: BENSON OFFERS STRING AS WELL!!!
Nikita: I do not think you're going to quite get away with this sirs.
Nikita: I'm afraid I'm going to fire all of you.
(Nikita summons the fires of hell and "fires" Argon, Tortilla, and Benson. Nobody is harmed but Tortilla, who runs away.)
Argon: Nice fire!!!
Adam: What the heck did you do!?!
Nikita: I was going to banish Argon, Tortilla, and Benson temporarily to a purgatory of sorts.
Argon: Now it is time to kill you. Die, Adam! Die, Han! Die, Froggy!
(Froggy shoots a poison dart at one EDian, killing him.)
Argon: Ha HA!!! THERE IS AN ARMY OF EDIANS HERE!!!
EDian: GOATSE SHOK PRON!!!
(Trousers has sex with an EDian. The EDian becomes very happy, and then kicks Trousers away.)
Argon: See the power of ED!!! Mwa ha ha! Han looks stupid!
(Argon and the EDians capture the group. Credits roll.)
Penis: Im hard right now.