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I'm Max. I am fourteen, and don't seem to age. I guess you don't age when you spent your whole life running. You know, from PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN TRYING TO KILL US!!! Oh- sorry. It's just that my life is soooooo hard. I'm female and pubescent and I have wings. I'm part bird. Super bird. I could kick Jesus's ass. I've had to fight things. Please pity me. And because I am so pubescent, I am particularly witty. I guess you get sarcastic when you've been fighting robots all your miserable, chaotic life. Especially when you've GROWN UP IN A CAGE BEING POKED AND PRODDED NONSTOP!! Oop! Sorry again. I guess that when you've saved the world so many times you tend to get used to yelling.
Max, shut the fuck up.
Voice? What's the matter? You see, in the middle of one of my many adventures to save the world this voice in my head popped up and started to tell me to-
Max, Please. Shut it.
Sometimes it's hard to tell when it's the anonymous voice in my head and little Angel who likes to put thoughts in my head-
Max. I told you twice already.
Max. Quit whining.
There's a bunch of us. We all have wings and can kick your ass.
- Me. I am the greatest. Ever. I am God compared to you.
- Fang. I'm not sure if he likes me or if he likes me. I mean, we've only made out like three times. And he's told me that he loves me seven times. And we had sex twice. But I'm still not sure. He must be weird. Heh. What a weirdo.
- Angel. My favorite little kid. Is that creepy? No. It's not creepy. People who think that it is creepy are weird. She can breath underwater. And put thoughts in people's heads. And read their minds. But she's not as powerful as I am. Still. I'm still better. Better.
- Nudge. Sometimes we call her Nudge, but usually we just call her Nigger. I hate her, her and her blackness. She's so black. But I'm not racist. Nope. Not racist. She's just black. That's the problem. Damned nigger.
- Gasman. He's makes things explode. And shits himself like crazy. He is so not better than me.
- Iggy. Blind. He has a disability, therefore handicapped, therefore, not better than I am.
- Total. It's a dog. It talks. That's right- a talking, flying dog. The fucking thing does NOT shut up. You could say that he is our Jar Jar Binks. It's Scooby fuckin' Doo with wings, and it won't shut up.
Books? Oh yeah, books. We have a book series. Here they are.
- Maximum Ride: The First Book
- Maximum Ride: The Two Towers
- Maximum Ride: The Maximum Ride
- Bird Kids The Musical, The Novelization
- The Bird Kid at the end of this book
- Maximum Ride 3: The Search for Maximum Ride 2
- Maximum Ride : ediR mumixaM
edit The fight against Global Warming
We went to Antarctica once, and we learned that Global Warming is bad. As a teenager, my first thought when I heard about this "Global Warming" nonsense was that it would help IMPROVE things. I mean, Global Warming- what's wrong with a little warming things up? And with rising ocean levels, everything would be like a tropical beach! Ha! Us teenagers. We're such morons.
But we met up with Al Gore, and he told us that Global Warming was bad, and that we should blame The Republican Party for it. And when he wasn't crying about not getting elected, he was telling us basically the same thing over and over again. And then blaming Republicans again.
Ahh, what a great guy.
But yeah, Global Warming, it's our duty to nag people until we do something about it. And we are to keep nagging until they join us- kind of like Jehovah's Witnesses.
We were created and born in a laboratory. Where were you born? A hospital. Mmm. That must have been nice. But it probably also would have been nice to NOT HAVE TO SPEND YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE RUNNING FROM MAD SCIENTISTS!!! Whoops! Did it again. Well, we were created when a couple of scientists got together with a few fetuses and shoved a bird in each one.
That's... basically it. I mean, there isn't much more to it. Why were we created? Ahh, I'm glad you asked. You see, we were created to SAVE THE WORLD. Were you born to save the world? Ha! Doubt it! I was made to amount to more than you! What are you doing right now? Reading some dumb article? Well, I'M out saving the world. Boy, you sure are worthless compared to me. But then again, you didn't spend your life running in fear, and being tortured your entire childhood!
CONSTANTLY IN FEAR OF YOUR LIFE!! LIVING TO PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!!
Max, shut up!
YOU'VE NEVER FELT REAL PAIN BEFORE HAVE YOU?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT REAL PAIN IS LIKE!! IT SUCKS!! IT-
Max, shut your whore mouth!
-(Phew) thanks for that one, Voice.
Fuck off, Max.