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“OH YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!YESSSS!AHHHHH!FASTERRRRRRRR!YESSSS!OH GOD!”
“I heard he has man boobies.”
“If ever you need an intelligent response to religion threads, he's your guy.”
“The word 'drugs' starts with the letter "d".”
“He does not do drugs”
“Hey there, sailor”
“Please don't kill me!”
“THE DRUGGIE gets me so wet”
“ Yeah the Druggies an okay guy... Wait who?”
“I look forward to killing him soon!”
“His wiener, it's huge!”
“So I met him in the restroom one day, how should I know who he is?? ”
“ THE_DRUGGIE? Hell Yeah! ”
“Who the Fuck!?”
“ He is my rainbow and I am his lollipop”
“I hear this "Druggie" person lieks mudkips. Quite a disconcerting notion indeed. ”
edit Headline text
Ant's of Fire Inc. brings you...
The LOL WUTERMELON. Available in 12 flavors, including Drugs. The only downside of this product is that every single time someone posts a picture of it anywhere, those menacing [img] things flank both sides of the image. NOOOO!
edit Impaled Northern Moonforest and the Necrowizard
Not about Impaled Northern Moonforest and the Necrowizard, might as well stop right here.
Or we'll find you.
THE DRUGGIE is a demented space ranger in the 4Z5 Rainbow Division of the Council of Five Erect Penises. THE DRUGGIE(Who will now be called TD for simplicity.) was once a 42 year old housewife who had a sex change operation after her second wife was discovered having an affair with another woman. Their marriage fell apart, and shortly afterwards TD had a sex change operation, fell through a cosmic warphole and came out at a younger age in the year 5789. Galatic war had broken out, and The Council of Five Erect Penises discovered TD, and immediately knew him to be the unlucky soul destined to be their hero.
edit 4Z5 Rainbow Division History
Taken to the head of the council, TD was endowed with a wide array of super powers from fire breath to super strength, as well as many other disturbing and perverted powers. TD stopped the evil mole people of TEIRON 8 from destroying the Council, thus ending the war. Afterwards, TD used his new powers and traveled back in time several thousand years around the beginning of the 21st century. There, TD began using his amazing array of powers to help the people posting on the website gamespot and it's off topic forums. There, he met many other amazing people, such as the amazing Omni-Slash, who managed to defeat an entire army of hellish monsters that came from the Fifth Dimension to destroy Earth, using only a tube sock, toothpick, and a bottle of mustard. The two formed a superhero union where other superheroes could join together and defeat the forces of evil. Joining their ranks were btthegreat_78, who's super intelligence was enough to cause even the gnomes of Feron 7 to die of entirely random causes.
edit Musical Career
Ever since TD was a young lad, he drempt of forming his own musical group. Sadly, the genre he wanted to cover was already dominated by The Village People. Seeing as getting into this genre would only result in miserable failure, TD decided to form his own kind of music, which he called "Screamusicianoceanographicasticals," which involved only him screaming at the top of his lungs for the entire time. Although it has been concluded that this genre was one of the worst of all time, it still wasn't as bad as emosticularcancerousity.
The first album TD released, which was called "The Last Rainbow Ranger" was a total flop. It is said that the songs on that horrific album actually gave people cancer in places that never seemed possible. Some of the songs even woke the dead and caused a huge zombie invasion on the shores of Pakistan and Canada. However, most college kids still use this music in hazing. Why anyone would want to wish this upon their worst enemy, we still do not know. It is best said that this album should be forgotten, and all remnants of it should be incinerated immediately.
After the album, TD was proclaimed the worst musician of all time, according to the Rolling Stone. This claim was published in their "Hottest people not related to music at all" issue on January 3, 1337. Because so many people believed in whatever this magazine had to say back then, everyone created an anrgry mob in order to track him down.
