User:Tompkins/mainpage

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search


Welcome to Uncyclopedia,

the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit
Imagine a world in which every single person is given free access
to the sum of all human stupidity. That's what we're doing.

Beginners Guide · The Big Five · Style · Questions · Help · Donations

Categories · Featured content · A–Z index

Today's Featured Article

Today's Featured Article - Space Shuttle Challenger

Challengercrew

The Space Shuttle Challenger (NASA Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-099) (born: 1983; died: 1986) was the largest government fireworks show ever put on, not even coinciding with Independence Day but serving as an early commemoration of Presidents Day (now "Martin Luther King's Birthday," which was not yet celebrated nationwide).

The Challenger project shows that — despite recent American history in which U.S. Presidents brazenly sacrifice military and diplomatic personnel for the sake of a safe re-election, a "theme" for a Presidency, or an inspiring media event — the tendency to treat people as expendable props went all the way back to Ronald Reagan and was not confined to defending Marines in Lebanon by sentries with unloaded weapons.

The January 28, 1986 launch of OV-099 (which had a number of its own: STS-51-L) was no ordinary space launch. For one thing, a schoolteacher was going to be on board. For another thing, President Ronald Reagan was going to telephone the astronauts with a greeting. Reagan would make carefully scripted remarks demonstrating his commitment to Public Education despite slashing funds because of that silly "It's not in the Constitution" preoccupation of his. The launch was a perfect example of what Americans would now call Homeland Security. It had to go forward despite pesky obstacles, such as the fact that the bitter cold temperature on January 28 would normally call for the launch to be aborted. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Battle of Bosworth

Richardthird01

The Battle of Bosworth (22nd August 1485) is classified as the last ruckus in the War of the Roses. It saw King Richard III slain on the battlefield and his successor Henry VII proclaimed king by a patriotic army of mercenaries, Welshmen, Frenchmen, felons, traitors and turncoats. The battle was so famous that years later no one could remember exactly what happened, where it had been fought or whether it had been a good idea after all.

England in the 15th century had gone through a long struggle between rival groups of aristocrats who had nothing better to do but to argue about the colour of roses. Some said the red rose (of England) was more noble but others said white was purer. After some polite discussions, leading on to debates and finally fights - the issue had appeared to have been resolved when King Edward IV killed his rivals in 1471. The Whites or the 'Yorkists' won whilst the Reds (the Lancastrians) were broken and left only an itinerant Welshman called Henry 'Dai' Tudor as their standard bearer. Since there was a price on his head, Henry moved to a caravan park in Brittany where he lived with his uncle Sir Jasper Tudor ('Do Not Touch Me'). Jasper was also Welsh and a creep.

That should have been that for the Lancastrians but in 1483 Edward IV died whilst trying to row off his excess body fat in a fishing expedition. His son Edward became King Edward V but needed to have his fancy dress day out (a coronation) to be 'King in the eyes of God'. But Edward was still in short tights so a regent was required or 'protector' as the title was then called. (more...)

On this day...
March 1: National Grue Day
  • 64000000 BC - Gruegasauri roam the plains waiting for unsuspecting tourists.
  • 32 - Jesus gets eaten by a Grue. He then comes back from the dead, only to be eaten by another Grue.
  • 1349 - Jack the Ripper's antique collection of Mongolian archers features in Forbes Magazine. This, according to Tony Blair, "does not compute".
  • 1632 Gruel is invented by the Grues of London to morph English Orphans into Grues after long periods of eating it. This plot might have worked, since after 1692, all British Orphans disappeared.
  • 1777 - The last remnants of the British army are eaten by a Grue.
  • 1823 - Vin Diesel eats a Grue, and slowly morphs into one.
  • 1951 - Hitler develops the concept of luring Grues into attacking foes, thus allowing him to win World War 2.
  • 1985 - Landmark decision in Some v. Pestilence: Court rules a person eaten by a Grue cannot be held legally responsible for death or injury related to ingestion.
  • 1987 - Danny DeVito becomes the first human - grue transplant recipient after a hunting accident involving two midgets and a circus elephant.
  • 1995 - Grues destroy Constantinople, rebuild it as Istanbul.
  • 1997 - Scientists develop Grue-proof armor, and promptly get eaten by Eurgs.
  • 1999 - Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a grue onstage, is promptly ignored as just another geek sideshow act.
  • 2001 Joe Bob manages to slay a Grue, and is seconds later crushed by a falling rock.
  • 2005 - Wales defeat the Grues 11-9 in a massive Six Nations Rugby upset. Unfortunately, the Welsh side are shortly after eaten by said Grues.
  • 2006 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue' fever sweeps the nation.
  • 2006 A grue creates uncyclopedia account. Then eats the account.
  • 2007 - Another group of scientists develop armour that is both grue-proof and eurg-proof, so the universe implodes.
  • 2009 - George W. Bush declared Grues to be "weapons of mass destruction".
  • 2045 - The Dominant species of the planets are Grues, humans build big oven to cool humans for the feast of the Grues.
  • AD 2101 - War was beginning. CATS battles the grues for control of the earth. The legendary Build-a-grue workshop opens during this time period.
  • 2147- The grues are finally defeated- only to be replaced by the eurgs who then recreate grues to balance themselves.
Word of the Day
Ash Wednesday
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power.
In the news


