User:The Humbled Master/Original Jesus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
For other meanings of Jesus, see Jesus.
"Step away from the others and I shall tell you the mysteries of the Kingdom. It is possible for you to reach it, but you will grieve a great deal. For someone else will replace you, in order that the twelve may again come to completion with their God. Look, you have been told everything. Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star."
- ~ Original Jesus, Gospel According to St. Judas Iscariot
(Editor's Note: Quote may not be random, may not be from Original Jesus, might not be authorized by The Official Church of Original Jesus®, its senior officials or affiliates. It also might not be a quote, or not.)
Jesus H. Caspar Christian (first name pronounced HEY-Zeus/Ιησους; plural Jesii, diminutive Jessie) was a pretty cool dude from way back in the day. While not being well-known during the time he lived, he is now considered one of the greatest men ever to live. Some even think he was THE Man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man! Unfortunately, 3.9 billion people think he was THE Fonz, and that, kids, is why you shouldn't mix cheap wine and Happy Days.
Jesus lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to crack up his buddies, chill out with prostitutes and talk about the family business, similar to Michael Corleone, though Michael Corleone did have that cool tommy gun.
Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept locked in a shed for safe keeping. Furtherstill, he was noted for many famous sayings (see: Famous sayings of Jesus) many of which were cribbed from Sanskrit.
Most accounts have summed up Jesus' life as follows:
- 1. Born
- 2. Got depressed about the whole "not knowing a woman" thing.
- 3. Decided it was okay to eat bacon. (which it wasn't until then. Apparently JC was immune to Trichinosis.)
- 4. Went off to do shit.
- 5. Prophet!
- 6. Death.
- Betwixt all this is his Glorious Resurrection, and voila!':
- 7. Christ!
(Editor's Note: The above is all true because a (holy) book says so. Don't be a Doubting Thomas, unless you are Thomas, in which case go right ahead.) While some call Jesus a saint and others call him a prophet, Jesus was clearly a bastard. It is noted quite clearly in the Bible that God and Mary were, in fact, not married.
edit Jesus' Birth
Jesus came into being under the oddest of circumstances. After several thousand years of hard work, Jesus' father God decided that massive floods and torturous plagues weren't the best ways to go about winning the hearts of his people.
The LORD suddenly realized that belief in him was dwindling, and why? Because a bunch of overbuffed, oversexed Greek gods were able to get it on, transform into animals, and keep their hair in check, while God the Father had to peer down from a throne for all eternity while his balls shrivelled up. Not such a good thing to do to your prostate gland.
All this abstinence business wasn't really having a good effect on any of his followers, either. Case in point: the Essenes, those God-forsaken hill-dwellers who made craptastic pottery to put their inane scribblings into, all the while staying pretty much away from the opposite sex. Well, Old YHWH decided that that just wasn't the kind of image he wanted to present.
He would also later claim that it was "about damn time I got laid, too."
God decided that he needed a poster boy to win over the population of the world. As God later stated in his '93 Connie Chung interview, "I needed someone who was tall, handsome, witty, and possibly preferrable."
Now came the Virgin Mary and Joseph, two strikingly thin and attractive teens who wanted nothing more than to get smashed on wine and set fire to outhouses with the Aramathean ruffians of the day. "She was a whore," quoth God. "You have no idea how surprised I was that she was a virgin. Seriously. I didn't know that you could show so much cleavage wearing a robe. Whoo!" In any case, she was the perfect mother for Christ. She had just married Joseph, her parents' smokin' hot poolboy, but for unknown reasons he had a case of the blue balls during the time of his engagement. Also, she was foxy, had sexy breasts, and a tight chest; in a word, all the requirements that God wanted for the mother of his only begotten son: to be hot. So when Mary was approached by an angel, Gabriel, she was still technically a virgin.
It is well-known that, late one night, God came to Mary in the form of a well-endowed Greek god and impregnated her. Joseph was too smashed up by cheap liquor to notice that the Holy Creator of Everything was humping his wife.
