Republic of Cerveza
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That Socialist Republic of Cerveza Thats Partially a democracy
|Motto: "I don't always lead a country but when I do I prefer Cerveza"|
|Anthem: "Long Live the Brotherland!"|
|Official language(s)||Cervasian,Gibberish, Swearing,|
|Cervasian Premier||Niko Bellic|
|‑ Prime Minister||Konstichurnople Faggot|
|‑ King||The Most Interesting Man in the World|
|Average temperature||−5 °C|
|Maximum temperature||+89 °C|
|Ethnic groups||Russians,Italiano's, Mobster, Jews,Europeans,Mexicans|
|National Hero(es)||Bear Grylls|
|Established||the day it was formed|
|Currency||Republic Dollar,Twinkies,anything they can find|
|Religion||Church of Mr.T Jesus|
|Major exports||WMDs,Cambodian Children,Refurbished T-55s,and Biological weapons|
|Major imports||American made Jets,Japanese made cars,and Fresh Swedish Air.|
|Intelligence||Ranked just in front of The Ren and Stimpy Show|
|Time zones||As many as France surrendered in wartime.|
|National antagonists||Resistance members and/or the rest of the world.|
|Grand Theft Auto 4,Wanking,Command and Conquer Red Alert 3|
Weclome to Cerveza or the Socialist Republic of Cerveza Thats partially A Democracy or SROCTPAD for short is the insanely wonderful country known to man,machine,and half-human cyborgs. its a place where The Universe wishes never existed.After failed attempts to put Humanity, The Universe,and all of existence out of its misery only made SROCTPAD stronger.Cerveza is a war-torn corrupted country not even U.N excepts its admission to join them.Although Cerveza is not a First world country and has a pretty low budget they recently discovered Cervasium which has the power to create just about anything you want.The Insanity of this country is unremarkable it makes Gary Busey look sane.Riots and gunfire are the music of the streets some Famous rappers even use them as a beat for there music.If Cerveza was a person it would be your lonely friend who always gets in trouble but finds to time to enjoy the little things in life.like your friend Cerveza has no allies,enemies,or frienamies even in wartime.The people of Cerveza are described has oppressed,poor (Except for the richer Nolax citizens),and generally unhappy with their way of living in a world full of Opportunities,free education,and inexpensive Health services ,but Cervasians love their little country more than a fat chick likes chocolate cake.Scroll down to read about a country all about Corruption,War,and strangely similar American themes.
edit Historical Stuff
Old school SROCTPAD was created by a small nomadic tribe called the Cervezalites who traveled between Europe and Asia in search of ripe crops to make "beer" hence the name Cerveza which is spanish for something.These settlers found a fertile ground and set up shop harvesting the "Buzz" which they believed upon consumption they would reach a god-like trance and would give them an eternal erection.The Cervezalites living in their own personal promised land of Cerveza and reached a technological advance similar to that of the 22nd century until they created a mixture of Tequila,Vodka,water,and Whiskey called "The Brain cell holocaust " which furthered retardify the country until the late 1990s.The first ever recorded game of Beer pong was found in Cerveza near Matix city which further explains how Beer pong was rediscovered in the Western world.Historians and Achaeologists believe that beer pong was accidentally discovered 5,000 years ago and was the official game of Old School Cerveza without the invention the Western world would of never existed and Oktoberfest wouldn't be so fun.2,000 years ago Cerveza found the cure for starvation was eating.Instead of keeping this new found discovery Cerveza gave the cure as a gift to Humanity and mankind cherished it until the 2000s with rapid rise of McDonalds.This was a major breakthrough in Human History and allowed the population to explode and create cities as in before 9 out of every 10 ancient humans died from starvation.
In the 1870s Cerveza was ruled by an insane Englishman named William Gravner who was blonde,old,and balding.His breath smelled like rotten milk,his hair smelled like that of a wet dying dog,and his skin was surprisingly not filthy.He became ruler when he accidentally sat on the king of Cerveza's throne because he mistaken it for a toilet and when king Vincent returned to his throne he shouted at William and after a long argument he throwed his crown on the floor and stomped on it until it resembled his country.William Gravner now king would forever be acne scar in the face of Cerveza has he was incredibly retarded and insane as he would make citizens gossip about famous celebrities and royal figures of the time and give it to various literal" Chatrooms " of the time such as Ye olde TMZ.William Gravner even sold some of his royal family members to prostitution and sex trading ,he sold his son to a pedophile for $200 dollars to buy a two-legged horse that was semi-retarded.William Gravner had unusual cravings and fetishes such as wanting to eat pancakes on the back of a asian midget or yelling at his cats naked outside on the streets.William Gravner was eventually killed in the riots of 1893 when he was driving his pet monkey side-kick Han Solo to by some clothes for him and He was hit in the face with a cannon ball,hit by stray musket rounds,and later trampled by rioters ,but he and his Monkey Han Solo where rushed to the the 19th century equivalent of a hospital where William Gravner died of AIDs he got from a his wife he picked up a few weeks ago.Former King Vincent who was standing by the royal palace with a newspaper in hand heard of what happen to William Gravner and returned to the throne.His Monkey side-kick Han Solo wrote a book about there friendship called "Friends with benefits by Han Solo".Han Solo would later help discover the Thoery of Banana Relativity.King Vincent burned down the Kings Master Room in the royal palace because he found out that William slept naked.
