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“Hey, You should lose the part of you that makes you human and become a Scientologist like me! Y'know I once thought I needed the human part of me, but I WAS WRONG.”
“He lives in the real world, and yet, he lives in a closet.”
“I will use dianetics if you mess with me!”
“He's not playing with his own dick!”
“He just jumped off that couch!”
“Of course he did. Scientologists don't believe in psychiatry”
“ Corntrary to popular belief, Zenu did not grant him the powers to fly”
Tom "Space Cadet" Cruise is a hyperactive, American, sugar-addicted actor, beard collector, religious extremist, latent - though repressed - homosexual, defective Hello Kitty vibrator Oompa Loompah and is the first human being to accomplish the act of fitting not just his head, but his entire body, up his own ass. He is an avid follower of Murder Incorporated, trailing behind all the other freaks who are running away from him. His cell phone is rumored to be 818-426-1482. Many scientist beleve he is a member of the, long thought to be extinct, species Couchus-Jumpus Retardus, more commonly known as the Tom-Rex.
His first screen appearance was in 1983's Return of the Jedi as the beloved Ewok, Wicket. This role propelled him into a long and illustrious film career during which he amassed a fortune by playing vacuous and arrogant heterosexual pretty-boys with limited emotional range. He plays some of this role well in his off-screen life, having been an outspoken representative for everything from the mental health profession, to felching, lawsuits, and soul-stealing aliens. Proving himself to be semi-competent at several activities (such as adult diaper wearing), he also qualified for a spot on the Men's Couch-jumping Team to represent America in the 2004 Olympic Games, but unfortunately had to decline due to an unexplained anal injury originally brought about by a misleading link. However, he still remains a keen exponent of this ancient sport and has exhibited his cushiony prowess whilst hopping around the Global Publicity Circuit.
Educated by the great Elrond Hubbard himself, Cruise enjoys higher brain fluctuations than normal people. This causes him to say things without thinking, a byproduct of his ADHD, OCD and over-masturbation to pictures of the chippendales. His lack of education causes Cruise to do
stupid entertaining things, like attacking Oprah, and believing in Scientology.
This arduous part of Cruizesezes' training was later adapted into a Broadway musical featuring much fine dialogue.
edit Life in Munchkinland
“Ha ha ha! Fun sized.”
Standing at just 4'2", Cruise is the size of a common table lamp, and is often seen wearing stilettos or dangling from a string in front of the camera in order to correct the perspective when working with normal sized actors.
Tom Cruise will do anything to indulge the audience, including, but not limited to, hopping onto and dancing on the furniture in the studios of morning talk shows. His favourite couch to stomp is BillyBob, a medium-sized comfy chair available for purchase in an Ikea near you.
Tom Cruise is well known for his irrational hatred of gays and couches. He especially hates gay couches, and emphatically insists that he is not a gay couch himself. Cruise cites his public advocacy of the proposed 92nd Amendment to ban gays and couches in the USA, which was rejected by both the Serious wing of the Decepticon Party for being "too silly", and the Silly wing of the Silly Party for "insufficiently silly". News sources, however, do not confirm Cruise's account.
In 2005, he revealed his multi-disciplinary expertise on the Today Show with Matt Lauer. Cruise chided Lauer for being ignorant of Tom's true splendor and confirmed that he had "studied the history of psychiatry", making Tom Cruise a historian. Cruise called Lauer "glib" and had him desperately hunting for a Matthew-Webster dictionary. Tom Cruise is a devoted and zealous follower of Scientology claiming it is a religion. Cruise affirmed, "It is a religion. Because it is dealing with the spirit". Cruise further added, "Alcoholism, which deals with the spirit, is also a religion."
During the course of his lecture to Lauer, Cruise also revealed he doesn't believe in psychiatry. "Psychiatry is... is a pseudo science", Tom Cruise informed the audience. He also went on to make known to one and all that "there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance". He further divulged that he does not believe in dentistry, geography, gravity, dinosaurs, Lithuania, oranges, diet sodas, or any other "science". He then made the Vulcan hand gesture and pretended to be whisked away in an alien spacecraft. "Nanu-nanu."
What he does believe in, however, are past lives. Tom Cruise has stated that he believes that he is the reincarnation of William Shakespeare, thus bringing the number of people worldwide who believe they are the reincarnation of William Shakespeare to an estimated 1,423,622.
edit Hollywood Family Life
“His Eyes Looked Puppy-like, Meaning Everlasting Pleasure, Love, Excitement, And Something Else...”