However, this was during the time that TD was part of the 4Z5 Rainbow Division. It was when the foolish mobsters came to his doorstep that they found the fatal error that they had made. When the first mobster opened the door, huge, colorful rainbows flew out of the door and killed everyone with pretty colors and other kinds of fragmented light. Sadly, none of the people in the angry mob survived the attack, so most of what happened is clearly speculation and crackpot theories.
Others were LJS9502_basic, who had heat vision, and fatzombiepigeon, a young poster capable of making claims so insane and illogical, they caused people's heads to explode. Others soon joined their ranks, and eventually they formed The Super Amazing Fabulous Ultra Squad. The SAFUS have since battled many evil villains and monsters, which were all defeated at the hands of The SAFUS.
Without warning, they were all stricken with a case of super herpes. A month later, they died due to their organs falling out through their sex organs. This incident has been debated over the fact of it's status as a universal holiday. However, nobody cares.
edit Controversy Over Death
After this incident, TD's illegitimate kids had his body cremated. They then, being the addicts they were, snorted his ashes with a mixture of cocaince and salt. They all soon died of super herpes. Today, this strain of herpes has infected many people worldwide, suggesting that it will most likely become a global epidemic over the next few years if the media continues to turn us into their mindless slaves
Sadly, this is where TD's bloodline ends....Err should we say sadly? There has been controversy over the use of such grieving, but nobody seems to point out that the people arguing over such an issue have no visible life. This suggests that the only people who really care about him are zombies. These sad creatures obviously have nothing else better to do with their time. We all suggest that Bruce Campbell deals with these beings as soon as possible.
edit Further Information
For more information about the 4Z5 Rainbow Division, please click here.
edit Current History
edit Life After Death
Although TD was killed by the killer diseases of killvaninia when he was with his unit, his mind was implanted into the site called Gamespot (Which we call call GS for short...Because we can) on January 3, 2006. He is cleverly disguised as a GS poster on the Off-Topic forums (which we will now call OT...Just so we can annoy you).....Anyway, TD is on GS OT posting messages (which we will call msg...err...forget it, let's drop these acronyms altogether...I guess we'll keep TD, though...)
Err....right...uhhh...anyway, he posts messages there about his daily life, which is highly classified due to the fact that it would make any normal man's head explode for not forseeable reason. Scientists have theorized that the gross misuse of commas in his messages have contributed to said explosions. However, nobody is ready to comment on the matter. Why? Nobody really cares enough to report such an insignificant study....Or the people who researched this entire matter have had their heads explode as well...
TD has been speculated to be either a CIA agent, FBI agent, or a bird. The most credible claim is the claim that he is a seagull that lives somewhere on the west coast of the Atlantic Ocean. His daily routines there include eating fish, eating fish, eating fish, and....uhhhh...shooting at people. How he is able to fire a handgun when he has wings, we still do not know. However, it does make the claim a little less credible than before....I guess we shouldn't be suprised. After all, that guy made this claim. He has been known to say such lies when he is sleepwalking....
edit Seagull Theory
While most people find this to be the least credible claim of all, it seems to make the most sense. After all, we know that all people in the 4Z5 Rainbow Division were transferred tro some kind of animal, right? Maybe it was a cover-up created by the USA to throw the average Joe off of the real story....In any case, this theory states that he is now a seagull who lives on the west coast of the Atlantic Ocean (as previously stated in this article). This means that he must be somewhere around New Jersey, where he does the activities that were also stated before this section was added.
Most people denounce this theory as a simple plea for attention. However, some people have claimed to see him fishing...Which makes absolutely no sense at all....I guess that proves how crazy these people are...
edit CIA Theory
On the other hand, some people believe that TD is actually a government agent sent to destroy the evil country that we call Iceland. There is still some inquiries on why the government would want to do such a thing, but nobody has seemed to object to this statement. The reasoning behind that might be that nobody really cares enough to find out one way or the other...