To quote God from an '86 New York Times article, "She was quite a good lay. But she was really bitchy about it in the morning. 'Mrs. God Almighty, I love the ring to it; can I call you next week? Where are you going?' and all that crap."
There was also a period in the seventies when God denied being the father of Jesus. Overheard talking to his close friends, "That was the worst thing I ever experienced. I mean, simply imagine the look on my face. She just said 'I'm pregnant', and I was like 'WTF'!?"
When Joseph found out, at first, he wanted to divorce Mary. But, then, Gabriel, the Angel of the Lord, flew down and scared the bejesus out of him, saying, "If you don't stay with that chick Mary, God will strike you down where you stand! Understood?" Joseph understood, and promptly wet himself.
For the next seven months, Joseph and Mary wandered the Middle East, doing nothing in particular (Editor's Note: see Holy Bible for details), although it is believed that Mary experimented with opium and other narcotics she received from passing blissed-out Chinamen, explaining Jesus' hippie hairdo later in life (before there even were hippies).
When it came time to deliver Jesus, Mary and Joseph found themselves passing through the little cow town of Bethlehem. With Jesus practically poking his head out like a prairie dog every twenty minutes, time was of the essence. Unfortunately, none of the innkeepers Joseph approached seemed to appreciate his time-honored method of calling men of their profession "a bunch of dirty hoes"; hence, time and again the two were booted from yet another establishment. All seemed lost, until one seemingly kind-hearted innkeeper enjoined the couple to have the child in his stables.
It is now universally recognized that the innkeeper knew full well that one of his donkeys had an excruciating case of the shits. Because of this, his status has been downgraded from Biblical hero to rascist dickhead. But that's not part of our story...
As most of the people now on Earth know, Jesus was born in a manger. The significance of this has been debated for centuries but only recently has the truth come to light: there was no significance at all. The manger, being full of hay, was more comfortable than the floor, which was covered in donkey excrement.
Jesus, often called the "Saviour of the World", was born after a long and far out labour, which was helpfully assisted by a special funky tracklist prepared especially by Joseph. After the birth, God decided that the birth of his Son needed something more, and immediately flew his angels down to scare the bejesus out of some passing shepherds, sending them all off to the stables to have a joyous (if racuous) celebration.
Although shepherds might not seem like good witnesses to the birth of God's only begotten son (what with their bad hair, tacky '70s-style clothing, and the every-present smell of sheepshit hanging around them), believe us, there were worse choices. Had Jesus been born a few minutes later, God's holy angels would have flown down to scare the bejesus out of some passing lepers, and very contagious ones, too; hence, we should all be grateful that Joseph's stereo gave out when it did: in the middle of the orchestral break for MacArthur Park.
Because of this, the birth of Jesus is known to be a joyous celebration: the angels were singing hosannas, the shepherds were present to witness the appearance of he who would one day be their king (for now; it hasn't happened yet), and Mary and Joseph looked down and gloried in the marvelous majesty that was their holy child. "Jesus Christ," Joseph proclaimed, "God is with us."
And, lo, as God looked down upon the whole affair, he muttered to himself, "Why in Heaven did I ever do her?"
edit Jesus' Popularity
As he grew up, Jesus became much liked and admired. Everybody liked Him and wanted to hang out with Him. Even the Prophet, Christopher Walken had been known to hang out with Jesus whenever he went to Las Vegas. His popularity was attributable to His highly entertaining, and often useful, "miracles", not to mention He had the dankest weed this side of the river Jordan.
Jesus' miracles were always interesting, and often had a little moral lesson that went along with them. He turned water into wine, and once when a bunch of people came to see Him and forgot to bring lunch, He whipped up an amazing Lobster Fra Diavolo con Linguine that had people talking for months. Jesus could do anything; if He wanted to, He could have turned a chariot into a Ferrari 250 Testarossa (though this would have been highly impractical, due to a shortage of petrol stations in the 1st century), a piece of wood into a Stickman Sandpiper surfboard (not so much impractical as inferior, since he had that "walking on water" trick) or 45 blind mice into the New York Yankees. (Editor's Note: Not much of a difference, we know.)
