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Totnesmartin relaxing at home.

Totnesmartin is a rare, common animal, vegetable and mineral found only in Europe, Asia, North and South America, Oceania, Antarctica, Africa and in at least four oceans. It is hard, soft, liquid, gaseous, with a melting point several degrees lower than its freezing point.


Totnesmartin is a member of the Partridge Family, closely related to David Cassidy. Totnesmartin eats, sleeps and breathes, sometimes all at the same time. Its reproductive cycle is a BMX. Its flesh tastes of chicken, just like everything else (except chicken).


Totnesmartin is a very useful plant. It is grown as a lawn, shrubbery, orchard, plantation and weed. Totnesmartin can grow to at least one millimetre in height. The fruit tastes of chicken, just like everything else (except chicken).



When frozen, a chicken resembles the mineral chickenite.

Totnesmartin is a rock, a brick, and a gem, but only in a good light. When wet it looks like a lump. Its colour is greyish brown, pinky-red, yellowy green, browny pink, clear, opaque, dull and shiny. as a condiment, it tastes of chicken, just like everything else (except chicken)


  • The liver of a polar bear is poisonous. It tastes of chicken, just like everything else (except chicken).
  • There are 5000 species of hoverfly. They taste like chicken.
  • Viagra was discovered by scientists searching for a hair restorer. It tastes like chicken.
  • There are no public toilets in Liverpool.
  • Cairo is the largest city in Africa.

Trivia about Totnesmartin

  • Totnesmartin has at least one CD, book, sock, hair and/or brain cell.
  • Totnesmartin once walked past Jo Brand in the dark.
  • Totnesmartin saw a seagull this morning, and had a capuccino. It tasted of chicken. So did the capuccino.
  • Totnesmartin probably needs to tidy up sometime.

Popular culture

  • Totnesmartin heard something on the radio.
  • Totnesmartin once played a computer game.
  • Totnesmartin once saw a television programme in a shop window.
  • Totnesmartin read a book once.
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