User:SysRq/Lyle Crump

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The writing staff at Science Monthly: Weekly Edition would like to wish you and your family a very happy English Day. In honor of the 100 year anniversary of the English language, we have gone through our archives and put together what we feel is an accurate cross section of our second most popular columnist, Lyle Crump.

Lyle first came to The Fishmonger's Tribune in 1987 as a fact checker. When he proved to be rather inadequate at that job, he was "promoted" to the mailroom. Crump got his big break after he was discovered secretly replying to hate mail. His writing talent, acerbic wit, and general tendency to be an asshole earned him a spot as biweekly columnist for Saltwater Taffy Monthly. He has worked at National Geographic ever since, providing witty and painfully sarcastic responses to naive questions about life and love, as well as the hate mail he loves so much.

edit December 21, 1997

“Is it still considered necrophilia if you're dead too?”
~ James C.

edit September 9, 1992

“I recently had sex with my dog and now we don't talk. What should I do?”
~ Matthew M.

edit May 12, 2000

“Do the little holes in the shower head have names? It seems silly to just call them "holes".”
~ Jenna P.

edit January 30, 2002

“Why is it that my pee smells of sugar puffs after every bowl?”
~ Jack B.

edit January 19, 2009

“Can you explain the economic crisis in a way I can understand?”
~ Lexi R.

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