This claim was originally constructed by Bruce Lee after he found out that the last enemy he faced was not a martial artist, but a duck. After this fight, he found out from the markings on the duck that TD had risen again, but as an agent of evil. Seeing as he knew the inner workings of the CIA, he concluded that TD had been ressurected as a CIA operative. Nobody was around him when he made the claim, so it might just be some 12-year-old kid who has way too much time on their hands and too little ritalin in its head.
Despite the credibility of this statement, people still believe it today....And when we say people, we mean about 5 or 6 people who have also claimed to be abducted by Aliens.
edit The Plane Incident
The Druggie had his penis eaten off by a bunch of rabid penis eating pineapples. Yes the mutha fucking pineapples. They were on my fucking plane also. God damn it.
edit The Plane
Apparently, if you follow the story about TD being a secret agent for the CIA, he was on a plane to the evil country of Iceland when it was struck by pinesapples that attacked the passengers and also did something else. The details on that something else is safely hidden away in a secret vault where the contents will never be disturbed until he dies...Which will probably be never, seeing as not even death cares enough to pay attention to him.
edit The Pineapples
No, this is not about that crappy band from LA, this is about the pineapples that attacked the plane.
These pineapples are thought to be the offspring of a scientific experiment gone wrong that happened somewhere off the coast of Germany. The original experiment was created during World War II as a weapon that could infiltrate enemy lines as a harmless food, and then attack the inhabitants without warning. These pineapples were sought after by the US Governemnt ever since then. Approximately 4 of these pineapples were brought on the plane by terrorists that planned to have them attack and annoy the innocent passengers.
This plot was foiled when TD attacked the pineapples with a spoon. However the attack was in vein, as the pineapples then laughed at him and bit off that "special" place. Racting to this horrible event, he quickly grabbed a chainsaw from an overhead compartment (which happened to be Bruce Campbell's, by the way) and started to cut all the pineapples to death. The plane safely landed and no passengers were harmed. However, nobody cared enough to report on the story, since a local dog show was being held at the same time.
edit Other Theories
1. The Chuck Norris Theory - TD is Chuck Norris.
2. The "Dubbya" Theory - TD is George W. Bush.
3. Cake Theory - TD is a cake.
4. OMGWTFBBQ Theory - TD is a BBQ that screams "OMG!" and "WTF!"
5. Caring Theory - Nobody cares about this theory.
6. Dead Theory - TD is dead in this theory.
7. Alive Theory - TD is also dead in this theory.
8. FBI Theory - TD is a mole.
9. Celebrity Theory - TD is a piece of pie on a celebrity's face.
10. Theory Theory - TD has the theory on the theory of this theory.
11. The "I EDITED THIS PAGE" Theory - TD was killed by the editor of this theory.
edit Disproved Theories
edit Area 51 Theory
This theory says that TD is currently a character that will appear in a new Area 51 game. This has been proven false by the American Government, and, as usual, we will have to believe them or we will all be killed by their nuclear missles.
There were a few people who still believed in this theory, despite the obvious threat of the Government killing them. However, these people miraculously dissappeared into thin air. Never to be seen or heard from again, these people have been denied existence. This incident goes to show that the Government will kill you if you know enough.
edit Duck Theory
This theory says that TD is currently a duck that lives on the west coast of the Pacific Ocean. This claim is absolutely false. We all know that TD is either dead or currently living as a Seagull...Or could be any of the other theories that weren't proved false...
Anyway, this claim was proven false when a group of scientists quickly discovered that the possibility of a duck being the product of someone's death would be theoretically impossible according to the Chinese government. However, they were still open to the possibility of a seagull being the product of his death. Why the Chinese government let them come to this conclusion is beyond our understanding, but nobody really cared enough to find out enough about this situation...
edit Zombie Theory
While the idea of TD being a zombie might be reasonable to some, it is actually the farthest thing from common sense.
