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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 06:40 (UTC)
19 May 2010
Washington DC, United States -- In an unprecedented act of exasperation Wednesday, the United States Congress, exhausted with its efforts to let corporations corporations have it one after another, sent out a group summons to every American corporation in every industry of the entire economy.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi elaborates: "It's just so hard, getting all the congressmen and women in there for all the hearings we keep having. It's like, why not just do it all at once and get it over with, you know?"
The congressional reprimands began back in November of 2008 when the three major US automobile producers, Ford, Chrysler, and GM, came to Congress asking for bailout money, and received it, along with a verbal spanking that made it totally worth it. "We in the Congress feel that a stern talking-to is the best way to solve problems that would otherwise require doing something weird, like our jobs, passing legislature to better regulate industry," said Senator Robert Byrd at the time.
In February of 2009, it was the banks' turn, and Bank of America, Bank of New York Mellon, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Morgan Stanley, State Street, and Wells Fargo all got to bend over for Congress's rhetorical paddle, which, according to those in attendance, was even totallyer worth the massive government bailout which the banks had already begun pissing away in large year-end bonuses. The blogosphere buzzed with excitement over the tongue-lashing. Said one blogger, "I almost dropped my coffee when [Michael E. Capuano (D-Mass)] said he could not believe the bankers weren't already under indictment, or words to that effect, for their action in SIVs." Oh snap! Capuano sure told those bankers what for, or words to that effect!
February of 2010 brought more automakers into the Statehouse, this time Toyota. The company had overlooked that most trivial intricacy of driving known as "stopping," and therefore needed, not fines or increased scrutiny of the developing and manufacturing process to protect that consumer, but instead a gnarly brow-beating courtesy of the American lawmakers.
Just a few weeks ago, in mid-May, when an oil rig exploded, killed 11 people, and began ejaculating hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil into the gulf of Mexico, Congress sent the golden ticket to British Petroleum, who got to tour the chocolate factory of congressional fury. "I'm still convinced this is totally working, and not a waste of anyone's, especially not Congress's, time," said House Minority Leader John Boehner(R). Boehner was asked for, but refused to offer, commentary on the fact that his name is spelled like it's pronounced "boner."
So now, at the end of May 2010, Congress has had it with the individual hearings and is hauling every executive in the country into one room for one ultimate rebuking, one definite dressing-down, one final flaying, one towering telling-off, one paramount preaching, one massive moralizing, one absolute admonishing, one superb scolding, one hyperbolic haranguing, and one conclusive chiding which doesn't really alliterate because the sounds aren't the same but I don't really care.
"This is NOT a stupid idea," said an unconvincing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid(D). "We just need a really really big building is all."
"I too can attest to the absence of stupidity anywhere in this plan," remarked Joe Lieberman(I). "We'll just put the economy on a bus. Has the senate ever let down the American people before?"
UnNews won't answer that question. The hearing will begin as soon as Congress can come up with a feasible way to get thousands of people into a room to be yelled at. If their usual blazing speed is any indication, we should see some kind of gathering sometime in mid 2012. This places it just before elections, which is perfect for tricking voters into thinking you've done something productive while in Congress, and it sure beats lawmaking.