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Today's Featured Article

Today's Featured Article - Accountant

Adriana Lima 45

An accountant is a professional who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use World of Warcraft instead of Excel. College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.

Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing." It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to the hoop and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at McDonald's understand the value of putting the hamburger in the Styrofoam box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their bread and butter. (more...)

Yesterday's Featured Article - Making up Oscar Wilde quotes

Chaiselongue

Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula. You might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram.

I see you're interested in Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way. Step forward, my lovely assistant, Oscar.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best

He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?

Be warned in time, James, and remain, as I do, incomprehensible: to be great is to be misunderstood (more...)

On this day...
March 1: National Grue Day
  • 64000000 BC - Gruegasauri roam the plains waiting for unsuspecting tourists.
  • 32 - Jesus gets eaten by a Grue. He then comes back from the dead, only to be eaten by another Grue.
  • 1349 - Jack the Ripper's antique collection of Mongolian archers features in Forbes Magazine. This, according to Tony Blair, "does not compute".
  • 1632 Gruel is invented by the Grues of London to morph English Orphans into Grues after long periods of eating it. This plot might have worked, since after 1692, all British Orphans disappeared.
  • 1777 - The last remnants of the British army are eaten by a Grue.
  • 1823 - Vin Diesel eats a Grue, and slowly morphs into one.
  • 1951 - Hitler develops the concept of luring Grues into attacking foes, thus allowing him to win World War 2.
  • 1985 - Landmark decision in Some v. Pestilence: Court rules a person eaten by a Grue cannot be held legally responsible for death or injury related to ingestion.
  • 1987 - Danny DeVito becomes the first human - grue transplant recipient after a hunting accident involving two midgets and a circus elephant.
  • 1995 - Grues destroy Constantinople, rebuild it as Istanbul.
  • 1997 - Scientists develop Grue-proof armor, and promptly get eaten by Eurgs.
  • 1999 - Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a grue onstage, is promptly ignored as just another geek sideshow act.
  • 2001 Joe Bob manages to slay a Grue, and is seconds later crushed by a falling rock.
  • 2005 - Wales defeat the Grues 11-9 in a massive Six Nations Rugby upset. Unfortunately, the Welsh side are shortly after eaten by said Grues.
  • 2006 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue' fever sweeps the nation.
  • 2006 A grue creates uncyclopedia account. Then eats the account.
  • 2007 - Another group of scientists develop armour that is both grue-proof and eurg-proof, so the universe implodes.
  • 2009 - George W. Bush declared Grues to be "weapons of mass destruction".
  • 2045 - The Dominant species of the planets are Grues, humans build big oven to cool humans for the feast of the Grues.
  • AD 2101 - War was beginning. CATS battles the grues for control of the earth. The legendary Build-a-grue workshop opens during this time period.
  • 2147- The grues are finally defeated- only to be replaced by the eurgs who then recreate grues to balance themselves.
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