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“Snaaaaaake! It's not over yet!”
“Snake? Respond! Snake? Snaaaaaake!”
That Wacky Old Snake, or Solid Snake is this dude who is the crazy bad-ass spawn of Big Boss who has saved the world, like, a bunch of times. Solid Snake loves killing, and just might kill you. He is currently in rehabilitation, however, and probably won't.
Solid Snake smokes, a lot. That's all he needs, and he doesn't even need that. If he still has his face on, he's more than equipped.
The Chronicles of Solid Snake
Metal Gear Solid: Robot Dinosaur
Solid Snake had to go to Shadow Moses Island and make sure this giant huge big robot dinosaur with a cock laser and a huge, like, party cannon, wouldn't explode the world with nukes and being a dinosaur. It was going to be easy, but then this jerk Liquid Snake, who was actually Solid's clone twin brother got all whiny. Liquid wanted to explode the world for his dad's body (gross huh?) except his dad's body was his body, and Solid's. Yeah it's weird we'll explain that later, if we feel like it.
So Snake had to fight this inSane with a capital S and bolded 'insane' invisible robot ninja-- cleverly named "NINJA," who was secretly some S&M asshole that Solid Snake kicked the crap out of in the game before it. Snake had to get past this really hot sniper bitch, [Sniper Wolf] who had cold-resistant boobs (and was presumably a furry), this shaman who held the infinity machine gun cannonball machine, Marilyn Manson's psychic dad, an old Russian cowboy with no hand, a tank, helicopter, and like ten thousand genomically enhanced soldiers. Along the way he also poked this hot bitch Meryl, and made friends with Hal Interactive, or Comicon as his friends [imaginary] call him. Comicon smelled like pee, and invented invisibility.
During Snakes mission he is forced to take speed to steady his nerves. The effects of this drug may well be attributed to Snakes irrational and holier-than-tho behavior. Abdominal or stomach cramps or pain, changes in sexual desire or ability, false sense of well-being, headache, nausea or vomiting, problems with urination; trembling or shaking and unusual tiredness or weakness. The benefits, however, weigh more than the risk!Eventually, with the help of Frank "Shoe-Stain" Jaeger a.k.a NINJA, he kicked Metal Gear Robot Dinosaur's metal ass; successfully evading it's penis laser, missiles, Dance Dance Revolution, and machine guns. He learned that his brother was the superior clone (obviously because he survived a helicopter explosion, being exploded inside Robot Dinosaur, and falling the three million feet off Robot Dinosaur.) During Snake's escape out of Shadow Moses Island, his goddamn brother tried killing him again, only to have his shit ruined by Snake using only his face to fight. Finally, Liquid died at the hands of FoxDie: an STD he got from boning this really ugly fat goth chick, but didn't even care. Revolver Ocelot fled, successfully quintuple-crossing four different governments. They escaped and lived happily ever after.
until like 3 years later...
Arsenal Gear Raiden: Statue of Happiness
Some assholes want to confidentially limit information from getting to America, a group known as the "Patriots" or "Team England" Solid Snake (who's strain of FoxDie will kill him at a random, unknown time) and Comicon as usual kick everyones ass and handle shit quick-style. Zam!
So, anyway, this roller-blading fat-ass, a ballet-dancing bisexual, Omega Princess Fortune, and Armpit Olga decide to give Snake shit but he doesn't care, he lights a cig and watches in amusement as Raiden fights all of those tards and gets the living tar kicked out of him. A new Metal Gear "Everybody Loves Metal Gear RAYmond" is made to destroy mass-produced Metal Gear Robot Dinosaurs, but that doesn't stop Snake from pretending to get caught, breaking out of handcuffs, jumping overboard on the real Metal Gear "Arsenal Gear GEAR" and kicking Metal Gear RAYmond's metal ass.
All in the end, nothing that happened really mattered.
Everyone lost, even Comicon's sister smelled like pee, and got stabbed. Vampire-ballet-Jesus-Dude ran away on the Atlantic Ocean, Omega Princess Fortune got shot and killed by a missile, Fatman was just seriously lame, and Armpit Olga had a kid and then her brain exploded. After Snake out-swam ELMGR-piloting Revolver Ocelot -- who, this time around, had Google-crossed 76% of the population, and certain species of endangered reptiles -- Snake planted a transceiver on it, and socked him in the bonch for good measure. Then he came back to Liberty City and flash kicked Raiden. Oh, and apparently Solidus Snake (another clone-asshole) tried to do something evil, but no one paid any attention.
Metal Gear Old: Senile Belligerent Snake
Solid Snake was bored, so he took a really long nap. He woke up to a world full of war and death. His kind of world. And a nice moustache. He decided to light up a cig and killed anything that moved. And "O," they sang unified, "was it glorious."
Super Snake Clones Brawl
Solid Snake secretly enters the first Mega Smash Brothers tournament because of linked information gathered by Comicon on a new Metal Gear forcibly developed by Dr. Kirby. The host of the battle royale is a mysterious denim clad man, with a penchant for fireballs. Solid Snake must battle his most difficult opponents in hand to face combat. Using all his explosives skills and his black belt in Boss-Will-Kill, Solid Snake climbs fast through the ranks. After beating Captin "Fuckin'" Falcone and the enigmatic Link, he fights against the notorious Mario Mario, of the Mario Bruddas. Only after defeating him, can Solid Snake save Dr. Kirby and stop Metal Gear from coming to fruition.
Because nobody who is anybody knows nothing about anything in Brawl, this is all a bunch of speculative bullshit. On the battlefield, you don't always know what's going on or who's on whose side, all that matters is that you keep killing, rookie.
Nintendo Edits for a Rating E Game
Nintendo actually has edited the original game idea for Snake's equipment. In the final version, Snake sports water balloons instead of grenades. Porn magazines turn into Nintendo Powers, cigarettes turn into a lollipop, Killing Knife transforms into rolled up newspaper, Nikita converts into a Nerf Secret Shot, and Snake gives percentage-increasing neck massages instead of neck-snappings.