For example, zombies are real, right? Ok, so then TD is a zombie, right? WRONG! TD was injected with a serum that prevented this condition from arising when he died. This vaccine was developed to keep Ron Jeremy from...err..."rising" from the grave and eating all of the people he had Pork with. Seeing that this actually worked, SAFUS made the vaccine manditory for all new recruits and current members. This means that when everyone is finally killed by the CIA, SAFUS will never be a threat to anyone else.
TD was the first person to be given this vaccination, and it is guaranteed that he will never become a member of the undead.
edit Plant Theory
Another disproven theory is the infamous "Plant Theory" that was made by Jackie Chan in the year 2010. This theory says that TD's ashes were dumped in a potted plant, and he suddenly took over all of the functions of the plant. Anyone who has read the article up to this point knows that his illegitimate children all snorted his ashes immediately after cremation. Seeing as they couldn't get the ashes out of their noses, this makes the theory void.
However, it could lead to theories that TD has taken over the bodies of the people who snorted his ashes...Meh, I guess we shouldn't go too deep into that...
edit The 4Z5 Rainbow Division and SAFUS Today
While all of the original members of the First 4Z5 Rainbow Division and SAFUS have died horrible deaths, they are still recorded in history. Although you may not see them in the history books, they hold a prominent place as the most insignificant groups that have ever existed...Which is probably why they're not in your history books in the first place...In any case, they still hold that important title, and almost lost their status to Kenny G when nobody even knew who the hell he was at the moment.
edit 4Z5 Rainbow Division
As stated above, all of the original members of this team are either dead or reincarnated. However, all of the members have been replaced by new ones. Sadly, all of these members died when they suffered the exact same fate as those who came before them. In fact, there's a startling trend of STD-related deaths within the 4Z5 Rainbow Division. It may be the injections that the doctors give them when they first join the group, so that procedure has been taken out of the orientation process.
As of now, the current members of the 4Z5 Rainbow Division include Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Charlie Sheen, that guy from Brooklyn who keeps making improper statements, this guy, the Pope, and anyone who has ever wet themselves when they saw the prescence of cheeseburgers (which would probably be about anyone on the planet).
Even though SAFUS is related to the 4Z5 Rainbow Division, it still does not share the same fate. Sure, all of the members are dead, but no new members have volunteered to take their place. It's probably because anyone who joins SAFUS dies within the first week of joining. People speculate that it may be the work of the training video that is presented to all members before they sign up. Why SAFUS allows people to view the training video before doing anything else, we do not know. What we do know is that the training video must be the cause for so many deaths in such a short span of time...Or it was the injections that were tainted with chloroform, take your pick.
edit Famous Quotes
It has been a well-known fact that TD has a long list of sayings that are idiotic. Much like Bushisms, these statements lack any kind of common sense or grammatical correctness. While most of the recordings requarding these statements are either destroyed or lost, the experts at Uncyclopedia have located a few of these recordings. The following statements are directly taken from these long-lost recordings:
“It has been a long time since the people have gathermitted around the perimeter of my personalities. It has also been a long time since I have speakened to the publics about what my division has been committing.”
“It has been my pleasure to meet with you, Prime Minister. By the way, did you know that the proper way to say elevator is "Vader"? I just found that out when I was watching Star Wars the other day.”
“My loyal men, this is our darkest hour....The toilet paper is missing.”
Aside from his periodical moronic behavior, TD was alright when it came to speaking in public. During his time with the 4Z5 Rainbow Division and SAFUS, TD practiced on his speeches. His speeches became so persuasive that he quickly gained an army of supporters. The cause that these supporters rallied for is still unknown, but most College professors speculate that the cause had something to do with TD's lack of knowledge.
His first speech, although unrecorded, was in front of the 4Z5 Rainbow Division officers. Some say that the speech was intended to wipe out the evil country of Greenland, but most of these claims have come from uncredible sources. At the moment, nobody really cares enough to find out what really happened at the meeting. Most say that it's better to not know, since the speech apparently did nothing to persuade the senior officers of the Division.