edit Wildlife and Geography
SROCTPAD has has a fairly diverse range of ecosystems ,but majority of it is bombed out wastelands. The tallest mountain in SROCTPAD is Mt. Apulaca which has towers at a staggering 15ft.In 1955 a explorer "Kaltek Azerty" climbed Mt .Apulaca making him the first man to climb the mountain and reach the peak alive through it would be a bitter sweet victory as he sacrificed his asian friend "Kyoto Hondacivic" and had to amputate his left foot.The Vostok lake which runs through many of the towns and farms and is the the site of the first hangover in Human History.The Northern Cervasian forest houses the infamous Tequila Tree and is the site of the infamous 1984 Minerova Nuclear Disaster which has caused the local forest flora into flesh-eating monsters.The main ecosystem is the Arid deserts and is known for its various militia outposts and roaming Land Pirates that raid lost RVs and.The Deserts where made popular when Bear Grylls traveled through it surviving off urine and fighting Land Pirates at the same time.An area around the Kazakastani-Cervasian border called the Land of the lost an arid desert of which roving Land Pirates and vicious animals.Bear Grylls officially mapped the Land of the Lost area on the back of used napkin from KFC.Majority of the Cervasian landscape is barren wasteland from the The Great War and contains remnants of the once prominent Forests that once stood there ,but life continues to live on in the wastelands of Cerveza.
SROCTPAD has some of the most unique wildlife on the planet.In the Northern region are the spawning grounds for the strange Deathfrom Abovius or Flying Scorpion.There are three types of Bears that live in Cerveza the Brown bear,The Blue Bear,and The Gummi Bear.The Gummi Bear is currently on the endangered species list as its being eaten to extinction by the local populace.Another creature who's called the Snooki (latin: Filthy whore which means Filthy whore) has been recently sighted in the flesh-eating forest with camera crews as its been 2 years since the last New Jersian went extinct.Scientist believe they might be able to bring the New Jersian back with some thirteen-year olds.Cerveza national animal is the Landshark who's only known survivor is Bear Grylls.The Arid desert is home to the ferocious man-eating turtle which has a top speed of 5 inches per hour and has only killed two people since it was discovered in the year 1799.
The local sasquatch population have been protesting for equal rights.Premier Niko Bellic adressed the sasquatch people on Capital tower that he will add a perk to allow sasquatchs to roam free and abolish sasquatch-only districts.The sasquatchs have been waiting for years to be accepted into society ever since Dr Martin Yeti King first said his speech on capital tower over twenty years ago.
The many climates of SROCTPAD is slightly different for example instead of scorching summer heats its scorching winters.In some parts of the country the sun will be up and its still dark.This is called blood night or " Death " in the native language as small flying carnivorous scorpions attack anything that stupid enough to move in the dark such as You.There are five different seasons Winter,Summer,Jump,Jim Carrey,and Spring 2.0.
Summer starts in April 1st and ends whenever it feels like ending.Summer is the time to put on flip-flops and head to the beaches in other countries ,but over here its a different story.The heat is so intense it will melt solid 100mm LED bricks!Turning it into a popular snack called Lead cream.Flying tigers usually mate around this season because the heat really gets things on.
Winter starts in ? and ends in Columbus day.No one knows for sure how Winter starts not even Scientist.Some radicals say that the Earth spins in an elliptical orbit and when its farthest from the sun winter starts.Although Main stream Cervasian science refuses to except this theory and so they came up with an idea that cold stuff appears from the sky and lands on the earth causing winter.
The Total opposite of Fall.Leaves turn greener and head back inside because Jim Carrey is going to replace the sun!
edit Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey replaces the sun and makes hilarious facial expressions and looks retarded.
edit Spring 2.0
Unlike the pansy little spring western cultures is used too.This spring is like a action movie!. Terminators bloom,Jesus finally updates his facebook page after a week,and automatic machine guns blossom.Spring 2.0 begins when The Expendables 2 comes out and ends on Chuck Norris's birthday.Note:if you planning on visiting the country during spring be warned its like Compton during the 1990s.
