User:TheHumbucker/Gerund

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"Those bloody gerunds won't stop fondling my participles." - Oscar Wilde


The gerund is a part of speech, and the younger half-brother of the infinitive. Their mother, Anabelle Dunn, was the most notorius whore of eastern London in the late 17th century. Its father was an unnotable wag with a tic that caused him to "ING ING ING" during coitus.

Early in life, the gerund was picked out for its remarkable ability to completely bugger up the distinction between nouns and verbs. For this it was sent to the Wiltpenbryshire School for androgynes, where it became a talented crossdesser. Unfortunately, the school was burnt to the ground in 1876 by a raging mob of Luddites who had recently decided that maps where an encroachment upon man's natural sense of direction. Left without anywhere to be, the gerund proceeded to wander the frozen wastes of southern England for the rest of its childhood, inspiring Charles Dickens to write his infamous handbook for the care and feeding of shackled boys.

Embittered by its savage youth, the gerund fled to Amerika, where it established itself as a Don in the Pretentious Fucktard Mafia, responsible for coordinating the smuggling of caviar, pickled monkey arses, and inegrated bell curves into prohibition-era New York City. It had found its niche and prospered greatly, but was still given to pining for England, wherein remained its one true love, Paul Fryhle, the editor of the London Daily Glossolossiac. When the bottom eventually fell out of the caviar market, due to the importation of a cheap Sumatran imitation based on the sweat of menstruating goats, the gerund returned to its native land and was reunited with its beloved. Together, they spawned several thousand children who have since spread all over the Anglish-speaking world as valued quantifiers of abstaction.

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