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“I have dibs on this article.”
~ Me on writing this article

Dibs (singular - "dib") is a sacred oath - of which the penalty for violation is payed directly to the devil himself (with your life). Once, a guy at an outdoor bar in Tulsa called dibs on the seat closest to the space heater. While he made a stop at the restroom first, his friend, one Federico Juarez, took his spot. Upon his return, Juarez was gone, but in his place there was a note which read:

“No worries, your friend is mine now.”

edit The Rules of Dibs


The rules are quite simple. In fact, if you are referring to this article as your first reference to the holy practice of dibs, then quite frankly I'm surprised you've made it this far in your life without being taken by the dark master.

edit Basic Rules

The most basic rule is that calling "dibs" on something means it is literally, legally, physically, and metaphysically yours until you are finished using it. You might as well have given birth to it, as far as Satan is concerned. If you knowingly usurp someone else's dibbed property, you generally have three seconds to live before Hell swallows you right up, so use your time wisely. If you unknowingly usurp someone else's dibbed property, consider yourself lucky; you are eligible for mercy. Once you have been made aware of the dib, you must immediately surrender whatever was dibbed to the dibber. However, if you are made aware of someone else's dib and you refuse to surrender it, may God have mercy upon your soul. Also, if you have placed dibs on something and somebody usurps your dibbed item, you do not have the right to harm them. The Devil will swiftly collect his toll and does not need your mortal interference.

edit Time Restraints

If you have placed dibs on something and you leave it unattended for over 30 minutes, your dib is voided unless other arrangements are agreed upon (exceptions: desk assignments at school [good for one year], bunk beds at camp [good for duration of camp], other long-term reservations).

edit History of Dibs

First, the Universe was like, "I call dibs on all of this matter." As a result, we all belong to the universe (so watch what you say about it - he doesn't like being called "vast"). After forming into a planet, the matter was like, "I call dibs on life in this galaxy." And then life was like, "I call dibs on plants and animals." The animals were like, "We got dibs on monkeys." The monkeys were like, "I got dibs on being smart." The smart monkeys were like, "I call dibs on being self-aware and communicative and learning how to do new things and evolve into a civilized society." And so on.

An important event in Dibs was when the Roman Empire called dibs on, like, the whole world for over a thousand years. Also, being King of the Jews, Jesus had dibs on the Jews. But that didn't end well at all. Or did it? At any rate, almost two millennia later, European colonizers called dibs on North America even though the natives had had dibs on it for centuries. This is the single recorded instance of a dibs violation going totally unpunished, and continues to be to this very day.

edit 20th & 21st Century Dibs

In 1969, America called dibs on the Moon. Neil Armstrong was recorded to have said, "This is one small dibs for man, but one giant dibs for mankind." In response, Russia soon followed up by calling dibs on a geo-orbital space station. Then, beginning in the late 20th century, the rock group Radiohead obtain dibs on being overrated. Numerous attempts have been made to catch them in a weak moment - there are musicians practically everywhere trying to take the dibs that Radiohead so solidly initiated. A few years ago, an English fellow named James Blunt nearly swiped them of it, but Radiohead retaliated with some extra doses of mediocrity mixed with hype, and they remain the most overrated to this very day. Nicolas Cage currently has dibs on being in insane, terrible movies. For a time, there was a legal dibs battle over these insane, terrible movies between Cage and Tyler Perry. The Supreme Court eventually settled the matter by declaring Cage's movies a whole different brand of crappy, insane, terrible movies from Perry's, thus both parties' dibs would be recognized by the court as two separate dibs.

edit Specialized versions of Dibs

  • Shotgun - The process of calling dibs on the front passenger seat of a car. Rule violations punishable by buckshot to the face.
  • Spitting on food (you disgusting prick) - If you're one of those people who ensures that they get a certain piece of food by licking it or spitting on it: fine, sure, yeah, you can have it, but also fuck you!
  • Dibs via babymaking - Women and men have been known to call dibs on one another through impregnation. This version of dibs is dead-goddamn-serious and lasts for at least 18 years.
  • Breaking stuff - You break it, you buy it.
  • Joining the military - Upon joining any branch of the military, you have approved the transfer of dibs on your own ass over to the government.
  • Pimps - It's simple. Pimps got dibs on dey hoes.
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