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edit Mine Son, Lionel
A young boy, presumably Lionel, sits on his bed, looking out the window
NARRATOR: The world he couldn't know.
camera slowly advances towards the boy's face as a single tear rolls down his cheek
NARRATOR: The dream, of inspiration.
The boy stands, grabs a toy airplane from his toy shelf
NARRATOR: The loss.. of fortune.
In slow motion the boy throws the airplane out the window
BOY (VOICE OVER): Father, what is war?
Cut to montage clips of guerilla warfare interspliced between the airplane falling to the ground in slow motion
ADULT (VOICE OVER): Have a glass of milk... son.
Cut to clip of adult man (possibly Lionel's father) in hospital bed
ADULT: (to doctor) WHEAT FARMERS AREN'T MEANT FOR HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT YOU ANIMALS!! WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE!!
NARRATOR: This summer...the war is far from over.
MINE SON, LIONEL
A FILM BY PETER BOGDANOVICH
COMING TO SELECT THEATERS JUNE '96
edit The Creature of Planet Cheese
Fade in, erie buzzing -- A wide shot of a strange yellow planet
NARRATOR: On a planet made of Gouda..
cut to scene of the crew looking out a porthole
NARRATOR: A world, bound by Feta, Bleu du Vercors-Sassenage, Provalone and Mozzarella..
cut to the crew, near the main exit hatch
NARRATOR: No one could've predicted, the MONSTER!
CREW MEMBER 1: Men, stay back! No one can say what grave dangers this strange planet holds for us. As you saw on our many dials, knobs and computers, we are many light years from Earth!
screechy stabbing sounds
CREW MEMBER 2: Aw, I'm not scared in the slightest! I'm from Texas!
Second crew member opens the ship's exit hatch
CREW MEMBER 2: AAAAHHH!!!!
THE CREATURE OF PLANET CHEESE
A FILM BY THINKER ST. JAMES
COMING TO BETAMAX CHRISTMAS '98
edit Grass in the Mist
A man sits down in a field of grass.
NARRATOR: This is Skippy Leadwell, the first and only scientist to live among grass for eleven years, doing a comprehensive study of its behavior and social patterns.
SKIPPY: Well, it's been four months since I first approached the grass, and I think they're really, really starting to accept me as one of their own now. It took me a while to win the trust of the leader of the pack (he points to a particularly tall blade of grass), but now I believe I am completely trusted by each and every blade of grass here.
NARRATOR: When Mr. Leadwell died two years ago, the secrets of his eleven-year study presumably died with him. Ever since then, people have wondered...what did he DO?
Cuts to Skippy holding a notebook
SKIPPY: I've done detailed drawings of about half the blades of grass in this field, along with their names and notes on their personalities. It's been loads of fun. I ran out of ink weeks ago, so now I use blood (He pulls out a needle)
NARRATOR: What did he learn?
SKIPPY: You might wonder how I figure out whether a blade of grass is male or female, which is a very good question. I use a highly scientific process referred to as "flipping a coin," which is my preferred technique in identifying the sex of a blade of grass.
NARRATOR: What did he use for toiler paper?
Cuts to a shot of Mr. Leadwell wiping his anus with a live squirrel
NARRATOR: Well, on May 19th, all of those questions will be answered, plus some questions you didn't really want answered!
Cuts to a shot of a naked coroner, peering at the camera.
CORONER: (itching his balls absentmindedly) Well, Leadwell's body was in decent shape, though there were quite a lot of small parasites living inside it. Thankfully, his cute little ass was in perfect shape.
GRASS IN THE MIST
A DOCUMENTARY BY SEMI-NATIONAL FILMS
COMING TO THEATERS MAY 19TH
edit The Boy and his Elbow
Fade in. A young man, TERENCE, is sitting on a park bench.
NARRATOR: He thought he would be lonely forever.
TERENCE: Nobody loves me! Oh, why can nobody ever see past my nine inch nose hair to the caring, sensitive person I really am? (belches loudly)
NARRATOR: But his days of loneliness were coming to an end.
Terence glances down at his elbow.
TERENCE: Say, you're kinda...sexy!
Cut to a scene of Terence running along a beach, gazing at his elbow romantically.
NARRATOR: They thought nothing could interfere with their romance.
Terence walks into a plastic surgeon's office
TERENCE: I want you to operate on me so I can reach my elbow with my mouth!
NARRATOR: Little did they know that ignorance would soon tear their relationship apart.
Cut to Terence approaching his father timidly
TERENCE: Father, I'm going to get married to my elbow! After the wedding, we're going straight to Niagra Falls for our honeymoon!
FATHER: That is out of the question! I arranged a marriage for you at birth, remember!
TERENCE: But I love my elbow, father!
FATHER: I don't care! You're already engaged to your foot!