The rest of his speeches were also missing. For some reason, all of the recordings were missing. As stated earlier, we have recovered some recordings, but they were only snippets from conversations that didn't seem to change the course of anyone's history. This makes our efforts useless...Oh well.
edit About This Section
The people in this section are subject to the rule of the CIA and NAACP. Anyone else who visits this page will share the same fate.
Also, it is reccomended that you visit these other pages that are tagged on to the names of the users listed. I'm sure they will appreciate all the false information you can provide on them, so the CIA will be confused as to what is actually going on inside this article...Yes, they will never know that the secrets are all kept here...Then again, it wouldn't be suprising if they were behind you...RIGHT NOW!!!
Teehee, made you look.
Uhhhhh........................Who? Honestly, who the hell are these people that keep coming here. I want locations.
He is a person that not many people know well....It's probably for the best.
A stupid man who is obsessed with anything that has to do with Chuck-e Cheese. He think that he is hilarious. Sadly, he is far from that.
Who the hell knows this person? Honestly, this person should've left some kind of message so we can figure out who the hell this is....
This man is not a true OT'er. He should be slapped for being so blatantly uncreative with his username. If you see him, it is customary to kick him in the balls. Hard.
Although this man strongly disagrees with this statement and will try to snuff out any trace of it in a heartbeat due to his horrifying lack of humor. Even though he does constantly disagree with these statements that might seem slanderous to the unfunny, he knows it to be true. Even if this does get snuffed out, you know that this will keep coming up...Just like herpes.
Not much is known about this man...or woman...or shemale..Well, we can't really gather much information at the moment. None of us have enough energy to track down this guy, but I guess we can make up random crap as we go. Just the kind of quality information you can expect from our field experts here at Uncyclopedia.
This man has recognized the awesomeness of this article. Although not much is known about this man....err woman...err platypus...uhhhh...Well, in any case, this entity has provided positive feedback on this article.
Honestly, though....This being might be working for the FBI and will most likely have agents sent over to the homes of all who read this section. However, it is nice to have visitors every now and then.
Nobody care about this person. What he does, says, and....well...I guess it's better if this person remains unknown.
While this man does claim that THE_DRUGGIE has made a comment on the size of his wiener, he has also made claims about killing JFK and Abraham Lincoln. We all know that This man killed both of these people.
Oh, and his weiner is actually pretty average in size.
This user wishes to be as good as TD, but sadly fails.
This reminds this man of a wise saying, spoken by Chuck Norris himself:
"Everything in the universe, from elementary particles and atoms to people, houses, and planets, can be classified into one of two categories: fermions or bosons. The behavior of a particle or group of particles, such as an atom or a house, determines whether it is a fermion or boson. The distinction between these two categories is not noticeable on the large scale of people or houses, but it has profound implications in the world of atoms and elementary particles. Fundamental particles are classified according to whether they are fermions or bosons. Fundamental fermions combine to form atoms and other more unusual particles, while fundamental bosons carry forces between particles and give particles mass.
Ordinary matter makes up all the objects and materials familiar to life on Earth, including people, cars, buildings, mountains, air, and clouds. Stars, planets, and other celestial bodies also contain ordinary matter. The fundamental fermions that make up matter fall into two categories: leptons and quarks. Each lepton and quark has an antiparticle partner, with the same mass but opposite charge. Leptons and quarks differ from each other in two main ways: (1) the electric charge they carry and (2) the way they interact with each other and with other particles. Scientists usually state the electric charge of a particle as a multiple of the electric charge of a proton, which is 1.602 × 10-19 coulombs (C). Leptons have electric charges of either -1 or 0 (neutral), with their antiparticles having charges of +1 or 0. Quarks have electric charges of either +2/3 or -1/3. Antiquarks have electric charges of either -2/3 or +1/3. Leptons interact rather weakly with one another and with other particles, while quarks interact strongly with one another.
