User:SysRq/Christmas Commercialism

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

The hot new product for this holiday season! Sales will be higher than the Star of Bethlehem!

Did you wait until the last minute to do your Christmas shopping? Good! Smart consumers know that the best deals on Christmas gifts come on the day after Thanksgiving. And what better Christmas gift is there than the gift of Christmas Commercialism?

edit Holiday imagery

Spending Christmas with your family. Fireplace glow in the living room. The smell of gingerbread and cinnamon mixed with the scent of freshly cut pine trees. Money. Yes, it's that time of year again: the holiday sale season. Remember, though, the only way your family will only love you if you buy them fantastic gifts from Walmart.

edit Christmas is cheaper at Walmart

Yes, we are cheapening Christmas here at Walmart! All of your holiday essentials, such as Christmas tree lights, cookies, fake trees, wreathes, eggnog, and the gifts that make your family continue to tolerate your habit of smoking while cooking mashed potatoes and then trying to pretend like the ashes in the potatoes are parsley flakes. That's right, you need Christmas Commercialism just as much as we do.

Your family means everything to us. We know that if every Christmas is the best Christmas ever, your children will have the Walmart name tatooed in their brains by the time they leave the house; they'll know where their loyalties lie when they're raising a family of their own. This is the Walmart agenda message: spreading our brand of Christmas Commercialism all over America by infecting your families.

edit What is Christmas Commercialism?

You may not have realized it, little-miss-stay-at-home-mom, but Christmas Commercialism helps just about everybody! You need a cheap way to make your family happy and sprinkle some of that "holiday cheer" into your otherwise monotonous existence. You need the single greatest gift of all that may make your parents love you again after you married a Protestant. Most importantly, you need us.

Meanwhile, we need money.[1] It's that simple. But enough about us.

Christmas Commercialism will make your holiday perfect. This is the one time of the year that no one else will judge you for making an emotional purchase for the sake of being liked. Your children are the most important children in the world. Don't they deserve to be marketed to just like everyone else, especially for this time of year? Filling your house with shrieks of "MOMMYIWANTIT!!!": that's what Christmas is all about.


A loyal temp, hired just this week, about to be trampled. We will not miss him, because we did not train him.


Yes, you want Christmas Commercialism. Why? Because you want stuff. You want to buy enormous TVs, GPSs,[2] iPhones,[3] and shitty computers. Most of all, you want Christmas Commercialism: the hot new product this holiday season! We know Christmas Commercialism will make this the best Christmas ever. And we know that you'll do anything to get it.

Let's face it: the holiday season is a warzone. You've got to go in with a warrior mentality. The battlefield is swarming with the enemy. The prize is fantastic savings. Nothing else matters. If you have to trample a few of our fine employees that we hired for the holiday season, that's fine. Collateral damage. It can't be helped. You don't have time to pick the pieces of skull out of your flip-flops after you've just curb-stomped the temp that was opening the door.

edit Gold, myrhh, francinsense, Christmas Commercialism

Where do you think those wise men shopped when they wanted to get some last minute gifts at the best prices of the holiday season? They brought the sweet lord baby Jesus the greatest gift of all: Christmas Commercialism. Since that magical first Christmas, even Jesus knew that Christmas was always about terrific savings. Get the greatest gift of all for the little baby Jesus in your life. Get them Christmas Commercialism.

edit Notes

  1. Not really, we just like it a lot.
  2. Why do you buy these? More importantly, why do we think you buy these?
  3. Okay, no one knows why you buy these.
Personal tools