User:TwinCin/UnNews:Kapitol Claims Miami
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TwinCin/UnNews:Kapitol Claims Miami
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 09:45:UTC)(
7 June 2012
The Kollective Kaptainskye Kapitol, which has been trying for the last month to lay siege to the city of Miami, has finally achieved its goal.
The city, which had previously been controlled by Geoff's Gang, another prominent world domination organization, had long been a target of the Kapitol. Many rumors have claimed that Miami was actually harboring a secret plan of the Gang to invade and destroy the Kapitol's top-secret headquarters on the Isle of Air, Scotland. Whether these rumors were, in fact, true, it did not matter. The Kapitol's leaders quickly agreed that the best way to deal with the problem would be to wipe the city off the map.
For the last month, the Kapitol's armies had been storming Miami, often chanting or making strange ghostly sounds just to freak out the locals. However, because of the city's high walls, they were never able to enter the city. Only yesterday was the Kapitol able to finally solve the problem. They were able to have seven MOABs moved in for the destruction of the wall. After using the powerful bombs, the wall (as well as the larger half of the city) was completely destroyed, allowing the Kapitol to march into Miami.
It has been confirmed that after the last few bronies in Miami are scrounged up and lynched, the Kollective Kaptainskye Kapitol's next target will be Austin, Texas. Seventeen armed tanks, three fighter jets, and hundreds of military troops are already on their way to Texas to protect what is now one of America's few cities not controlled by the Kapitol.