Tom Cruise's second Hollywood marriage was with Australian actress Nicole Kidman. Initially, it was feared that the 30 inch height difference would pose a problem, but this was solved when Cruise cut Kidman's legs off at the knee with a rusty hacksaw. Kidman missed her shins very much and so, in 1995, they adopted them. Some harsh critics have alleged that they adopted, because Cruise could not have children, as he was a gay alien. In 2001, the couple divorced, when Kidman realised that Cruise wasn't joking when he said he believed in Scientology.
Standing at just 24 inches tall (1/2" shorter than his clitoris), Tom Cruise presently is married to trainee historian Katie Holmes, who is approximately 1,638,500 years younger than Tom. Cruise and Holmes got together when Holmes was promoting the movie "Batman Starts All Over" and Cruise was promoting "War of the Xenu Worlds". The birth of their child was strangely timed to coincide with the release of Cruise's new 2006 film, "Xenu Impossible 3". Holmes is a radiant, jaw-dropping beauty, with mesmerizing eyes and teeth with more unique directions than a compass. Holmes states "He is my man, oh yes, he is my man." Why photos always show her leaning away from Cruise remains a mystery. And she also is not gay and, although widely reported to be, is neither a robot nor a zombie. She may be possessed, but the Vatican has yet to confirm those rumors. When asked why so many people are cynical of Cruise's relationship with Katie, Cruise said "Anyone who's not happy for me, is against me. And, I'm not gay."
edit The Mom
In an exclusive straight out of the National Enquirer, Tom's mom was found to be Xenu's half-bred spawn. Yeah, you heard me right, Tom Cruise is the last descendant of Xenu! With tentacles for arms and a vibrator for a penis, he slithers around making stupid movies. In the movie The War of The Worlds he nearly got the role of the main bad guy/alien/half-bred but the director found out he was human at the last minute and decided to be the freelance terrorist who kills not only the aliens, but also mankind.
edit The Baby
Some people think that Tom Cruise had a baby, even though this has scientifically been proven to be impossible. Among the many reasons this couldn't be true, here are a few important ones.
- - He has no balls.
- - The baby isn't gay.
- - The baby doesn't worship aliens as portrayed in Scientology, so the baby is currently undergoing
brainwashing Scientology indoctrination classes Xenu-propaganda barragesnothing, nothing at all; in fact, baby Suri is undergoing a lovely 6-week vacation cruise on the Scientology-owned cruise ship.
- - Tom Cruise cannot produce sperm, as he is a female. Recently, controversial reports have shown that he received a botched vaginoplasty and presently there is a just a mass of raw flesh surrounding his pelvic region.
Some theories of the baby's origin are:
- -Xenu inseminated Katie Holmes at Tom Cruise's birthday bash at Chuckie Cheese.
- -The thetans Tom has rid his body of conglomerated into a life form inside Bon Jovi's ass
- -The baby is actually Tom's alter ego when he doesn't eat enough cookies.
- -Tom took advice from Madonna and bought the baby off eBay.
- -Tom Cruise was impregnated with the frozen semen of L. Ron Hubbard so that Tom may give birth to a vessel which will become the avatar of the reincarnated L. Ron Hubbard. Katie is just a red herring used to make the public think Tom is male.
Additionally, no one has actually seen the baby, though a handful of friends of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who are also famous Hollywood actors, have reported they've seen the baby. It's quite possible there is no baby, and these other famous Hollywood actors are also secret Scientologists who are in on the scam. Some believe that "seeing the baby" is part of a Scientologist initiation rite for celebrities that involves a anally-induced peyote vision quest.
When asked for pictures of the baby, Tom Cruise reportedly said "No way you people are going to exploit my baby! I'm going to exploit my baby and do it on my own damn time!" On Sept. 11th, 2006, in celebration of the 5th anniversery of the attack on the WTC, Tom Cruise released his first exploitation of baby Suri, a bronze cast of Suri's first bowel movement, available for 599 US dollars plus Shipping & Handling.
The baby's name is reportedly supposed to be "Suri", though it could be a Tom Cruise' coked-up attempt to pronounce curry, his favorite food.
edit Hollywood Roles
For those that think Cruise is a limited actor, we offer this insightful analysis of his range of characters:
- Risky Business - Cruise plays an entrepreneur trying to live up to the example set by his entrepreneur father and slaps other guys on the back for money.