All fermions have antiparticles. The antiparticle of an electron is called the positron. The antiparticle of the proton is the antiproton. The antiproton consists of antiquarks—two up antiquarks and one down antiquark. Antiquarks have the opposite electric and color charges of their counterparts. The antiparticles of neutrinos are called antineutrinos. Both neutrinos and antineutrinos have no electric charge or color charge, but physicists still consider them distinct from one another. Neutrinos and antineutrinos behave differently when they collide with other particles and in radioactive decay. When a particle decays, for example, an antineutrino accompanies the production of a charged lepton, and a neutrino accompanies the production of a charged antilepton. In addition, reactions that absorb neutrinos do not absorb antineutrinos, giving further evidence of the distinction between neutrinos and antineutrinos."
Yeah, we don't get it either...Just smile and wave.
Given the presence of the Impaled Northern Moonforest and the Necrowizard, this man had to be added to this list by assumption. Although he never admitted to editing this page, we suspect that he's currently sharpening his Black Metal Axe of Rapedeath to chop virgins in half while playing a deadly guitar solo with his penis.
A glorious topic that gave attention to the article of Gamespot. However, all of the information that was added onto the page for the site has been removed for violations...or because of the Government....Honestly, they have the blame coming to them anyway...
On a side note, the person who made this addition to the article seems to be British.
edit What people really think about him
This poll is for research purposes. The data from this event will be transferred over to the FBI for processing. However, do not tell anyone about this questionare, or we will find you and send you away to a 5-star resort for the rest of your life.
We are not responsible for your overwhelming curiosity.
edit As of June 16, 2007
Most of the people who visit this page are quite partial to pie. Updates about the results will be made whenever the great God feels like it, so tough cookies there.
edit THE_DRUGGIE's list of interests
Likes drinking his own urine and wearing a hat that says "I r ghey"
Likes watching yaoi.
Likes sucking balls.
Likes to post on gamespot (not really).
Likes sucking everything he see's.
Likes the arousal he gets from seeing someone has edited his Uncyclopedia page.
edit Classified Findings
It is very important that nobody finds out about anything in this section. We still do not know why the agents working at the CIA even let us put thisin the article, but we shouldn't dwell on such things , as we might be sacked up and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Anyway, here we go...
THE_DRUGGIE has a total of 5 headshots in his statistics, which show that he sucks with a sniper rifle...or that the people he shoots at have extremely small heads....
Also, he seems to divulge too much information about himself, as this article shows. However, he is still one of our worst agents of all time, so him giving out any information will not be taken seriously by any media outlet. Still, we feel the need to take some precautions just in case some crazy nutjob happens to be by this aticle and actually thinks that he is credible and tries to release any of this information to the public.
Last of all, and avert thine eyes please, he has one of the worst success/fail records that the US Government has ever seen. As of now his record is 1-983-.5, with the .5 being an incident where he accidentally shot the terrorist trying to blow up the White House, but also accidentally shot about 5-99 CIA agents in the process. How he managed to kill so my agents with a single bullet, we still do not know. All we know is that we keep him on the payroll to be a scapegoat when the terrorists attack.
edit How It Was Found
While most of the eyewitnesses deny it, it is said that this information was not found in CIA Headquarters, but an evil lair ruled by an evil madman who wanted the entire world under his control...Wait...That's the same thing, right? Uhhhhh...Yeesh, gimmie a break here, people! Why can't anyone find any interesting information that's related to this discovery!?
...Meh, I guess we should have expected as much. After all, nothing is interesting about TD. Finding interesting information on him would probably break the entire fabric of the universe, causing destruction of everything that is known to man...Well, looking back on it, we should all be thankful that nobody found anything interesting on this subject. It seems that laziness has recused us all!
edit Related Articles
Here is a list of accomplishments acquired over the life of TD:
|User:Ruberduck0123 has awarded you a cookie!|
Now go play in traffic.
| The user seems to be very amused by this page.
Even moreso, this article has way too many templates to have any good info on it...Wait, this site isn't about delivering information...Oh....Uhhh...I guess we can count that as a good thing...Nevermind.