Despite all this all this SROCTPAD as the lowest death rate of any country.
edit Government and Politics
The Government is simple.One person is the leader and three other people are elected to make sure he does what he is suppose to do like bring the country into economic collapse and being a corrupted politic.The Cervasian government is split into mainly three branches The Legends branch,The Blue Sharks branch,and the Incredibly cool Mr.Slick Branch each one handles a certain task too complicated for human minds and they spend years of studying to join.The Legends party focuses on the economy good,The Blue Sharks are tasked with maintaining the army and making sure China doesn't do anything fishy,and the Incredibly Cool Mr.Slick branch is there for anybody who feels cool and Incredibly slick.Since its too complicated for human minds most of the politics are sentient computers.As of right now The leader is Niko Bellic who at any moment could get bat fuck insane and launch nukes at us.
In order to become Premier candidates must enter the show called Cerveza's Next Top Premier where voters will decided who will become SOCTPADs newest Premier for 6 years.20 Candidates go through rigorous tests and courses like the nuclear war simulation,Terrorist attack and reading a book at a kindergarten class during a Russian Invasion.Once 3 candidates are left its sudden death as they are bombarded by mocked-up media coverage and vae to create a campaign to persuade voters to voter for them and once the votes hit the ballot 3 Judges will choose the new Premier.Once elected the new Premier will help the poor,rebuild the infrastructure,and re-educate the educationless just kidding there going to by 32-private jets and the talk about the false hope of change yeah Obama Im talking to you!
Foriegn Foreign Policy
Cerveza has a simple take No for an answer policy." If all the cool countries do it then we should" just like you when you where in Middle school.Unlike you Cerveza has a secret Foreign Policy to make sure there is no cool countries to begin with!Cerveza although is a small country has been secretly running the world since 1939.WW2,The Cold War,the JFK assassination,Lady Gaga,The PSN shutdown of 2011,and even OMG/LOL/STFU/GTFO/BAMF/WTF has all been caused by SROCTPAD.Its because Cerveza has been living a double life secretly as the Illuminati like you with your furry friends they control the world by seeming making the world look like a bleak dystopia or starting a spark on gasoline to further raise false awareness and stupid protests.Example was there really WMDs in Iraq or is American Idol only popular with Simon Cowell what about Global Warming and how you bought a Prius......did it help stop global warming.
Perks are given to citizens when they achieve a rank of lvl 5 and serve the purpose of granting certain freedoms and abilities to there users.Perks range from Voting,Free Speech,Freedom of religion,and the ability to get away with murder.Perks can be upgraded for Pro Perks which grant there users extended abilities for example Voting rights which allows you to vote for government officials and when upgraded they can now be invisible on radar or thermal scopes.
edit Space Agency and NASA
The Cervasian government as recently funded a space agency in hopes of being the first country to set foot on The Sun after they that heard China was going to do the same thing.The Space Agency has many projects that amaze many generations of Cervasians young and old.From the early days of the space race to modern age Cerveza was always known for reaching high with such low budget such as "Project:Zeus which required a large sum of tax payer money to put 5 M-80s (and a backup just in case) on a Toy rocket from the Target with a video phone in hopes that it launch them to Jupiter.Luckily the project was a huge success and now its a symbol of Cervasian might until it crashed on a orphanage killing 18 people.Another organization was formed called NASA was launched on March 13th, 2003 at the height of the American war between SROCTPAD and the US.NASA stands for National Association ofSecret Assassins in hopes of combating Terrorist leader Donald Trump who wants to turn the whole world into one giant America called The United States of Earth (USE).
Do you remember that time in Middle school you and your chubby friend created a language so you guys look at dirty magazines well thats how Cerveza's language formed.Cervasian language has a mixture of alphabet and symbols to pronouce words and sentences to communicate with other people.Each letter was invented with a purpose of translating a vocal noise into a written word in order to communicate with people until 2009 when everything became voice-activated.Common Cervasian words where design to represent common household phrases such as "Annass " which translates to " That dumbass kid/person who talks to much in school " or "oldhag " which translates to " Goddammit Grandma drink your Prune Juice".These quick words are called symbols and are used for quick identification and to help shorten sentences.Letters and Symbols would be used like this" Hey would like to buy some candy from @." which means Hey would like to rob a bank and blame it on that dumbass kid who talks alot in school
The Cervasian alphabet is very different from the western alphabet and often westerners have trouble understanding the language.
- ABCDEFGHIGJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vs.
