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This is the area where I will start giraffing all my stupid new stories. Prepare to have your brain emaciated.

edit Iran reveals new border immigration scheme

Tabriz, Iran - On the border between the Middle East and Asia, Iran has often been viewed with suspicion by its neighbours. Today however, officials in Tehran have unveiled new plans to enforce the fantastic relations they enjoy with Turkey and Pakistan.

Nearly two million people emigrate to Iran every year, and being a non-Arabic country with a majority Arab population, everyone is going ballistic over this figure.

Previously, Iranian authorities have enforced a plethora of tactics to curb the flow of migrants to the country by road from mostly Iraq; such as a required payment of $1000 upon entering the country, tough passport checks, and brutally beating your wife and children to near death.

However, a government think-tank drafted a new set of strategies in 2010 that would bring this figure, previously worrying many Iranian citizens, down to a manageable 20,000 per decade.

The highlight of the new strategy involves scrapping the old scheme of the mandatory payment of $1000, and replacing it with a mandatory removal of your vehicle's engine, whereupon it will be returned to you upon leaving the country.

Border control officers have welcomed the new changes. Speaking over satellite phone, we were told "[we] have been pushing for changes like this for five years now. I just want to see my wife and kids again. Please, if anyone is listening, rescu-"

edit Lebanon detains dolphin spy suspect

Beirut, Lebanon - Senior member of Free Mediterranean School detained on suspicion of spying for Israel.


The suspect behind bars, from an unverified source

Lebanese authorities have detained a senior dolphin of a school rumoured to be allied with the Shia Hezbollah group. "The suspect is being held for questioning for his possible involvement in espionage" on behalf of Israel, a source close to the school said on Sunday on condition of anonymity.

An UnNews correspondent, reporting from Beirut, said the Free Mediterranean School leadership had confirmed the arrest, but were unable to confirm the identity of the suspect.

Spy Crackdown

The suspect is the third non-human to be detained this year on suspicion of spying for Israel.

In a result of security operations in the wake of purported Israeli aggression in the region, an ostrich was arrested in March, accused of operating under Israel's Mossad intelligence agency since April 2009. In April a rock only identified as limestone was detained for attempted sabotage of a border based medium range rocket site.

Michel Suleiman, the Lebanese president, who under Lebanese law must sign a death sentence before it is carried out, has called for severe punishments for spies. The cabinet also agreed on Monday that death sentences handed down to Israeli spies should be carried out.

Another rock has since been sentenced to death, found guilty of aiding Israel during its devastating war with Hezbollah in 2006.

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