User:TwoHalfMoonTable

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

edit Instructions to the Council of the Table

1. Thou knowest the password.

2. Do not submitest crap, or thee will be raped most forcefully.

3. Refer to us in the Third Person Always. We are one.

4. Its fuckin' case sensitive yo.

6. There is no instruction 5. Five is a heathen number. Shun it as you would your own left elbow.

7. Fishsticks, bitch.

edit The "John Waynes" of the Order

The following devoutly American actors from Winterset, Iowa, all reside upon the legendary Two Half-Moon Table. Rejoice in their bravery and fried potato sticks! (Knights was taken, dammit.)

===Sir Rabba-Dabba-Doo=== Resident Prick, know-it-all, and Jackass Commander of the Legion. Unparalleled in his skill with a TI-86 Graphing Calculator. His calculator, renowned through the land as Pegasus, has been heavily modified and sports a retractable energy sword, quad lasers, and portable microwave oven. Rabba is known to cower in combat, seeking protection from his enchanted sandals. He is mocked by the other knights, often being referred to as "Wang". Rabba invented the mousetrap trebuchet and successfully wielded it against the hordes of Mordor to protect the Table. Rabba lacks the capacity to love. He sold it in return for the promise of eternal reincarnation.

===Grand Commodore JMort=== As commander-in-chief of the Two Half-Moon Table's blossoming Navy, JMort is responsible for the enforcement of the potato tax, freedom of the seas, and the impressment of people who abused social security. Along with Grand Commodore he also holds the titles of The Baronial Sergeant-Major-General, His Regal Lordship of the Queen's Royal Navy, Rear Admiral and "That Annoying Kid". Along with his military responsibilities, he is in charge of cynicism and the general demeaning of the other table-members. Example:

Table-Member #1: So I saw this episode of South Park last night. There's this one part where Cartman is like screw you guys hahaha oh man it was so funny...

JMort: WOW, GREAT story. Seriously, you DEFINATELY didn't COMPLETELY ruin and misrepresent the joke. Congratulations.

Table-Member #1 was penalized 15 cool points


He also appeared in the interactive DVD Stranger Safety as "Rapist #16."

===Ultra-Archbishop Jessvander "Son of God" Holyfield===
Dingobaby
After God asexually divided in A.D. 1988, his other half (Jessvander) was transported via osmosis into the Fal Zone, where eye hazards are beneficial and 7 is afraid of 6 (not vice versa). Now known as the "Son of God", Jessvander became an icon at an early age, when, in the presence of the Pope, renounced bacon. His duties at the Two Half Moon Table include beating up things really hard, keeping order by using things to hit other things, driving his drag racer 900,000 miles per hour (781,560 knots) into shark-infested rumble paks for N64, and archbishop-ing. Whatever that is. Men want him and women want to be him. He, on the other hand, wants to be a dingo, so he can eat your baby. At the age of 1 million he was paralyzed from the waist down when FromTheWaistUp said, "FromTheWaistDown, fuck you. Fuck you now, and paralyze you." Although a terrible tragedy, his FromTheWaistUp and FromTheWaistDown still remain in a "friends with benefits" relationship. Amen.

edit Señor Josh "Sweepy" Bat-Tits

Josh Bat-Tits is a shadowy figure who can often been seen carousing around the Two Half Moon Table gardens, trimming hedges, reaping souls, and moving lawns. In reality, he is Sweepy Todd, The Demon Janitor of the Two Half Moon Table. Using his diabolical gardening equipment, he slits the throats of random strangers and bakes them into french fries and pudding. He extracts their souls to fuse and play Jenga with. He is exacting his revenge on the human race due to a terrible incident that happened in his past... or something. I think this one time he got a speeding ticket. Recently however, his attempts have expanded beyond simple homicide. Though usually futile, he has become known world-wide due to his more dastardly escapades. Sweepy has claimed responsibility for all of the following: The failing of Falco's G-Difuser on Corneria, That whole "plague" thing, and the rise and fall of the third reich. These days you can usually find Sweepy drudging around the Safari Zone, in search of a powerful enough HM to disrobe the Queen and take over the Two Half Moon Table.

edit Lt. Trevango "Bludgeons-a-lot" Fett

Star wars-clone army

Lt. Fett composes the six-million-man army of the Table, by himself. He is absolutely peerless in combat, capable of crushing three cars with a single eyeblink. Or maybe its cards. Whatever. Friction does not apply to Trevango, which is inconvenient when he tries to walk. Instead, he wills the earth to move beneath him. Lt. Fett betrayed the Ninjedi, earning the nickname Lightsaberproof. Fett would like to take this time to acknowledge everyone who made this nickname posssible: The Academy, Mr. T, Sir Mixalot, and Franklin Delano Roosterpelt.

edit Queen "Her Majesty" Manwhich

Once a prominent member of the British Empire, he was queened after aiding the Empire in the Glactic Civil War. As the only true nobility of the TwoHalfMoons, he is able to move in any direction as many spaces as he wants. However, after an encounter with the knight able to produce fries, the queen was forced to yeild copious amounts of marmalade, thus creating AIDS and beastiality simaltaniously. He resents the comments that the name of the clan is a direct reference the sagature of his bottom and blames existing with Vin Diesel.

edit Imperial Wizard and President of Space Operations Aldous Fandledore(g), PhD, MD, MBA, BA, MA, BS, ABCDEF, ARCTAN, COS

Born on the eighteenth day of the first month of the eigth year after the near assasination of some pope of some church, Aldous discovered the cure for cancer at age 4. This work was not satisfactory, so he built himself a time machine to go back in time to prevent the birth of all people whose initials were KD. Unfortunately, he overlooked the fact that time travel was not possible, so he wound up sending the cure for cancer way off into the future to be discovered by a robotic peasant named Victropoltron. Currently, Aldous is proving that a certain Senor Josh Bat-Tits doesn't exist. Results are expected within the next few months.


edit Sign here other John Waynes, Sign here.

Personal tools
projects