Notice how the YZ order is changed to ZY
If you ever visit Cerveza you must never Repeat never ever ever say this word in Cerveza "Hi" this word may sound innocent to you but to Cervasians it means that you'll rape there children and hide the remote tot he T.V.The word hi is actually is a symbol "Hi" which translates to the " Ill rape your children and hide the remote from you" you sick bastard.Cerveza has no concept of the letter "C" instead its just another "K" this was enforced by the ancient Cervezalites to make there country more unique and badasser a typical Cervasian sentences goes like this " Kan you kall all the katz to kum play in my kabinet" Notice how much more cooler that is then with just Cs(anything with Cerveza in it doesn't count as long as it makes a "See" sound).Naming is also different in Cerveza such as Mikekall or Karles.Another popular naming convention is replacing the lettering of the name with similar sounding letters such as ex:Alexsandr for males and ex:Alecsandra for females among the cool sounding first names Cervasians have badass surnames such as Bornsteller,Prospektor,Jakovs,or Deathmaster562.(Notice Cervasians can bend the rules and still uses C's
edit Society and Culture
Cervasian Society is often described as being somewhere between 1984 and Idiocracy as it has an iron fist over its citizens ,because people who think for themselves are bad for a perfect society. Cerveza is known for its heavy drinking obviously as they produce thousands of gallons of Cerveza a very popular Cervasian adult/child beverage that is sweeping the nation. Cerveza is made from the finest ingredients on Earth , 50% sewer water,30% lard,and 20% rubbing alcohol . Cerveza (the drink) has kept its same ingredients ever since the first Cervezalites set foot on there great nation.Premier Minerva who was visiting the wonderful country of America where she compared it to American made beer where she described it as " watery" and "greasy".America officially listed the Republic of Cerveza has a member of the Axis of Evil.
Cerveza has some of the coolest Sports such as the annual Running of the Tigers.Cerveza stoled it from Spain and made it cooler by strapping all the bystanders with fresh steak and releasing Tigers who haven't ate in two days into the public in honor of St.J Knoxville who attempted to defy the Oppresive Eastern Cervezalite Government and was punished by getting chased by hungry tigers through the streets of Nolax city for reasons unknown he survived the Tigers and installed fear into his enemies and from that day on thousands of Cervasians would attempt this incredible feat.Among the many cool things Cerveza does nothing more brings so many tourists and hipsters to one place on 7 days of pure partying,drinking,and accidental virginity-losing its called Roktobey Fest.The holiday celebrates the death of King William Gravner.SROCTPAD keeping its military tradition has allowed on and off duty armed military units in the streets because who wouldn't want to see tanks run over your annoying neighbors brand new car.Its also very respectful if you allow soldiers to live in your house and tell stories of war without the old age something every little kid dreams about plus it would make toy army battles a lot cooler with the real explosives.
Cervasian cars have the steering wheel on the left backseat because Europe already took the right front seat and how they see the road is a mystery.Unlike other Middle Eastern countries who laugh at the idea of female rights SROCTPAD allows women to be like women from the West with the Equal Rights Perk and when upgraded to Equal Rights Pro women will be eligible to run for premier.In Oppressive Cerveza "PROPAGANDA READS YOU!" yes SROCTPAD employs its own form of propaganda that blast the Human mind with subliminal messages .A single poster can manipulate any person regardless of there Intelligence levels ,but unlike 1940's era dystopia's Cervasian Propaganda is very powerful if you look to your lower right you will see a piece of propaganda that will force you to join whatever the hell that is.
The early Cervasians have mastered the art of television and it is considered holy or godlike to watch T.V.It states in the holy Cervasian bible that God created the T.V because he ws bored ,but since angels suck at acting he created the first humans and starred them in a reality T.V show called Adam and Eve The show was canceled on its tenth season when actress Eve was found pregnant with the entire human race.A very popular Cervasian animated show called "Family Man" its about a middle-class Freedom City family it features absolutely no plot and replaces it with random sequences of cut aways.
edit Individualism+Cerveza= Lots of laughs
Individualism is probably the funniest thing to say in SROCTPAD along with Capitalism,Freedom,and Intellectuals.These intellectuals are shunned in Cervasian society to the point where the Government didn't even recognize them as people.Individualism has been declared a threat to society and the Cervasians declared holy jihad against them anybody who wants to express themselves are evil and arrested North Korean Style.One of the most melancholy place on earth isn't it not?
