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Today's Featured Article

Today's Featured Article - Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina (born September 6, 1954) is an American corporate mogul, former candidate for U.S. Senate from California, and a Republican Party candidate for President in 2016.

The Fiorina campaign states that Fiorina is uniquely able to take on and defeat Hillary Clinton, as the two candidates would have two breasts apiece, compared to none for anyone else in the race from either major party. However, the much more popular Donald Trump states that Fiorina's face is "ridiculous" for a would-be U.S. President. "Just look at it."

According to a glossy campaign brochure which "has not been approved or coordinated with any candidate or candidate's committee," and is thus due all the deference as if the Koch Brothers had signed it themselves, Fiorina was born in 1954 in Austin, Texas to Madelon Montross Jueregens and Joseph Tyree Sneed III. This would mean that she began life with a different name, although this is hardly as remarkable for a woman as it was for President Les King or Baz Soetero. The former never had to run for election (outside Grand Rapids, Michigan) and the latter had the media in the palm of his cocaine-stained hand.

What's-her-name's mother was an artist (in the same way that this author is an author) and her father was an up-and-coming law school professor who took the family around the world. Fiorina attended five different high schools, including one in Ghana, but none in Kenya and never claimed to be from any of those places, even to goose sales of an autobiography. Ultimately she graduated from a mundane high school in Durham, North Carolina. (more...)

Recently featured: Carly Fiorina

Yesterday's Featured Article - HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant

SuperFancyRestaurant

A college kid’s worst nightmare: you’re home visiting your parents, and to celebrate the occasion, they decide to take you out to some place called Le Tuyau d’Arrosage. Oh no, bro. Oh no.

This is the most important factor that will determine your survival. If you do not dress properly, you will be escorted from the establishment the minute you walk through the door. Never ever go to a high-end restaurant in a drawstring hoodie or a Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt. To strike an impression, you must dress like you are attending a funeral.

Wear a blazer and tie. Never get food or sauce on either. Khaki pants work best, but any kind with 10 or more belt loops will do. Keep this rule of thumb in mind: the more robotic your movements and actions, the better. Do not fidget or hike up your pants. Stand up like you just took a yardstick up the rectum; do not walk like you are packing heat, or just crapped your pants.

Keep a straight face or small smile. NEVER scowl, mope, or show that you don’t want to be there in any other way. Honesty counts for nothing here.

You may realize that people all around are staring at you. Disregard them; try not to think about the fact that they are staring at you, or what they are thinking. (more...)

On this day...
March 1: National Grue Day
  • 64000000 BC - Gruegasauri roam the plains waiting for unsuspecting tourists.
  • 32 - Jesus gets eaten by a Grue. He then comes back from the dead, only to be eaten by another Grue.
  • 1349 - Jack the Ripper's antique collection of Mongolian archers features in Forbes Magazine. This, according to Tony Blair, "does not compute".
  • 1632 Gruel is invented by the Grues of London to morph English Orphans into Grues after long periods of eating it. This plot might have worked, since after 1692, all British Orphans disappeared.
  • 1777 - The last remnants of the British army are eaten by a Grue.
  • 1823 - Vin Diesel eats a Grue, and slowly morphs into one.
  • 1951 - Hitler develops the concept of luring Grues into attacking foes, thus allowing him to win World War 2.
  • 1985 - Landmark decision in Some v. Pestilence: Court rules a person eaten by a Grue cannot be held legally responsible for death or injury related to ingestion.
  • 1987 - Danny DeVito becomes the first human - grue transplant recipient after a hunting accident involving two midgets and a circus elephant.
  • 1995 - Grues destroy Constantinople, rebuild it as Istanbul.
  • 1997 - Scientists develop Grue-proof armor, and promptly get eaten by Eurgs.
  • 1999 - Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a grue onstage, is promptly ignored as just another geek sideshow act.
  • 2001 Joe Bob manages to slay a Grue, and is seconds later crushed by a falling rock.
  • 2005 - Wales defeat the Grues 11-9 in a massive Six Nations Rugby upset. Unfortunately, the Welsh side are shortly after eaten by said Grues.
  • 2006 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue' fever sweeps the nation.
  • 2006 A grue creates uncyclopedia account. Then eats the account.
  • 2007 - Another group of scientists develop armour that is both grue-proof and eurg-proof, so the universe implodes.
  • 2009 - George W. Bush declared Grues to be "weapons of mass destruction".
  • 2045 - The Dominant species of the planets are Grues, humans build big oven to cool humans for the feast of the Grues.
  • AD 2101 - War was beginning. CATS battles the grues for control of the earth. The legendary Build-a-grue workshop opens during this time period.
  • 2147- The grues are finally defeated- only to be replaced by the eurgs who then recreate grues to balance themselves.
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