Jesus' superhero status is further reflected in his origin, the birth of a baby with a Mexican name to a woman in Judea, 1600 years before a Christian discovered Mexicans. (Editor's Note: The Mormons use this as compelling proof that Jesus did, in fact, visit the Americas. But, remember, kids, most Mormons aren't right in the head and never will be.)
If you were blind, crippled, sick or lame you could just go to Jesus, and He'd put His hands on you and heal you. That certainly made Him very popular. For this reason, Jesus' hands were in high demand back then.
According to contemporary reports, there was nothing Jesus couldn't do. He could have sung better than Freddie Mercury, He could surf pretty well, He could have driven better than Mario Andretti, He could have hit more home runs than Big Papi, and He could have baked the most incredible Alice B. Toklas brownies ever. If He had been an actor, He could have won the Oscar (Wilde) every time. However, former power hitter and voodoo houngan for the Chicago Cubs, Sammy Sosa, disagreed, and stated his opinion: "Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball."
But some people got jealous of how popular Jesus was, so they killed Him. (His infamous "I'm bigger than the Beatles" statement most likely was the straw that broke the camel's back.) Jesus, however, was just too amazing to let a little thing like death stop Him. Three days later He rose from the dead, danced around for a bit and then went back to heaven!
If Jesus was alive today (which if you take a very casual look in any South American phone book seems to be very much the case) he would control the world. Jesus would also be a Jedi and would probably party with that bad-ass mofo Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the many house flies that followed him around. These flies followed him around because of the fact that Jesus never took a bath because of his hydrophobia. When the retired Greek goddess Athena heard of this she gave him the power to walk just above the water, so that he would never actually have to touch it.
Even though Jesus hasn't appeared to have appeared openly on Earth since he was banished by Freddie Mercury in the World Trade Center battle to the death, His popularity and approval ratings remain as high as ever. However, many modern historians (and other worshippers of science) are often baffled by the amount of attention is paid to this 2,000-year-old dead Jew on a stick. But there is a consensus that it has something to do with the average person’s love of frozen popsicle treats.
Jesus is now hunted by African poachers on the Serengeti. They can sell his hands for a very high price to the Chinese who believe they contain magic powers and, when powdered and mixed with green tea, provide what the Happy Jesus Happy Powder Company of Shanghai calls "Happy Magical Jesus Manly Male Magic".
edit Jesus' Fanclub
See Article: Christianity
edit Jesus' Demise
Yeah, Jesus got pwned by the Romans. Died for your sins and all that shit. His last words are commonly said to be "Hey, I can see my house from here..."
A heretical sect believes that Jesus actually died by slipping in the tub. They are known as Lubricalians, or Pasmeurnians (coming from Latin "slippery tub" and Aramaic "to fall in a tub", respectively), and are frequently warred against by true Christians. As of 2006, they are widespread throughout the world, in a similar manner to bunny rabbits. They can be identified by the use of a small gold or silver showerhead around their necks instead of a cross; and rather than crossing themselves, they wave their arms in circles as if losing their balance, while repeating what they believe to be the Saviour's last words, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
edit Jesus' Many Names
Template:OWQ As a figure appearing again and again in classical tales and historical scripts, the name of Jesus has frequently been changed to local dialects or to reflect different aspects of society.
For more on this, see Jesus (disambiguation)
Note that Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a completely unrelated entity.
edit Jesus Loves You
- He loves you, but thank his father that he doesn't grant you eternal life. That would be harsh and unattractive: picture your grandpa at seventy, now picture him at seven-hundred...
- Loves you like a criminal loves leaving a suitcase filled with gold unattended at a New York subway station
- Jesus loves you, but he's not in love with you.
- His father, however, will take you out back and put the boots to you if you even look at Him wrong.
- Jesus loves you, but the rest of us think you're an asshole.
- Jesus doesn't really love you. He's moved on since the breakup, and you should too.
- Jesus loves you, but I'm his favourite.