edit Technology and Transport
Cerveza is well-known for having advance technology in the world that surpass even Japan,but this would all be nothing without the discovery of Novanium a pure energy crystal found largely in the Republic of Cerveza without Novanium Cerveza would still be the war torn,poverty stricken,and its children would be profit for the International Child Fund ,but since Cerveza already has all those things it doesn't really matter.One great technological advance was the Incredibly Expensive Mega Madron Collider which runs through the Cerveza-Uzbekistani border it fires atoms 300 times the speed of light for some reason because scientist need large things.Since its creation the IEMHC has found the "Allah particle" which does absolutely nothing and has no purpose in the universe .Cerveza with all its glory had switched to Novanium-fueled cars in the early 1990's bringing about a New era of pollution-free air and decided to give this gift to the rest of the world to spend its profits on a stronger military
The Republic of Cerveza has a trans-National highway that runs through the nation in means of transporting goods and product.Its a very dangerous highway that was built in the 1920s and if the rode doesn't kill the land Pirates will.The City of Novorobrisk recently added a railroad tracks that will connect the poorer southern border to the richer Eastern Border in hopes it would get more tourism. Kalingrad has been reconnected with the rest of the country when Government officials accidently forgot about in the Great Party of 2005.The Cervasian government has allowed free emigration between the to states in order to boost up tourism.the Trans-National Highway is commonly used by truckers as quick route to access to the entire country and because of the poor-infrastructure of the road results in a massive collapse of economy such as The great Straw Shortage of 1972 or The Second diner sugar depression thousands of Ice Teas where left unsugered oh the humanity.
Living in Cerveza is horrible for many cervasian citizens who are constantly warding off rebel groups,proverty,and a government with a leash so tight it could be consider foreplay.basic human needs such as daily dosages of X-box live gameplay and Mountain Dew are rare.Some districts even began using<slash> Twinkies</slash> Cream Cakes or paper with dollars signs as a new form of currency because real money is a rare commodity in those regions.
Many Resistance groups exist within SROCTPAD and many of these groups fight for the right to attend public pools all-year long instead of the usual summer-only attendance.Cervasians without the Free will Perk are the lowest members of Cervasian society and are often persecuted and watched by the government ,because you never know when some random guy decides to makes fun of your Glorious Premier of the Brotherland.Propaganda is very important part of Cervasian life.School children are often design the propaganda during school where they sell it to the Government and there family will get the "Slightly-free will perk".
Unfortunately the government banned the Internet from Cerveza deeming it "Morally wrong" and "Internet Memes are only funny for a couple of days" and banned eveything such as 5chan,Unicyclopedia,Cornhub,and Fecebook aurprisingly not youtube.A group of hippy Collage students who will do anything for attention protested outside of Nolax City Resistance Collage when government officials where visiting for the annual cheerleader competitions ,but was dealt with swiftly when three divisions of Tanks blasted them to kingdom come because Premier Bellics life was endangered.The Media was outraged when they heard what happened but couldn't do anything because they enjoy living.A few months later a couple of Teens protested (seriously kids have nothing else to do) outside of Capital Tower and where never seen again.A few years later a 13 collage "kids" where arrested and sentenced with capital punishment for showing some teachers a thing called "Facebook" ,but only 6 of them where arrested for not having the "Internet Perk" or Get-Out-of-Jail perk.The Cervasian government came out the closet and said "Well frankly we just don't care and we don't negotiate with terrorists. "
edit 2009 Vegan Explosion
The Republic of Cerveza has always been an meat-eating country and will always be until Humanity reaches God level and rules over primitive aliens like some Tyrant God.Back to the 21st century a large amount of Vegans immigrated from Wherethefuckistan and set up shop.Cervasian Officials where so kindly to greet and let the little leaf eaters stay for a while until they get back on there feet.Until they overstayed there welcome of five years like your Uncle Philip.The Cervasian Meat Industry was impacted and was losing valuable costumers so they placed Vegan friendly items on there menus.Sadly Poison Ivy and hemp leafs don't count has salad.With the threat of extinction the Meat Industries greatest minds came up with an idea called Operation:Go Brown.Every shipping company would send green dyed pieces of meat products to Vegan food companies such as Kentucky Fried Celery.The plan worked for five weeks until someone accidentally washed a piece of the green meat and realized it was bacon and all hell broke loose.Riots raged from every city center and overwhelmed the local law enforcement and they called in the Cervasian International Guard and used excessive force.The Government ordered all Meat Loving citizens to thrash all the Vegan food chains in Cerveza.The Riot lasted for about a week.The Cervasian Government even set curfews for any drinking soy milk after 6:00 AM.Then one day the Vegans organized and substituted The Cervasians as genocidal Nazies who need to be exterminated.they faked images of cervasians mutilating cattle and eating over-sized burgers to PETA no not the cool PETA " People Enjoying Tasty Animals" the uncool one.Outraged PETA supplied the Vegans in cerveza with weapons of peaceful destruction.The Vegans protested outside of Capital Tower in Nolax.The Cervasian Premier Niko Bellic signed the bill and ordered all Cervasian Vegans to a relocation center called District 9.For months the Vegans lived in prosperity ,but Niko Bellic hated the Vegans with a hate that would make AM love all things.He ordered the Department of Defense to create a deterant that would cut off there fuel source..... plants and shipping companies.
