User:The Great Marie
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Marie, also known as "The Great Marie," is widely regarded as the most badass living being to ever exist ever. It is a known fact that she once fought an army of Nazi-robot-grizzly-bears to the death. Despite dying, she still won and was promptly rewarded with the ability to un-die. It is also rumored that she once fought and defeated Chuck Norris over the last box of Eggos in the freezer using only two raccoons tied together as a pair of nunchucks. She is badass enough to say black jokes without looking over her shoulder.She is a megastar in China and is also rumored to be God.
edit Ancient Times
The Universe began when Marie gave birth to herself.
In ancient times she was, in fact, the one who parted the Red Sea, brought Jesus back from the dead, and invented Bob Saget. She also invented apple juice to satisfy those who lust for the taste of baby flesh.
Legend has it that she accidentally discovered her ability to sing like a goddess by sighing too hard. The sound was so intensely amazing that all of the Earth's volcanoes exploded, thereby wiping out all of the dinosaurs.
In her free time she enjoys headbanging to the sound of bagpipes and the musical styles of kickass bands such as Tool, Gwar, Tool, Slipknot, Tool, Queen, Tool, The Beatles, Tool, Dream Theater, Tool, and Tool, (along with many others such as Tool). She is a world famous chef and makes a mean peanutbutter and jelly sandwich, although my tummy hurt at the time so I was unable to eat half of it.
She often wears bad underwear compared to the other clothes she is wearing in the weather that she's wearing it in. She also believes that dogs are better than cats. In turn, this belief creates a black hole in her closet since whatever Marie says is true, but it is an established fact that cats are cooler than dogs (even if dogs are still pretty cool [cats are fuzzier and make better noises]). She has the ability to speak many sexy foreign languages and it is unknown whether or not she has ever tried and/or enjoyed Chunky Monkey ice cream.
edit "Wings" Controversy
On their album "10,000 Days" Tool seems to make the claim that Marie has wings. Maynard James Keenan has been quoted saying, "Who are you to wave your wings? You must have been out of your head." Upon facing scrutiny from skeptics he also stated, "I know what I saw, and I saw wings." He then ran off to brood, be mysterious, and bottle wine while wearing a cowboy hat.
Although they have never been seen by anyone other than very hungry drug addicts and my imaginary friend Francois, experts have not ruled out the possibility and say that if they do, in fact, exist they are most likely extremely spicy.
edit Recent Work
Recently Marie has been planning on beginning the planning stages of planning to write an intense Norse opera with the totally awesome (but obviously not nearly as kickass) Antonio to be performed by Amon Amarth. Elvish Viking metal is hella beast.
She has continued to pretty much be the most awesome person ever and has no plans to change this. She is still the only person ever who can claim to be metal as fuck whilst running around in colorful clothes and skirts and generally not being a scary metal chick. She's pretty much just the ultimate badass.
It is currently 10:48 on August 20, 2014, and Marie is still awesome.
edit Future Plans
In the future she looks forward to continuing fighting and defending her UFC Heavyweight championship, considering Brock Lesnar is one of her many secret identities.
In terms of planning the future, she has already done so for the rest of us. However, she is willing to make changes if you can convince her well enough. If you wish to convince her to change your future she suggests that you send her $75 in cash along with a detailed argument as to why she should change it. Your argument will then be used as kindling for the fire that she will use to roast your soul for trying to defy her plans.
edit Personal Life
Her first husband, Kevin Bacon, was killed in the Big Bang, leaving her to tend to her 6.7 billion descendants all alone for the past 4.54 billion years. Bacon continues to refuse to send child support.
She is currently engaged to Shaun White, although he doesn't know it yet.
Her hair is pretty awesome.
“Marie is awesome.”
“This could be me.”
“That could be right.”
“Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Marie can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck she wants."”
“I hereby declare Marie the supreme overlord of the planet Earth.”
“They're not mine!”
“In the case of 4.5 billion year old humanity, you ARE the father.”
“No, I am not Marie, and no, I can't get her autograph for you.”
“I could go un-gay for Marie... As long as Brad Pitt wasn't there...Mmm...”
“I am her blanket. Yes, like the one you sleep with.”
“Itsa me! Marie-O!”