User:The Woodburninator/Mosquitos

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edit Man bitten by mosquitoes exacts his revenge

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The results of the original attack on Prince.

April 1, 2009 10:00 PM CALLAO, Virginia -- A 21-year-old Virginia Man has fully recovered today from two particularly bad attacks from mosquitoes in Northern Virginia last summer. The first attack happened around 6:00 pm during a round of golf on the Quinton Oaks Golf Course in Callao, Virginia one Thursday last year. According to the man, Richard Prince, the attack began on the 12th green following a short shot from the nearby woods, past a small lake. "I was right in the middle of a pretty good round, and all of a sudden I noticed an itch on my back. I felt around, and there was this little bump." While this would have been enough for mere mortals to call it quits, Prince kept on going. "Look, I've been bitten by mosquitoes before, but this was something else. I've never felt a bug bite so big. I wasn't sure if it was maybe something worse, but I was shooting a pretty good round, so I wasn't going to just go home." If the vicious attacks had stopped there, Prince said he could have easily kept going. "By the time I had gotten to the 15th tee, I knew I had no chance. They were swarming me, dreadful little critters. I would swat at em, but they kept coming back. I had no choice but to call it quits."

But Richard Prince is not a man to take a thrashing like this sitting down. "Those mosquitoes thought they could get away with this without me striking back. They have another thing coming." Speaking with the convictions of a half-crazed madman, he went on. "They took something that is mine. They took my blood. I didn't tell them they could take my blood. It's mine, so I just had to go back there and get it back!" Prince planned an attack on the Quinton Oaks mosquitoes, and started his one-man vendetta just two days later. "You don't just go around biting people as you please. I mean, who does that? No, I had to go back and teach those mosquitoes some manners." Foregoing conventional methods, like pesticides, Prince decided instead to do to the mosquitoes, as they did to him. "I happen to take quite a bit of stock in the theory 'An eye for an eye.' If you bite me, I'll bite you back."

The attack began on what seemed to be one ordinary, Saturday morning on the Quinton Oaks Course. According to course owner Dean Sumner, Prince showed up around 8:00 am, just looking to play the back nine. "Yeah, I remember that guy. Normally I wouldn't let a guy play in a big yellow rubber suit, but it was early, and I was feeling generous." Prince's attack was simple in its concept, but deadly in its outcome: capture and bite every single mosquito from the 12th to 15th holes. "Look, I'm not one to stoop to their level," Prince explained later, "I just wanted my blood back." And get his blood back he did. Experts believe that over the next five hours Richard Prince exacted his revenge on no less than 1300 mosquitoes. When asked if this was satisfying, Prince told this newspaper, "Satisfying? No, I wouldn't say satisfying. I'm not sure how doing what I was doing could be satisfying for any man. I would just say I had a job to do, and I was going to do it."

Unfortunately for Prince, all is fair in love... and war. The mosquito counter-attack was swift, and painful. "Sons of Bitches gave me hepatitis!" Prince explained. "Goddamn! And that wasn't all either. I caught malaria, west nile, and two different forms of mono. I didn't even know there were two different forms of mono. I was in the hospital for something like 9 months." But now that Prince is back what are his plans? "What? You think I was going to exact revenge on them for stealing my blood, and I'm just going to be cool with them giving me malaria? I think not. Lets just say I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring all these suckers down." When asked how he was going to actually destroy the entire mosquito population of a town, Prince's answer was simple: Malaria. "They gave it to me. I'm giving it back. That disease is deadly for them too. I've already done step one, and injected myself with another strain of it. All I need to do now is allow them to get in a feeding frenzy or two on me, and its goodnight blood-suckers." Of course, Prince's plan would also, most likely, cause an uncontainable Malaria outbreak on the entire east coast of the U.S. "Well, I guess its time for the American people to understand, if you ain't with me, you're against me."

April 2, 2009 11:00 AM CALLAO, Virginia -- The Callao community is stunned to hear today that local anti-mosquito activist, Richard Prince was found dead in his home today. The police said there are no leads as of yet. "The only thing we know for sure," announced Police Sheriff Richard Alton, "is that Mr. Prince was killed just after 10:00 PM eastern time, and the murder weapon was the three iron from his set of golf clubs. As of this time, we are not sure why Mr. Prince's body was sealed in plastic, or why it seems that he had been injected with trace amounts of a new, deadly form of Malaria. I just want to say that Mr. Prince did a lot for this community during his time here, and that his murder has top priority in my precinct." This, indeed, is a tragic loss for Callao today. We send all his friends and family our best regards.

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