Cerveza used one of the greatest military stategy in the Hisory of Mankind by using a simple Smog Cloud that they got from California to block out The Sun thus destroying their enemies food source and has a bonus it would make the vegans turn to the last food source avaliable to them....each other ,but the Vegans weren't stopped by the destruction of the sky because they used sun lamps to keep thier plant alive ,but that was only phase one of the plan.cerveza would then ordered a military blockade around the district and sent would send 15,000 troops into the District to mop up any form resistance as a final solution.They launched an all-out war against the vegans ,but since it was just a diet trend that all the stay-at home moms where doing Cerveza and the Vegans came to a truce and everybody lived peaceful.Just Kidding the Cervasian soldiers wiped them all out and dumped their bodies in a ditch.Hey at least they didn't waste any bodies.Some lions got a good meal.
The Socialist Republic of Cerveza thats Partially a Democracy has a glorious communist-capitalist mixed economy, which is fueled by scarce natural resources(except Novanium), a poorly-developed infrastructure, and high productivity of selling transformer mechandise. According to the International Money Fund database(IMFDB), the SROCTPAD. GPD of $15.01 dollars constitutes 22% of the worlds gross market at market exchange rates and over 9000% of the worlds sexual products.[Though larger than any other nation's, its national GPD was about 50% smaller at PPP in 2011 than the European Union, whose population is around 62% more hairy and gay then much of the world. The country ranks number 21st in the world in nominal GPD per capita and 1st in TDM (Team Deathmatch) when the United Nations plays Call of Duty which brings the GPD to about 5,000 more dollars if you beat Russia and United States in the same match. The Cervasian Republic dollar is the world's primary currency because its so cheaply made.The Department of Money and Defense President Eric Cartman has created a plan to increase the government salary someday.The Republic of Cerveza is the number one seller of Novanium and one day they will start WW3 and bring the West and the East to there Knees.
Eduma....Education of SROCTPAD is the
highest best in all of the world as most of the young intellectuals such as Bill Gates,Ted Turner, Jimbo Wales and Ghandi all trace there heritage to this fine country AMERI.....CERVEZA.Premier Niko Bellic even holds a national essay writing contest for children ages 1-25 and can be about anything .The winner gets a season pass to Universal Studios.
Education in Cerveza is free and requires no perks to enroll in a school.Children begin school in Kindergarten and move on to Elementary from there they skip middle School because of embarresing Puberty and then they move on too High School.If they succeed in school they can join a University such as the University of Kalifornia,New Angeles(UKNA) where they can get a degree in just about anything.Upon completion of college they will receive a rank where decide there future they can either take the blue pill and continue there lives or take the red pill and live forever in a University as a Professor once they choose there future they'll receive 3 perks of there choice for free,$23,000 bonus cash,and a brand new Lamborghini because with Cerveza anything is possible.
Many educational leaders visited SROCTPAD under the orders of the United Nations to rank the country's average IQ level.It was ranked 100th just under Texas and barely behind The Ren and Stimpy show which isn't even a country.Under the orders of Premier Bellic and Director of the Department of Education and Defense unsurprisingly Eric Cartman to meet with Chinese Reader/Perident/Emperor/CEO Jackie Chan to annually trade off students for newer and better Chinese students until the DoEaD find the source of all this retardation.Online chatrooms with Older women and individualism was the cause and where shut down by the Department of Education and Defense officials.From that day on it is now just behind France which ranks SROCTPAD at 15 after all the french are a inventive people who have made great strides in the field of science,math,and wine.Did you know that the Cervasian people have also made great-strides in science and math such as the invention of a new shape called the "Sphereangle" supposedly it can tell what the meaning of life is.
The World Health Organization and NATO met with Premier Bellic at Capital tower to give the Country more health opportunities or He well be relieved of his duty and hand it over to NATO.WHO pathologists find 30 deadly diseases such as Ebola in a sample water found at the meeting disgusted by this immediately left the country before the meeting commenced.The Department of Health and Defense President Eric Cartman stated in a memo to the president of WHO " We search our entire files and found only 1 case of Ebola and 2 cases of Aids in a man who lived in 1892.What you talking about?"Which means the Cervasian people have developed natural anti-bodies against disease.
