User:TheJumpman01/Obama Threatens to Kill the Recession with a Hacksaw
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
24 April 2010
"The cycles of boom and bust are part of American culture, but now I intend to keep it at "boom" by threatening to keep the "bust" out with a large hacksaw. We will revive the economy stronger and more unified than before, mainly since there won't be any room for the recession," Obama said during his address.
"The recession has gone on for far enough! We need a big hacksaw with a big sharp blade and a big handle so that a big hand can hold the blade!" said Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nv), who supports this bill.
"I agree, too... except we will pick the one which actually pays their taxes, of course. Washington isn't a pretty town, but the bribes here do nudge things a bit... I mean, bribes are wrong!" added Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Ca).
Republicans, however, are not as excited about the prospect of this bill passing.
"I understand that the recession is bad, but we need to start at it slowly," says Republican Senator John McCain (R-Az), who has money to burn. "We need to start at it slowly, with a plastic spork... after that, we can proceed gradually into a real fork, a butter knife, then a regular knife, slow down a bit and go back to a spoon, and then use a butcher's knife. After this process is finished, then the Republicans will discuss the hacksaw."
With these conflicting ideas, Republicans and Democrats are deadlocked, and the recession is still running around freely on the streets (especially Wall Street). However, Obama is trying to help revive the economy with another measure - support GM and Chrysler.
"Those two companies are looking rather ugly right now, and I think it's time we Americans help them out. The process of helping these companies out will be similar to making sausage, but there isn't much we can do about that. We will support them with sticks and tweed, like those trees that are about to fall over."
To show he wasn't kidding, Obama sent the stakes and the string over to the company, only to have them returned to him with a note saying "Fuck you" attached to each. Obama, however, is unfazed.
"It may not be popular now, but once they understand my recovery plan, then they will finally see the light. And maybe they'll stop paying those Republicans money."