User:TheHappySpaceman/UnNews:Whatshisname dies, nobody cares

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TheHappySpaceman/UnNews:Whatshisname dies, nobody cares

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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Thursday, February 11, 2016, 20:13:59 (UTC)

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Maybe you could try a few pictures... No, this isn't him. It's too familiar.

WHEREVER WHATSHISNAME LIVED -- So, some guy, I don’t know what his name is, died, and people were really super happy. Yeah, great. Can I go now?


No, that's not right either. Hair's too dorky.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I’ll tell you his story now.


You say this is him? Nah. Can’t be. This guy doesn’t look a thing like whatshisname.

So, y’know, back in 2001, there was something horrible. A serious crime. Yes, the Jonas Brothers! Wait... whut? That’s not who you’re talking about? Oh. Well.

There was also another horrible thing in 2001. A serious crime. A disgrace to humanity: The film Pearl Harbor! Wait... that wasn’t it either? Darn, I thought for sure that would be it.

Oh, the 9/11 attacks! That’s what you’re talking about! Well... there were buildings. Now they’re gone. But now there’s more buildings! Hooray for humans!

...darn. You must always be so specific! Fine. Osama bin Laden is said to have sent (who cares whether there is any proof) two planes toward the World Trade Center and the Twin Towers and the Pentagon and the Hexagon and the Octagon and the DOCTOR OCTOGONAPUS BLAAAURGH!!!

So we started a war in Iraq because of it, even though Osama bin Laden lived in Afghanistan, which I find kind of stupid... what’s that, Boss? Hey! Why did you slap me? Well, that’s what I want to be! A stand-up comedian! FINE!!! I’m just trying to get some practice! Jeez!

ANYWAY!!!, the people went out all partying in front of the White House and all, so yeah. Kind of like The Wizard of Oz, or Alice in Wonderland, or whichever one it was that they sang “Ding-dong, the witch is dead.” There. The story’s over.

What’s that, Boss? You want me to do an ending note like real news reporters do? But I'm not a real news reporter! FINE! I’ll improvise!
In conclusion: Who died on May 1? A whole damn lot of people who don’t matter as much as the guy who’s in the news doesn’t matter.

Vaderguild color
So ding-dong, Osama’s dead. Wait... Oops, looks like you have bigger problems.

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