User:Syndicate/Jack Bauer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
“Can one man really have that many shitty days?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jack Bauer
Radioactive symbol The following should be read in real time
Jack Bauer Red Sky

Jack Bauer. In the background the rosey glow of a nuclear holocaust can be seen.

Jack Bauer (pronounced BOW-ehr) is a British-American anti-terrorist special agent and all-round person you don't want to piss off.

edit Early life

As a child, Bauer competed in hide and seek at a national level. Bauer cheated by gettting an infant Chloe O'Brian to hack into Peekaboo, the world's first spy satellite, using only open source software. This was quite a feat as Linux sucked even more back then than it does now.

edit Notable achievements

edit Current goings on

President George W. Bush recently tried to contact Bauer to politely ask him why he has not yet apprehended Osama bin Laden but could not get hold of Bauer as no-one knows where he is (Bauer is currently being held captive on Chinese ship). Bauer is expected to stay on the ship until the spring season start. At that time he will likely kill everyone in China and proceed to North Korea to work as a consultant on their anti-terrorist program. It is expected that this will take him around 24 hours, 0 minutes, 0 seconds (including add breaks). He will then proceed to capture Osama bin Laden before politely explaining to Bush not to pressure him for time (by breaking some of Bush's fingers).

edit How to survive Jack Bauer

Historians estimate that of the 1,337 people to have interacted with Bauer, roughly 3.1 have survived. Many books have been written on how to increase one's chances of not dying when encountering Bauer. Initial strategies included the good old duck and cover and if I can't see you, you can't see me. Both of these have proved ineffective.

With the improvement of computer power, many human lives have been saved by running simulations on how to survive instead of sending interns to test theories.

Stfu teller

Penn Teller on what not to do when you encounter Bauer.

Here are the top strategies given by experts today:

  1. Talk. You know you are going to eventually and the sooner you start the more unbroken fingers you will have afterwards. Go ahead and tell him who hired you, where you hid the gas canisters, that you cry after ejaculating and that sometimes you just need someone to tell you that you are special.
  2. Kill yourself. Numerous people have found that carrying a cyanide pill at all time increases your chances of not dying.
  3. Talk. We can't stress this enough. If you really don't know make something up. Tell him you are working for Bill Gates or that your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend has the access codes.
  4. Claim that you don't speak English. Bauer will have to wait for a translator, giving you precious mintues to take that cianide pill.

edit Notable quotes

200px-Elisha GND

Bauer's daughter Kim, unfortunately shown with clothes. If you have picture of her without clothes, please send it to me.

“Previously on 24!”
~ Jack Bauer on 24
“I think he really doesn't know”
~ Jack Bauer on George Bush
“There is no time!”
~ Jack Bauer on time
“Amateurs”
~ Jack Bauer on Abu Ghraib
“DAMNIT AUDREY!”
~ Jack Bauer on Audrey
“What did you think of this article? You and I both know you are going to tell me.”
~ Jack Bauer on breaking your fingers

edit See also

Personal tools
In other languages
projects