Orbital00.jpg




UnNews – Need advice? Ask Cthulhu!

Did you know...
*...that compromise is a great diplomatic tool?
    • ...although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
Today's featured picture
Nojesus

Something seems to be missing, but everyone is too stoned to care.

Image Credit: Volte
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images


Archive - Nominate new image
Recent Articles

Independent film | Jeb Bush (rw) | William F. Buckley | Sens. Warren/Ayotte/Brown | Greggs (rw) | Space Shuttle Challenger (rw) | Solar flares | Maurice Ravel | Dudley | Availability | UnDebate:Should women rap? | Banh Shop | Worst bumper stickers | Firesheep | Lava lamp | Ebola | Brick (rw) | Chess | Food (rw) | Please unblock me | My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection | Essex | Caliphate | Office etiquette (rw) | Barcelona | Antigonish, N.S. | Navelism | Cutter® (rw) | Rutherford B. Hayes | Netflix | Pink slime | Battle of Bosworth


More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about...

Writer and Noob of the Month
Wotm

Oh great....another award for Todd.....(mutters darkly)....lets all be pleased for him.....(mumble, mumble)..... It's a bird! It's a plane! It's....Todd Lyons! Blasting through his competition, Todd sails to the lead with Richard M. Stallman at his right and OCD in his head. ToddBot2000 by day and Article Mastermind by night, his genius speaks for itself.


Noobaward

"An incomparably superior human being," the Count of Monkey Crisco is known for his excellent work and knows it. Spawning such contributions as Midget cockpunching terrorists and an Evil Cookie Monster, the Count has left an indelible bootprint on the face of Uncyclopedia, forever.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners: 2005/2006 Clock is ticking! There's only one more day to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!



Uncyclopedia's sista projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profit organization that also hosts a range of other projects.

UnNews Logo Potato (No text)red UnNews
The news source on crack
Uncyclopedia Puzzle Potato Notextred Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Pencil2 Undictionary
The ick!tionary of all things best left unsaid
Oscarred The Wilde Project
Bringing Oscar Wilde quotes to innumerable pages in Uncyclopedia.
Other areas of Uncyclopedia
  • Unhelp Desk — Attempt to obtain help on Uncyclopedia usage.
  • Village Dump — For worthless, unhelpful discussions on Uncyclopedia itself.
  • Community Portal — A page of links to pseudo-important Uncyclopedia pages that you may or may not be interested in.
Showcase newsletter Biography

Red Green

Geog1redgif Geography

Red China

Paperclip Mundane Object

Bright red paper

History History

Stormtroopers vs. Red Shirts

Phrenology Science

The Effect of Red on Human Psychosis


Uncyclopedia languages

This is the English language Uncyclopedia, started in 2005. It currently contains 30,724 articles. Uncyclopedias are also being written in many other languages:

Wikired
1dÉ
Uncyclopedia.dered
Nonsensopediared
Nonciclopedia
Inciclopediared
HeLogo.inkred
Valenciclopedia-wikired
Ανεγκυκλοπαίδεια-wikired
Hikipediared
Lenin RedSquarered
Uncapaediared

Uncyclopedia
English
Désencyclopédie
Français

Uncyclopedia.de
Deutsch
Nonsensopedia
Polski

Nonciclopedia
Italiano
Inciclopedia
Español

Eincyclopedia
עברית
Valenciclopèdia
Catalan

Ανεγκυκλοπαίδεια
Ελληνικά
Hikipedia
Suomi

Абсурдопедия
Русский
Uncapædia
Latina

Complete list · Multilingual coordination · Start a Uncyclopedia in another language

If you find Uncyclopedia or its sista projects amusing, please consider making a donation to help the victims of the War on Terra:
Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Clinjas.

Personal tools
projects