Cum Dumpster

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Cum dumpster
A typical man inspecting a Jenny for herpes before depositing his wares.

A cum dumpster is a vital tool of the sperm donation industry. Though it has seen use since Victorian England, the most recent General CumDump 4.1 model, colloquially known as the Jenny, has been called "the cum dumpster to end all cum dumpsters." Most businesses use the object as catch-all storage, since the cum dumpster will accept any semen poured into it, regardless of quality, consistency, race, and most importantly, quantity. Though Jennies have nearly bottomless cum storage, some controversy has arisen out of unexpected births occurring within the dumpsters. Conveniently, all babies born within the dumpster don't need to travel far to be inevitably abandoned.

History

The General CumDump 4.1 was accidentally invented on June 21st, 1988, courtesy of LuAnne and Harold Gowannis, two pieces of white trash desperately in search of an ocean to throw themselves into. Instead, they begat the next best thing: a dumpster named Jenny. It would take a little while for Jenny to realize her true purpose in life, but she gladly accepted the mountains of white trash her parents dumped inside her daily.

At the ripe old age of 8, Jenny accepted her first donation of cum. The benefactor, her dubious uncle Stu, would mentor Jenny on the arts of cum dumpstering for three additional years before finally being incarcerated. His influence was irreversible, and at only 11 years old, the cum dumpster was officially open for business.

Structure

Cum dumpster4
Jenny's secret? Each fold of fat holds over 25 liters.

Business model

Jenny initially tried a single-server approach, collecting multiple donations a day from individual users seperately. Much like her parents, though, the concept of monogamy was too much to handle for more than a week at a time. In short time, Jenny began accepting an average of five donations a day from no less than three different sources. This, coupled with the installation of customer-titillating "Boob" modules, improved efficiency remarkably at the cost of quality control. Many customers began complaining that Jenny displayed the signs of multiple viruses during use; however, these illnesses are paradoxically seen as a sign of excellence in the cum dumpster industry, and the Jenny saw levels of activity previously unrecorded in cum dumpster history.

With a keen eye for business, Jenny's inventors encouraged the exploitation of her talents in a larger market. After a lavish remodeling of three-inch booty shorts, nine inch heels, and a comically oversized lollipop, Jenny was fully converted into a for-profit truck stop sperm bank.

Points of Entry

Any self-respecting cum dumpster has three points of entry: a tube on the top, and two holes on the front and back of the chassis; all points are suction powered to prevent spillage. The Jenny, however, has an impressive eleven points of entry for incoming sperm, putting her heads and shoulders above competing cum dumpster models, such as the Tina or Becky. Unfortunately, her suctioning apparatus was spread awfully thin due to the addition of so many extra points, frequently resulting in awkward seepage from strange places at inopportune moments.

Ecosystem

The Jenny currently boasts thirty-six different life forms living within her frame, a record high which occasionally jumps to 37 when wire hangers are in short supply. Veritably, she is an almost literal aquarium of bacterial growth, and a constant object of scrutiny in the scientific community. She functions as Patient Zero for a study conducted by Yale University on the reproductive rates of chylamidius leprosyum, a rare flesh-eating STI that calls Jenny its home.

Notable dumpees

Chad kroeger
NUR NUR NURNUR PHOTOGRAPH / HUNGERDUNGER DURNUR MAKES ME LAUGH

When one is a fully operable sperm bank since the age of 8, it's expected that one meets its fair share of notable donors over the years. Most of Jenny's clients, in particular powerful foreigners and politicians, are protected by strict confidentiality contracts and firearms, but a little cum dumpster diving performed in May 2011 has revealed a lengthy, extraordinary list of dignitaries accrued over the years. Some excerpts are given below:

Chad Kroeger

Chad Kroeger, of Nickelback fame, met the cum dumpster after a concert while looking for a place to stick his dick in, as per his usual post-concert ritual. While most people have standards and would never listen to Nickelback, let alone fuck their lead singer, Jenny had no such qualms, given that she is not a person and just an obese disposal unit for (mostly) human reproductive fluids. The dumping of cum was unimpressive and, at best, merely adequate; for the lead singer of Nickelback, it was the kind of self-validation necessary to fuel another 3 albums of misogynistic cock-rock.

Rating: Jenny didn't want her nickel back. Little sperm Little sperm Little sperm

Brucie Goldstein

Brucie Goldstein likes to brag about having Type-O sperm, but the universal donor was unable to find a willing recipient until he tripped over the cum dumpster one day behind Arby's. Normally, the only sperm bank he could afford was the generic brand packaged next to the ritzy Kleenex model in CVS, but Goldstein just picked up his first summer paycheck from the Americana roast beef eatery. Luck was on his side financially, but his overall semen output was altogether dismal, even for a Jew.

Rating: Could barely fill half of a child's yarmulke. Little sperm

Jon Voight and Nicolas Cage

After a busy day on the set of National Treasure, both actors hit Las Vegas, where they chanced upon Jenny refueling her circuits inside a Chinese opium den. The details of the night are too graphic and perverse to discuss, albeit remarkably accurate due to Cage's insistence upon hiring a stenographer, but it should be mentioned that Jon Voight is an absolute freak. After sixteen hours with the two stars, the dumpster had to retire for six months due to serious malfunctioning, the repairmen saying she may never store cum for a living again. True to form, however, she was back on the streets as soon as the skin grafts settled in. Bitch would do anything for a buck.

Rating: More semen than the casts of McHale's Navy and HMS Pinafore combined. Little sperm Little sperm Little sperm Little sperm Little sperm

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