User:TimmyTom/UnBooks:Still beefy: The autobiography of Beefy McManstick
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edit That introduction
My name is not important because I bet you already know it. I am Beefy McManstick, the Beefiest Beef to ever Beef the Beef on silver screen. But I don't think any of you know how my tale began. I was born at Mercy Hospital on the 5th of October at 5 am on the 21st of September, July 1971, back then my name was Jeremy Magiliguddy. My mother, who was eating barrels of grape jam at the time, was so [fat] she didn't even feel me being born, she thought I was gas, and when I shot out of her I had fallen into one of the barrels of grape jam she was eating, and if the nurse hadn't pointed me out I could have drowned, or been eaten by that fat cow. My mother was 21 years old when she gave birth to me and she was the fattest pig you have ever seen, and she remained that way until she died 2 years later form being too fat.
edit That masculine parent
My father on the other hand was a Bulldog, (which resulted in my appearance and my obsession for beef) because my mother was so fat and ugly no man could sleep with her, so she had to train a dog to do it instead. My father then raised me by himself for another 8 years before he died from eating chocolate out of the garbage. It was around this time where I got my first acting role. I was walking down sunset boulevard in Brooklyn when a really creepy guy wearing a blood splattered trench coat and briefs approached me in a dark alley way and asked me if I wanted to be on tv. Normally I would have run away from a creepy guy like that but he was offering me a role on tv so there was no way I was going to pass up an opportunity like that. I went with him back to an old, abandoned warehouse.
edit That creepy guy
It turns out the creepy guy wasn't a rapist after all, he was a talent scout who was mugged by some black guys who broke his nose and stole his $500 Italian leather pants, and the warehouse wasn't actually a warehouse, it was actually a film studio that was being built in the warehouse from the inside out. I was to be the lead in a commercial for "CHUMP" dog food, but that never happened, apparently a talking Scottish terrier was more entertaining than a dog man. I didn't get another acting job for 3 years, ironically selling hot dogs on a street corner.
edit That customer
One day a customer asked me if I wanted the lead role in a movie and without hesitation I said yes straight away. He gave me the address for a film studio and told me to be there at 10am, Monday morning. And that movie was what made me famous, Beefy McManstick’s Sausage Fest. After the great success of the movie, I legally changed my name to Beefy McManstick and never looked back. Over the next 2 years I made 4 sequels, Beefy McManstick’s Sausage Fest 2, Beefy McManstick in the great Beef Heist, Beefy McManstick the Sausage Wrangler and Beefy McManstick Raiders of the Lost Sausage. Over the next 10 years I made a total of 15 movies, 4 of which I wrote and I directed 3, and I was making 15 million dollars a month in royalties from my movies and appearing in several ads. And that’s the story so far, I am Beefy McManstick and I am Still Beefy!