SROCTPAD has a surprisingly free Medical insurance to all its citizens ,but can gain better medical advantages with the Life Insurance Perk.A problem with the various Hospitals is that not many Cervasians can reach it because they have to go through the various gangs and rogue police troopers ,but mostly its because nobody wants to know they got Herpes from playing in a ball pin in Chuck E. Cheese at age 35 or how they broke there leg playing Twister.SROCTPAD has created an array of quarantine and disease control such as vaccinating children at birth,isolation of Infected individuals,and advancements of medical treatments that have effectively ended the threat of diseases...just kidding they just line them up and shoot em. Cervasians are granted free Medical Insurance if their pure Cervasian-born If one immigrates or marries a Pure-blood Cervasian Do Not confuse free with Instant as joining a Medical Insurance company is like joining a cult that worships Flying Spaghetti.
The Cervasian Military is divided into 6 different groups with different agendas on how to kill.The Cervasian Marine Force which is the ground elements of the Navy and are badass,The Cervasian Navy which is the water elements of the Marine Force and keep the waters safe for Cerveza which is weird because Mainland Cerveza isn't even bordered by any oceans or lakes,The Cervasian Valiant Army they are marines who are hydrophobic,The Cervasian Air Corpswhich just fly planes around and bomb stuff,The Cervasian Urban Force Recon/Metro police which forcefully keeps the streets clean ,and The Cervasian Salvation Coast Guard which collects toys in the middle of the ocean.Military service is not voluntary, though conscription may occur in wartime through the Join or Die program when SROCTPAD starts World War 3. Cervasian forces can be rapidly deployed by the Air Corp's large fleet of transport aircraft, the Navy's eleven active aircraft carriers, and Marine expeditionary Force who can be deployed in 15 minutes or less.The military operates 867 bases and facilities abroad, and maintains forces in 25 foreign countries secretly control the inner workings of there host countries like some kind of parasite that wants total control. The extent of this global military presence has prompted some scholars to describe the Republic of Cerveza as maintaining an "Command and Conquer strategy".They use these guns.
Nah im just playing they use these:
Military recruitment is not mandatory but it is required if you want to get the Voting perk faster .It is required that all citizens male/female/and everybody else have at least 2 years of Military service.Those who choose a full-on combat duty where they are granted a body bag,a medal,or both.The Cervasian military are top notch as they defeated attacking Uzbekistani forces for controlling land that belonged to Cerveza. Cervasian troops are heavily welcomed shoot first and ask questions later. The Cervasian military as a strict code of Conduct for regulating combat in foreign countries.
- I:Thou shall scream get to choppa! when encountering a helicopter.
- II:Thou shall call in an airstrike on every mission.
- III:thou shall fire from the hip.
- IV:Thou shall have FOLLOW hovering over their head.
- V:Thou should Call the U.S when encountering light enemy forces.
- VI:Thou shall send grunts first into combat.
edit The Ten minute war
On December 31st 1999 at 6:20 A.M two armored divisions where stationed at Marzopion square near the eastern border.Two soldiers from the Second Division where playing Yo Mama jokes until one of them won with the "Yo Mama so stupid she brought a Gun to a Knife fight and lost " joke and he fired his assault rifle into the air.Since Cervasian soldiers weren't equipped with night vision the 1st Armored division interpreted it as enemy fire and they returned fire.The Second division then immediately fired back.The 1st division radioed the second division for assistance but couldn't because they where pinned down by " enemy fire ".They continued to engage each other until the 1st division requested Air strikes on the 2nd Division.Then the 2nd division requested back-up from Alpha company which had anti-air platforms.Already 3 minutes into the war 40 men died.Then the 1st division radioed High command for more troops.High command interpreted this as the mother of all wars and ordered the entire Cervasian Military even the 2nd Armored Division and Alpha company to engage hostiles which where 2nd division and Alpha company.The Cervasian Government then went defcon 3 which stands for " Almost screwed ".6 minutes into the war 950 soldiers died.Military Generals went bat fuck insane because they didn't know who was attacking so they wrote down a couple of enemies such as the Soviet Union,Iran,France,and even Aliens.Under orders from Premier Max Fightmaster who was playing space invaders at the time launched 500 Tactical War-Heads towards Alpha Centuri and Zeta Reticuli.Then 10 minutes into the war High Command carpet bombed the battle.The remaining soldiers continued to engage each other until the sun came out and notice how the bad guys had the same guns and uniform as them.Hugely confused High command investigated how the war started.it all started because 1st division wasn't even supposed to be part of the question!They where supposed be on duty the following day January 1st 2000.1st Armored Division Commander Daniel Weaver was questioned why they where stationed at Marzopion Square Cmdr Weaver stated that they where just following orders and the electronic calender which tells the officers when to go on duty malfunctioned an clearly stated that 1st division was going on duty December 32nd 1999 and Cmdr Weaver thought it meant December 31st 1999 because you know you know computers never lie.The Ten minute war cost the lives of 1,001 soldiers and any evidence that E.T exist further destroying my dreams of intergalactic battles.When the U.N asked what happened Cerveza replied with we where testing weather balloons that happened to impact 20 C-130s filled with soldiers.