- (while pulling petals of Jesus' favorite flower, the Poinsetta) - Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you not. Jesus loves you. Jesus loves you not. Jesus loves you. awwwww Jesus loves you not.
- Jesus loves you. But he also loves Star Trek. And in all fairness, Star Trek came first.
- Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so...
- Jesus loves you, but he hates Ted Kennedy. The drunkard.
- His father, however, loves the entire Kennedy family (including the Shrivers); how else could they stay in Congress for so long?
edit Jesus' Magic Powers
Jesus has many magic powers. He can turn into any shape or form that he pleases, icluding kittens. He can also kill a man just by looking at him.
But beware; Jesus' powers are so unbelievable and fantastic that it is dangerous to even know about them.
However, some did know. As recorded by the holy Gospel According to St. Phillip:
|When the Saviour appeared on earth, he performed miracles and great wonders for the salvation of humanity. And since some walked in the way of righteousness while others walked in their transgressions, the twelve disciples were called. But He took them all by stealth, for He did not appear as He was, but in the manner in which they would be able to see Him. He appeared to them all. He appeared to the great as great. He appeared to the small as small. He appeared to the angels as an angel, and to men as a man. Because of this, His word hid itself from everyone. Some indeed saw Him, thinking that they were seeing themselves, but when he appeared to His disciples in glory on the mount, he was not small. He became great, but he made the disciples great, that they might be able to see Him in His greatness.|
edit Jesus' Discography
- For the Love of Jesus (1964)
- What in the name of Jesus (1967)
- The Transformed Messiah (spoken word, 1968)
- Virgin Heart Mother (1970)
- Bigger, Longer and Better Cut than the Beatles (1970)
- I'm Jesus Christ and you're not! (1976)
- Never Mind The Bollocks; Here's The Crucifixion! (1977)
- The Wide Album (1978)
- Blueberry Sky (spoken word, 1978)
- Christmas With Jesus (1979)
- The Bright Side: My Life With Brian in Seven Sweet Songs (1981)
- Proud to be a Jew (1983)
- Don't Call Me Harold (1985)
- Inpsalmnia (1987)
- Has Been Dead (spoken word, 1988)
- Smells like Holy Spirit (with special guest Kurt Cobain, 2004)
Rare limited edition singles include:
- Don't Be Cross With Me
- Ring of Briar
- Can You Stop the Cavalry
- Rock Me Beethoven
- And guest appearances on the many works of Sir Toby Keith
edit Jesus' Filmography
Jesus' films include:
- 1830- "The New New Testament: the Adventures of Joseph Smith, Jr."
- 1969- "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
- 1970- (director) "Love Story" (credited as Alan Smithee)
- 1971- "Godzilla vs Jesus"
- 1974- "The Bethlehem Bible Massacre" as Doctor Feel-Good
- 1976- "The Real Story of Jesus Christ" as "Limo Driver"
- 1981- "[Heart] my Cross and Hope to Die" as "Suicidal Roadie #3"
- 1983- "Return of Jesus: Jesus Harder" (AKA "Jesus: With a Vengeance") as "Hotdog Salesman"
- 1986- (writer) "The Cosby Show: Behind the Scenes"
- 1986- (actor) "The Cosby Show: Behind the Scenes" as "Vanessa/Tempestt Bledsoe"
- 1988- "A Very Brady Christmas" as Himself
- 1994- "999 shei shi xiong shou" ["The Crucifixion"] as "Yau's Mother"
- 1997- "Bend it like Bethlehem" as goal keeper for Beitar Jerusalem football club
- 2004- Bible Movie II: The Roman Empire Strikes Back
- 2005- "King Kong" sound director, creditied as Jezub Olson
- 2006- (project pending) "J and Silent Bob Save America" as "J"
- Editor's note: After being nominated for an Oscar for His role in "Bible Movie V: The Roman Empire Strikes Back", He signed on for the inevitable sequel, still in pre-production. Paul W.S. Anderson is writing the screenplay and Uwe Boll is slated to direct, both having been handpicked by the Holy Spirit. IMDB lists the working title as, "Bible Movie VI: Return of the Jesii".
