The Battle of Bosworth (22nd August 1485) is classified as the last ruckus in the War of the Roses. It saw King Richard III slain on the battlefield and his successor Henry VII proclaimed king by a patriotic army of mercenaries, Welshmen, Frenchmen, felons, traitors and turncoats. The battle was so famous that years later no one could remember exactly what happened, where it had been fought or whether it had been a good idea after all.
England in the 15th century had gone through a long struggle between rival groups of aristocrats who had nothing better to do but to argue about the colour of roses. Some said the red rose (of England) was more noble but others said white was purer. After some polite discussions, leading on to debates and finally fights - the issue had appeared to have been resolved when King Edward IV killed his rivals in 1471. The Whites or the 'Yorkists' won whilst the Reds (the Lancastrians) were broken and left only an itinerant Welshman called Henry 'Dai' Tudor as their standard bearer. Since there was a price on his head, Henry moved to a caravan park in Brittany where he lived with his uncle Sir Jasper Tudor ('Do Not Touch Me'). Jasper was also Welsh and a creep.
That should have been that for the Lancastrians but in 1483 Edward IV died whilst trying to row off his excess body fat in a fishing expedition. His son Edward became King Edward V but needed to have his fancy dress day out (a coronation) to be 'King in the eyes of God'. But Edward was still in short tights so a regent was required or 'protector' as the title was then called. (more...)
Nouvelle cuisine is the ideal answer when a restaurant becomes too popular. In these cases, the chef is worked off his or her feet trying to keep all those tables supplied with appetising, nutritious food. Increasing the prices may offer a temporary relief from the overpopularity of the eating-place, or it may instead create an atmosphere of quality and exclusiveness, thereby increasing customers further still. Switching from food to Nouvelle Cuisine helpfully reduces the number of customers to manageable proportions, without resorting to such unpopular or illegal measures as salmonella or e-coli.
No one single characteristic describes Nouvelle Cuisine. Rather, a combination of known attributes, when seen together, determine the style to exist.
- Oversize plate: Nouvelle Cuisine dishes are invariably served on a plate at least three times the diameter required to hold the meal itself. Sometimes, the plate is so large that places must be double-spaced. The very large size of plate allows adequate free space, unencumbered with food, for the chef to demonstrate his or her artistic talent. It is also important that the plate is cold, preferably having been deep-frozen until a few minutes before serving. This coldness ensures that the customer has to eat-up quickly, thus freeing the table sooner.
- Dusty eating surfaces: The plate, and any other surfaces carrying food shall be sufficiently dusty to create the impression of a possible hygiene concern. If plates do not remain unused long enough for natural dust to build up, then this may be substituted with flour, or in fact with any powdery material typically found in a kitchen. (more...)
DID U KNOE...
- ...that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (pictured)
- ... that it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt that the reason for 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce is because those people try to go to IKEA together for a relaxing afternoon?
- ...that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ...that it was I who let the dogs out?
- ...that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
- ...that Uranus is a gas giant?
- ...that torture is better to give than to receive?
In the news
ON DIS DAI...
October 25: Shark Awareness Day
- 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
- 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
- 1655 - Shark arrives from the future, is promptly killed by puzzled Welshman.
- 1936 - The Rome-Berlin Axis is created by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and a bunch of great white sharks (the sharks wanted to ally with Hitler, because they were great white supremacists).
- 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act
- 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
- 1979 - Green Peace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
- 1988 - The Gardners are cloned
- 1993 - Vincent Price dies.
- 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
- 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava
- 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
- 2007 - Jim Toomey, writer of the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, is given honorary Cambodian citizenship.
- 2008 - (Morning) I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.
- 2008 - (Afternoon) It was discovered that I forgot they were on the table. Sharks were to blame.
- 2008 - (Evening) The goddamn car wouldn't start. An alliance of sharks and malicious little green men is to blame.
| COLONIZASHUN OV TEH WEEK
|For the glory of her majesty|
HALP US CLEAR TEH IVY OV CRAP,
AN PLANT TEH SEEDZ OV HUMOR.