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“What the bloody strewth-ridden tucker is this shit?”
“Telstra starts with a T”
“Telstra is reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyy shit”
“I beat that guy in a race once”In Australia, Telstra is a cover for the Illuminati, who have taken over Australia's phone and internet services in an attempt to brainwash a larger portion of the country.
Telstra in general
Telstra has one very simple goal; make everything as slow as possible whilst at the same time as expensive as possible. However, the service is so crap, that the general public has realised that it is obviously run by someone evil, and have concluded that it could only be run by one of the two following factions:
The catchy name for Telstra's broadband service 'Bigpond' is exactly what it says; a big pond. Bigpond offers several 'channels' where its users can visit and not use any of there download limit. However, in order to visit these pages, there is a minimum $AUD40.00 a month subsricption fee and a 12 month lock in contract, which telstra has cleverly disguised as a 'usage fee'. Telstra recently increased the speeds avaliable on Bigpond and as a result reported a net worth increase of $AUD3.1 Billion and a 3.1% increase in zombie farm population.
In a desperate attempt to save their own asses the Australian Government has decided to sell most of their shares to narrow minded morons who seem to belive that they will make actual money from this so called 'offer'. Most of the shares holders have been sold to the finest reseach facilties in the world, so they can try to work out what the hell eveyone was thinking.
In breaking news, forigen affairs minister Alexander Downer has decided to bury his portion of the shares on a deserted island, and is now hoping to lure all bogans and people from cronulla to the island. He is then planning on informing North Korea that he will give to anyone who can hit a target on the island (the bogans and cronulla residents) a pair of his prized elevator boots.
The NextG network
The start of it all
Due to it's massive increase in revenue in 2006, Telstra decided to 'upgrade' its current phone and internet service with more wireless conections and faster download speeds. The service also allows it's
victims users to download files to their phone and computer similtaniously. As a result, there has been and increase in online music, movies, game and (with and increase of 28.9%) porn sales. The NextG network has also increased Telstras owners (the Illuminati) monopoly on the phone services in Australia.
Telstra has acquired half of rival phone company Three's network, on the condition that they pay for half of their costs. As a result, the number of Three adverdisments in Australia has halfed, and Telstra's advertisments have increased by 51%.
'WhereIs?" service on NextG
In recent days, Telstra has decided that it would allow it's users to take advantage of a service called WhereIs? on the Next G network. This service is where anyone with a NextG enabled phone can pay Telstra obseinly large amounts of money for maps of city's in Australia. However Telstra find this offensive and insits that (The WhereIs? service) Is a remarkable service that will allow people all across Australia to find their way around major cities, and find the location of the nearest bar or nightclub to them The neglet to mention the fact that the service will automatically give you directions to the nearest Telstra shop or dealer with out even knowing untill you arrive.
Pay TV service
Telstra also has a 'Pay TV' service where you pay Telstra to watch TV. This marvelous service offers 30 channels stolen directly from Foxtel. This
crap,HELP I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN A BRAIN ZOMBIFYING marvelous service can be yours from the low, low price of $AUD36.95 when you combine your home line and your soul in one convinent package.
As an added incentive, you can sell your organs to recive an extra free 50 local calls a month, to any other person who does not have a phone.
TechnologyTelstra has managed to create some very sophisticated technology, years ahead of what anyone would have expected to have come out of Australia. One of these is a highly sophisticated matter transference device, which they have dubbed the 'Phone Booth'. This deadly piece of technology is capable of moving large amounts of grey matter (AKA brain) to brain zombifying plants anywhere in the world.
This amazing new technology has also allowed Telstra to recieve a massive increase in profits. The matter transference device allows it's users to make phone calls, but since it costs roughly $AUD5.50 to make one of these calls, the result is Telstra reporting an increase of... a lot in the last finacial year.