User:SysRq/Undecided Voters Exposed: Two Years of WTF
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It doesn't take a news special to tell Americans that we are currently in the grips of an epidemic. We don't need to be told that a slimy, disgusting virus is currently sleeping in our own houses, in our own minds, threatening to strike at any time. We don't need some smart-ass editorial to bring our attention to the worst disease humanity has ever known.
However, you're about to read one anyways. Even though the election is over, we, the media, are not over the election. In an effort to choke out all we can get from this terrible and epic chapter of American history, we present to you this article. This editorial is, of course, about the crippling plague known as the undecided voter.
Being the brave, fearless, and ever-handsome reporter that I am, I spent the last year hunting this wild beast, stalking it, violating federal and state law to get close to it, and strangling it with my bare hands for the sake of journalistic credibility. I would now like to share with you what I found.
edit Prologue: Numbers
Numbers are everywhere. No one likes numbers. But they are necessary to any good documentary, and so I shall make up as many as I have to in order to move on to the good part where that guy throws that chair at that other guy's girl.