User:TheJumpman01

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simp This user does not like userboxes, and grimaces at the thought of having this abomination on his\her userpage!


usb This user likes to use userboxes.


So you young'uns like these newfangled confounded devices? Dadgummit, when I was a kid, we didn't have no such thing as the interweb! All we had was a stick, a ball and an old tin can! ...and a Color TV and a Nintendo 64. Dadgummit.



Mah Life

So, what'chya want to know about me? Everything you wanna know is in that nice l'il table of contents box just north up this ol' country road.

US flag This user is American
...and unabashedly proud of it!
(List of American Uncyclopedians)


Birth

I was born in October 18th, 1994 1904 to a pair of engineers farmers in the l'il ol' town of Somerset, New Jersey McFalls, Kansas. Don't find it nowhere on the map? That's cuz it's the doggone smallest town you've ever yet seen! It's so dadgone small that even the mouses have to pay rent! ...okay, they don't. But wouldn't it be cool if they did... hey! What are you dadgum teen lookin' at? Get a move on the next section, young'un!

Childhood/Adolescence

Now when I was a kid, we had no such thing as football... wuzzat? Football was invented in 1879? Well, who gives a dang, this here is my userpage, and I can alter reality to it through the parody laws, the law of evolution, the string theory... I mean, through my own goldang will. So, as I was sayin', we didn't have no football to watch on TV, so we all gathered 'round and played a good ol' family game of XBox. And lemme tell ya, I was the master of them family games! I prestiged multiple times in Call of Duty, I... hey! Can'tcha respeck an old man's ranting and raving? Move on to the next section, whydon'tcha?

College

Never went to college yet. Next section already!

Years that could've been my college years but weren't

Now, in the year in 1924, I became a real man, and that was the year when that ol' man Brett Favre and his lovah John Madden made football as popular as ever. Of course, finding a dadgum T.V. was as hard as finding a hay in a needlestack, so this here brain told me, hey, go to the movies, you young rascal! And I did. That's all. Now go to the next section, doggoneit!

Adulthood

As you young'uns can see, I was a man at this point, and it was time for me to get a wife, settle down and get some good'ol kids! Except for one here problem - there's no good-lookin' women in McFalls! Jes' old men and old women and this here strip club. Never figgered out the point of that. Whatever. So anyways, I was walkin past the strip club, when I saw a women in the most revealing dress you've ever seen. I mean, the darn thing barely went past her knees. But whoo-hoo-hoo did she look good! Put some steak sauce on that grade-A behind and then... hey! Stop lookin' at my ramblins already, you young'un! ...oh, so you say you're older than that? Well, have a taste of mah fists! ...after I catch mah breath. Next section already!

Marriage

So I go up to this chick and I say, "Hi, you are so durn pretty I never met someone as pretty as you!" And boy-oh-boy, did her face light up! I've never seen a face get that beet-red before! So I says, "Miss, I'm sorry, I'll tend yer fields fer you." And then she says the durndest thing: "I'm from New York City." Now, I wuz wonderin' if she was an alien, cuz no where on earth is there any such thing as Jew Nork Shitty. But she's still as hot as a barbie cue, so I sez, "wanna get married," and sure enough she's at a barn dance with me and mah chum at home! What a great woman!

Or not

And then she says "I have to go back to New York City." Doggone aliens.

Virgindeguadalupe This user is Catholic and believes articles become featured through good works, not faith.


Religion

So them ol' light-years go past, and I'm still livin like a bachelor in my parents farm. Ah well, could be worse. One day, I'm drivin' their tractor when suddenly, some big ol' bull runs right in front of my tractor! I was never really religious, but I remember prayin' out loud to the Lord Above for help, and he saves me by pickin' that bull up with his hand, holdin it above mah tractor, and savin it! I became a Christian that day!

Flying Spaghetti Monster This user believes in the Noodly Appendage of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.


Conversion

I was a good Christian until the state required everyone to become some doggone Flyin' Italian Food Lover because they sed so. Doggone Communist Kansans.

Anti-Conversion

I didn't convert to them fags at that nasty l'il Westboro Baptist Church, partially because I'm a fifteen year old Roman Catholic with a large Jewish nose who hates bigots I was told not to by dem Communist Kansans. I'll never get dem Liberals. And so what if Kansas is a conservative state?! ...dadgum liberals.

Death

I'm not dead, because if I was, I wouldn't be talkin' to you. Kids these days, they just don't use their brains anymore... move on, goshdarnit!

Uncyclopedia

Yeah, now I join this here place to see what fads you young'uns are keepin' up with.

Linkin'

[[You know, I love this site, but the thing I like the most about it is these here fancy pipe links. Fancy indeed! Hey, why isn't this stopping? Dadgum, why ISN'T THIS STOPPING! OH NO, MY GOLDANG CAPS KEY IS STUCK LIKE A COW IN A HOLE! OH MY GOD, MY COW IS IN A HOLE IN REAL LIFE! I HATE TO LEAVE YOU GUYS, BUT I GOTTA SAVE MAH COW. AFTER I GET THIS DADGUM CAPS KEY UNSTUCK... JUST GO TO THE NEXT SECTION, WILL YOU?]]


Makin these here articles!

Yeah... made only one... dadgum the confusion of this site.

  1. UnNews:Obama Threatens to Kill the Recession with a Hacksaw

Pictures

I would post some here, but that would be too much work already!

This Here End

This article is over, go away dadgummit!

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