- Top Gun - Cruise plays a Navy pilot trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy pilot father and slaps other guys on the back.
- The Color of Money - Cruise plays a pool hustler trying to live up to the example set an older father-figure pool hustler and manages to slap Paul Newman on the back.
- Cocktail - Cruise plays a bartender trying to live up to the example set by an older father-figure bartender and slaps other guys on the back.
- Rain Man - Cruise plays a man trying to live up to the example set by his autistic brother and slaps guys on the back.
- Born on the Fourth of July - Cruise plays a soldier who can't live up to the example set by his father and slaps other guys on the back.
- Days of Thunder - Cruise plays a race car driver trying to live up to the example set by his dead race car driver father and slaps other guys on the back.
- Far and Away - Cruise plays an immigrant who can't live up to the example set by his dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
- A Few Good Men - Cruise plays a Navy lawyer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Navy lawyer father and slaps other guys on the back.
- Interview with the Vampire - Cruise plays a dead guy trying to live up to the example set by his progenitors, who are like father figures, right? And, oh, he, uh, bites other guys on the back?
- Mission Impossible - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
- Jerry Maguire - Cruise plays a talent agent trying to keep a company going on started by his father and very gently slaps Cuba Gooding Jr. on the back.
- Mission Impossible 2 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
- Vanilla Sky - Cruise plays a publisher trying to live up to the example set by his dead publisher father and slaps other guys on the back.
- Minority Report - Cruise plays a futuristic cop trying to live up to the example set by his future dead father and slaps other guys on the back.
- The Last Samurai - Cruise plays an Army Officer trying to live up to the example set by his dead Army Officer father and slaps other guys on the back.
- Collateral - Cruise murders people. On the back.
- War of the Worlds- Cruise plays a devoted family man trying to live up to the example set by his father figures/tripedal death machines and slaps the shit out of the machines' backs.
- Mission Impossible 3 - Cruise plays an American Agent trying to live up to the example set by his dead father/mission and slaps other men on the back.
edit In The News
August 12, 2006. LOS ANGELES. While out for a "leisurely Sunday drive," as they called it, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes witnessed a horrible accident on a Los Angeles freeway Saturday. Thinking as quickly as they could, the couple pulled onto the shoulder and backed up for fourteen miles to reach the accident scene. Without regard for his own safety, Cruise climbed into the smoldering wreckage, desperate to reach the victims and convert them to Scientology before help arrived. One of the victims, Stephen Brown, who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose wishes were not granted, said "My wife and I got out of the car, and then we heard someone talking in some kind of weird language. That's when we found Mr. Cruise in our trunk talking to our spare tire. We managed to pull him to safety, though I can't remember why." A CHP spokesman said it was not yet known which one of the Hollywood couple was driving as Holmes is not yet old enough to drive, and Cruise cannot reach the pedals.
August 23, 2006. LOS ANGELES. Paramount Pictures and parent company, Viacom Inc., announced Wednesday that they were cutting ties with former golden boy, Tom Cruise, and his production company, Cruise/Wagner Productions. Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone explained to reporters the decision to evict Cruise arose out of a simple conflict of interest. "Simply put, Viacom has a strict policy which prohibits us from doing business with complete fuck-wads... hence the conflict." Redstone cited Cruise's public behavior as the main reason for their decision, but added, "we really never liked him, anyway." Paula Wagner, Cruise's partner, told the press, "Mr. Redstone is using his personal bias against fuck-wads as an excuse to get rid of us." Reporters were unable to reach Cruise for comment, but his family reports he has gone into a severe depression, popping Flintstones vitamins non-stop for two days and refusing to get out of bed.
November 2, 2006. LOS ANGELES. In what could be stupidest decision in Hollywood history, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer announced that actor/Scientologist/heterosexual Tom Cruise and his long-time production partner Paula Wagner will run United Artists. Cruise plans to rename the studio United Scientologists, and will make films intended to convert people to Scientology. "Being dumped by Paramount was the best thing that ever happened me", Cruise said.
- Tom Cruise was run over by a Chodemobile on his first visit to the Hollywood Boulevard.
- When Tom Cruise jumps on the couch, the couch doesn't get jumped on, the couch gets rapped.
- Chuck Norris invented all the colors of the rainbow, except pink; Tom Cruise invented pink.