edit Famous Cities
There are 250 different cities each one with its own atmosphere and people.All 250 cities look exactly like Detroit.This silly little mistake was caused by budget cuts so the Cervasian government decided on modeling there cities from the cheapest things such as Detroit and Michigan.Since we can't name them all we picked the ones you liked on the survey.
A densely crowded urban sprawl with large amounts of pollution not a place if your not into that Corrupted Corporation scheme, toxic doesn't even begin to describe the atrocities that take place there...Wal-Mart-owned public restrooms.Little is known about Pharm's early history as The Cervasian government burnt all their early records during a " Political Party ".Unlike the rest of the country Pharm as on of the highest crime rates then any other city in the entire country.Its like a Mad Max sequel except with out all the kinky bondage gear.At one point in time the Police where so desperate they built a 100ft wall around the ghetto's.To this day everyone in the ghetto believes nothing lives beyond the wall and they are the last remnants of Humankind.Pharm is known to have the highest population in Cerveza of 5,000,000 people.
edit Nolax City
Nolax is the crown jewel of SROCTPAD.Located in the State of Novan Its prestigious hotels that line the streets,beautiful sunsets even the crime tends to be classy and Goerage Clooney-ish.Nolax is the heart of Cervasian power and the symbol of Cervasian will to destroy all of the worlds super powers and to conquer the Earth LONG LIVE CERVEZA,LONG LIVE THE ALMIGHTY PREMIER,FOR THE BROTHERLAND GOOD NIGHT DETROIT.The capital of Cerveza home to some of the renowned people King Vincent,
King Gravner,King Asperger,King Ivan the Awesome,Premier Premier Minerva,Premier Max Fightmaster,Premier Bornsteller,and Premier Bellic all stayed at capital tower on 7309 Capital Ave and have medium-light security patrols gaurding the premiers masteroom nd the 15-megaton NOVAK missile codes are under his pillow, sorry did I give you to much information.The capital of SROCTPAD , this is where all the important decisions are made when the politicians aren't acting like frat boys.(P.s When a politician stands on a podium to give a speech there secretly getting a blowjob from a asian hooker.)
edit New Angeles
If watched any sci-fi movie from 1980-1997 starring Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone New Angeles looks like it.The bustling City of New Angeles is fairly new to the Cervasian game as it was established in 1989 by a rich prospector after he was banished from los Angeles for accidentally creating smog and ruining the skies of L.A for ever.Once banished the man set out to create a Los Angeles of his own design ,but since he didn't have enough money he was forced to model the city after Detroit.
edit Freedom City
Freedom city is a get rich quick city.The Russian Mob and Italian Mobs have also taking part of this motto.If you like the Russia and Italy take a walk down famous Little Russia where you could get a hand made AK-47 and some vodka or check out the local Russian hookers all for a total price of $20 dollars.If you don't like the smell of Vodka and communism check out little Italia where a handmade pizza can be yours by worlds famous pizza maker Luigi Italianstereotypa .If you don't find pizza fascinating walk down the street and you can find a wife yelling at her husband from a two-story apartment with extensive use of hand gestures.If you find these sub-human cultures not interesting you can always check out the rest of the city and all its glamor.
edit Matix city
Matix city is the Las Vegas of SROCTPAD cheap women and expensive casino's is the Matix Life.did you know if you visit Matix city today you'll recieve a free $5 coupon to stay at a world class hotel and casino penthouse for 1 night.Sadly the total income of the city is about 5,000 pennies which is like 50 dollars which is why the city only has like three enter-able buildings the rest are props.Matix city is also known for its world famous Red-Light districts.
Districts are unnamed cities or sections of the country that are too complicated to handle with peaceful and sane laws so the government blocked them from the rest of the world with a anti-escapeable wall that surrounds them.Districts 1-5 are poor,Districts 6-8 are rich,Districts 9-10 are full of aliens and Aficans well Districts 11-17 all belong to Wal-Mart.Districts are known to be favorite tourists destinations.Do note trying to move thru the areas between districts 9-17 are dangerous and it is advised you bring a large number of friends or a shotgun because Land Pirates who drive Pontiacs will chase you down and rob you of all your belongings then capture you and feed you to sand sharks for laughs.