- Original Jesus's father is rumored to be writing, producing and directing a prequel to the "Bible Movie" films. IMDB lists the working title as "Bible Movie I: The Phantom Moses".
edit Jesus Saves
In the motion picture "Bend it like Bethlehem", Jesus aspires to become a goal keeper for the Beitar Jerusalem football club. However, his father believes that saving goals instead of souls is beneath his son's destiny. Jesus's father, in a bid to distract him from football, ultimately has him implicated in a coup attempt on the Roman Governor which leads to tragic and unforeseen consequences. Jesus is subsequently executed in the sequel The Passion of the Christ.
Jesus saves, shoots and scores!
edit Famous Biblical Passages Involving Jesus
edit The Gospel According to St. Lazarus, 13:11-37
(13:11) Jesus stood up before the crowd, lifted up His fist, and thusly cried, "LET THERE BE ROCK!"
(13:12) And they gathered together and asked Jesus, "Oh, Lord, what is Thy greatest commandment?
(13:13) And Jesus answered thusly, "It is this: Be Cool, and Get Laid."
(13:14) And the crowd was amazed by this.
(13:15) Now, Judas, one of the Twelve, was with the disciples at the time. And as he heard this doctrine, he thought, "There must be some way to pervert this, for it is not what the Sanhedrin teaches."
(13:16) So Judas came up from the crowd, and with him were two fruits, from the tree of the palm.
(13:17) And he said to Jesus, "Lord, I have found these fruits, which I do believe are possessed by two demons. What should I do to purify them?"
(13:18) Jesus said thusly to Judas, "I will show you."
(13:19)And He didst put them to His ears, and lo, He nodded His head, saying thusly, "With a rebel yell, she cried, 'More, More, More'..."
(13:20) But he could not go on, for he was afraid, and he didst grow weak.
(13:21) And so Jesus turned to his disciples, telling them, "Ask what you wish of me; I am your servant."
(13:22) And Phillip did look to Jesus and asked, "Lord, what do you think of homosexuality?"
(13:23) And Jesus didst look upon Phillip and He answered thusly, "You have seen beautiful women washing My feet and partaking of Mine Sacrament, for women are naturally attracted to Saviours. What part of this do you not you understand?"
(13:24) And, behold, a man came from the crowd, who was called the Dude, and he cried out,
(13:25) "If what this man says is true, than no woman should deny him. But who could be so blind as to believe in the power of a man who claims he has never touched a woman?"
(13:26) Now, when Jesus heard this, He did become angered.
(13:27) And He looked to the Dude and said to him, "Nobody fucks with the Jesus."
(13:28) And the Dude did reply, "What shall be done about it then? To whom shall be referred my punishment? See, you have no power over me. You are not God."
(13:29) And he began to walk away.
(13:30) And, lo, Jesus struck down the Dude with his glare, crying out, "Nobody fucks with the Jesus!"
(13:31) And Jesus wept.
(13:32) And when He was done, He stood high among his disciples, crying out,
(13:33) "Thus have all things been explained; thus is my memory for all generations. No one fucks with My will."
(13:34) And there was a great moment of silence.
(13:35) Then Peter said to Him, "Lord, since you have now explained all things to us, tell us this: what is the sin of the world?"
(13:36) And Jesus didst look upon Peter and He answered thusly, "Hard Rock Hallelujah!"
(13:37) And Peter replied, "What in the fuck does that mean?"
edit The Gospel According to St. Jude, 9:35-37
(9:35) The Saviour said to them, "Let no stone be untouched, and let no heart be unmoved, by the Word you spread throughout the world."
(9:36) And the disciples said to him, "Lord, how could we ever reach the world? For we are only mortal men."
(9:37) And the Saviour said to them, "Do not be afraid. I, the LORD, will guide you."
edit See also:
- JesusTron Wars
- Jesus Christ Superstar
- Personal Jesus
- Leon Trotsky
- Atonement Special
- Jewish history
|The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy|
|Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan|
Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan