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“Can one man really have that many shitty days?”
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edit Early life
As a child, Bauer competed in hide and seek at a national level. Bauer cheated by gettting an infant Chloe O'Brian to hack into Peekaboo, the world's first spy satellite, using only open source software. This was quite a feat as Linux sucked even more back then than it does now.
edit Notable achievements
- Jack Bauer once got Helen Keller to talk. She said "please stop breaking my fingers, I am deaf".
- Got Kent Hovind to admit that Creationism is a scam dreamt up by the Creationists United with Numerologists, The Scientologists, and The Flat-Urthers (CUNT-STFU).
- Bauer once ran in to Al Gore at a petting zoo. Without Jack having to do anything, Gore burst into tears, apoligised for inventing the internet and admitted that there's no such thing such as global warming. In fact, the earth is getting cooler.
- Quit heroin in one day.
- Chess match with Chuck Norris. Bauer won 6-4, 5-2, 7-9 in straight sets.
- In under five minutes, Bauer got President Clinton to admit that he "did have sexual relationships with that woman", as well as confessing that he has an attraction for ugly women.
- Bauer is a member of Wikipedia's Counter Vandalism Unit.
- Invented the tricycle.
edit Current goings on
President George W. Bush recently tried to contact Bauer to politely ask him why he has not yet apprehended Osama bin Laden but could not get hold of Bauer as no-one knows where he is (Bauer is currently being held captive on Chinese ship). Bauer is expected to stay on the ship until the spring season start. At that time he will likely kill everyone in China and proceed to North Korea to work as a consultant on their anti-terrorist program. It is expected that this will take him around 24 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds (including add breaks). He will then proceed to capture Osama bin Laden before politely explaining to Bush not to pressure him for time (by breaking some of Bush's fingers).
edit How to survive Jack Bauer
Historians estimate that of the 1,337 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly 3.1 have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover and if I can't see you, you can't see me. Both of these have proved ineffective.
Here are the top strategies given by experts today:
- Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
- Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all time increases your chances of not dying.
- Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
- Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious mintues to take that cianide pill.
edit Notable quotes
“Previously on 24!”
“I think he really doesn't know”
“There is no time!”
“What did you think of this article? You and I both know you are going to tell me.”