Cut to a scene of Terence in a hospital bed
NARRATOR: For the first time ever, you too can experience the full power of this classic tale of tragedy on DVD! This two-disc limited edition release is packed with extra features, including 17 sex scenes not actually intended for the original film! Experience the might of this heart-wrenching film over and over again with the entire family!
TERENCE: Where am I?
DOCTOR: You're in the hospital, Terence, I have some tragic news for you. Your elbow...ran off with your other elbow.
THE BOY AND HIS ELBOW
A THADDEUS HARRINGTON-ELLIS FILM (PRODUCED IN ASSOCIATION WITH T.H.E. PRODUCTIONS)
COMING TO STREET CORNERS VIA BOOTLEGGERS NEXT MONTH
edit Udder Kazoo Armpit Mayhem
Fade in, from white, to a black screen.
The screen is black and silent for five minutes.
UDDER KAZOO ARMPIT MAYHEM
DIRECTED BY UNRELATED QUOTES GUY; SOUNDTRACK BY SEAMUS THE DOG
SPECIAL EXTENDED DVD COMING THIS FALL
edit Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women
A plastic-looking spaceship drifts across the screen, dangling by a thick rope in front of a cardboard starscape.
NARRATOR: Just keep saying to yourself, Pete: "you're being paid for this. You're um, being paid for this. AHEM!!!!! Okay, uh...the fut, um...future of.. siiiiigh.. mankind is ah, being decimated. Or decided? It's behind closed doors. Right. Yes, that's correct...All over the um.. siiiiiiigh.. world, s-scientists are working on, vehicles, designed to take uhh, people, beyond the colm-confines of this. Earth.
Cut to a shot of a toothbrush cleverly disguised as a spaceship with some duct tape, glue, and a little sign saying "THIS IS A SPACE SHIP!!!"
NARRATOR: For this, this is.. siiiiigh.. pe-uh-- part of mankind's greatest, um, part of mankind's greatest-t-t-...damn...let me get my reading glasses on...(shuffles around for several seconds)...oh right, his greatest...adventure. And that adventure is: the colonoscopy...colonization, actually...of space. Outer, space. The fantasy...um...you should go see...is a fant-uh, fantasy of the future, that is, which hasn't happened. Because, uh...it's the future. And as you know, the future, well...it hasn't, um, happened. Yet. Someday, we can.. siiiiiigh.. look back on this film like...I don't know...movies about covered wagons, or something. Am I done yet?
The toothbrush ship rockets towards a tennis ball with a picture of Venus stapled on it. Then, it cuts to two men standing in somebody's backyard (that has several paper-mache "Venus rocks" scattered around).
FIRST MAN: I feel sick...OH GOD!!! THE VENUS GASSES ARE GETTING TO US!!!!
SECOND MAN: That doesn't matter! We've got to rescue our comrades who are stranded here! Must...(fifteen second pause)...keep.....(thirty second pause)...moving!
FIRST MAN: (Pointing into the distance, a look of terror on his face) What's that?
Cut to two women lying around on a rock, wearing some abercrombie and fitch jeans that have been smeared with mud so they look prehistoric
SECOND MAN: OH MY GOD!!! PREHISTORIC WOMEN!!!!
NARRATOR: Don't be like your, um, friends. Go out, and see this...flim. Movie.
VOYAGE TO THE PLANET OF PREHISTORIC WOMEN
(It's NOT a porno!)
DIRECTED AND NARRATED BY PETER BOGDANOVICH
COMING TO SELECT WEBSITES JUNE '96
edit Hustle and Tone
Fade in, hip-hop beat plays
NARRATOR: In a hood conspiring to keep him down..
Cut to Thug and Rashawn
THUG: You aint neva gunna be nothin Rashawn!
NARRATOR: With a girl, conspiring to keep him down..
Cut to Rashawn and his girlfriend
GIRLFRIEND: You aint neva gunna be nothin Rashawn!
NARRATOR: In a school, somehow also conspiring to keep him down..
Cut to school office; a number of administrators stand over Rashawn
ADMINISTRATORS: (in unison) You aint neva gunna be nothin Rashawn!
NARRATOR: One man, shall over come it all...through the power, of three-part breathing.
Cut to Rashawn in an excersize studio with a blonde white woman
WOMAN: You could really be something, Rashawn!
Cut to quick shots of Rashawn on an excersize ball, working out intensely
NARRATOR: This Arbor Day.. witness the journey, of a lifetime.
Cut to Rashawn and his Thug friend
RASHAWN: It's Pilates, and it is NOT gay!!
HUSTLE AND TONE
A THADDEUS HARRINGTON-ELLIS FILM (PRODUCED IN ASSOCIATION WITH T.H.E. PRODUCTIONS)
COMING TO IMAX THEATERS ARBOR DAY, '97