User:The Number-One ALF Fan/USSR
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Союз Советских Социалистических Республик
Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik
Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
|Motto: "For the last time, we are not all Russian, and we are certainly not backwards!"|
|Capital||Moskva, NOT Moscow|
|Official language(s)||Russian, Ukrainian, Belarusian, Uzbek, Kazakh, Georgian, Azerbaijani, Lithuanian, Moldovan, Latvian, Kyrgyz, Tajik, Armenian, Turkmen, Estonian|
|Government||Pathetic excuse for Democracy|
|‑ - 1922-1924||Vladimir Lenin (first)|
|‑ - 1985-1991||Mikhail Gorbachev (last)|
|National Hero(es)||Lenin, Stalin, |
|December 30, 1922|
|Currency||Vouchers for food and merchandise, redeemable at all participating state-owned stores|
|Major exports||Revolutionaries, Leftists|
|Major imports||Nothing; the mighty Soviet Union was totally self-sufficient|
|Born||December 30, 1922|
|Died||December 26, 1991|
Stalin saw to that...
“In Soviet Russia, joke overuses YOU!!”
Friends, loved ones, comrades, we gather here today to mourn the passing of a great country. The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, called the Soviet Union or the USSR by many close to it, will always be remembered fondly as a nation that, despite its shortcomings, always strived to provide a better life for its poor citizens.
It is so touching to see that even after all these years, there are still so many people who still remember how special a country the Soviet Union was. I would like to apologize to everyone for taking over 15 years to hold the funeral, but I hope you all will understand, as building a coffin large enough to contain a landmass of 22,402,200 square kilometres is no small task. And don't get me started on the hearse. But I digress.
Long a family-oriented country, the Soviet Union had many children over the years, such as East Germany and the rest of the Eastern Bloc. Despite never marrying, it always stayed faithful to its progeny, always willing to lend a helping hand, a couple of rubles, or an intercontinental ballistic missile with a nuclear warhead. The Soviet Union is survived by its 12 loving successor states, collectively known as the Commonwealth of Independent States, and 3 hating successor states in the Baltic, as well at least three illegitimate children, including the People's Republic of China, North Korea, and Cuba, its grandson Vietnam, and its great-grandson Laos.
The Soviet Union never had an easy life. Born to Vladimir Lenin and its predecessor state, the Russian Empire, as Bolshevist Russia, it grew up in a household torn by rampant fighting, arguments, and civil war. The first few years of its life were marked by a massive identity crisis as it struggled to choose between the Communism of its father and the tsarist capitalism of its ancestors. The Soviet Union eventually chose to follow its father, in large part because he offered a better dental plan. It was then that Bolshevist Russia changed its name to the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.
The end of this crisis did not mark the end of the Soviet Union's hardships, however. Less than two years after its devastating civil war, on January 21, 1924, it suffered the death of its father. This left a huge void in the Union's life, and it immediately began searching for a new father figure. Its godfather Leon Trotsky suggested a Bachelor-style competition in which the Soviet Union could make the decision itself from a group of the most eligible people. The Soviet Union and all possible contestants accepted, and the competition was held in 1927. By this point, however, Joseph Stalin had already killed or exiled all other contestants, and thus won by default.