User:Suresh/Texas Jew boys

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Texas Jewboys.

“They ain't makin' Jews like Jesus anymore”
~ Oscar Wilde on Texas Jew boys

The Texas Jewboys was an infamous band of orthodox Jewish train robbers and livestock thieves that roamed around in the middle west in late 1870's.


Some Texas Jewboys at work, stealing cattle

edit Members

By time growing to an entire clan, the original hard core of the Texas Jewboys consisted of Rabbi Benjamin Shtupveglrichtikeh, his three momzer sons, Adam, plotzy Herch and little Job and their bastard cousin Kinky.

edit Background

The History of the Texas Jew boys starts in springtime 1866 when an early caravan of Jewish bezetsers on their way to bags Utah before the Mormons. West of river Mississippi on their way to Dallas they lost their track completely, preparing themselves for a forty year long wandering through the plains of the middle West in search of the promised claim, clan leader Benjamins wife Irit died from a traumatic feeling of Deja-vu. Derpived of the only caravan member that could cook a tasty kreplach, the Jew Brothers reluctantly decided to give up the Dream of a mormone free Utah and instead go haunting for some kosher game.

edit Livestock theft

Uncle benjamin

Rabbi Benjamin, undisputed leader of the Texas Jewboys Pack

After some time of cathing nothing but snakes, dogs, horses, oysters, cats, rabbits, eels, rats, crabfish, shellfish, 24 forbidden spieces of fowl, more horses, spiders , apes and a year supply of frech gourmet restaurant escargots soathed in garlic, The Texas Jewboys decided they had to take on stealing cattle in order not to starv to death.

The cathed horses now came in handy, since the Jew Brothers badly needed to learn to ride, not so much in order to catch stray cattle, as to ride away from the following posses. Soon being Wanted in 4 states for cattle theft, the Jew Brothers tore out a few stripes from the Torah accepting the criminal path for a living. Once there they soon found out more profitable ways than a lasso and a counterfeit branding iron could offer them.

edit Train Robbery

Not unlike other villains, Texas Jewboys on their criminal career then took on train robbery. Prepared with guns and rifles for self protection the tough train drivers of the praire did not fear neither injuns nor hooligans. But for shnorrors like them Jew Boys they had not much protectein.

The Jew boys used to stop the trains by large walls of heaped up stones over the train tracks. Once the train was stopped they emerged from all directions around the stranded train carcas to prey on its passanger. Whimping , moaning and complaining about their great misfortunes as chosen ones they effectively scrounged the wagons for every ounce of rachmonis that could be shaken out from the travelling land prospectors, security agents and bar flies heading for the glorious west. This form of robbery soon proved as lucrative as hard to stop by legal means, which made them Jew boys ready to hastily move over to the next step of developement.

edit Bank Robbery


Charming chassidan cheater, Adam Jewboy saddling his horse

The financial surplus from the train robberies now turned the Jew Boys greedy eys towards the banks. Attacking the finance sector was just a natural continuation of the usurpation of the transport industry.

But unless other bank robbers the Jew Boys questioned them selves: Where is the greater profit? Can more juice be squeezed by robbing banks or by owning them?

The answer to the second question is given, so instead of robbing banks, the Jewboys started new ones to more efficiently rob the customers. Taking interest by a brother declared a sin in Talmud and claiming anyone their brother the Jewboys with their train robbery loot started the first interest free Jewbank in the middle west. Word spread and customer emerged from everywhere happy to be able to borrow money at 0 % interest. Plus that $ 100 start administration fee and the invoice fee of $ 10 on each payment. And the abligatory valuation cost of $ 150 on real estate security. Plus another 50 for each guarantor examintation. And the little tenner for the ink and paper the contract was signed on, not to forget the start fee of $20 for the deposit account for repayment and the extra fine of each reminder and the personal serviceman contribution of $ 18,50 per month upon the bank local entrance fiver. When the Jewbrother bank finally added an additional fee of $ 7.50 for leaving the bank aggrevated bank customers started to lodge complaints to the Government only to be answered by the boys at the Jewbank that making complaints by tradition really was their own department.

edit Gambling

Meanwhile handsome Adam, the scamp of the Jewboy family had started an own career as poker player at the local saloons. His charming manners let him get away with a lot in crtical situations. Especially famous is the game in Albequerque where he used the tale of David and Goliat to convience Wyatt Earp that a pair of Kings could beat four Aces, his reputation rapidly declined for advocating that by numerological reasons every pot greater than $ 100 must be won by a player whose name begun with an a.

On sevaral occations, stout brother Hersch had to come to his resque . It was then discovered that the slow minded Hersch mighty body weight had a somewhat pacifying effect on aggrevated antagonists. It was often enough for Herst just to wave with his big arms and mention his good relations to the Smiths & Wesson company for others to change to a more complianct opinion. This was really convenient, since the Jewboys past adventures now were beginning to catch up on them. they clearly had their up-comings coming.

edit Extorsion


Troubled peacefighter Hersh Jewboy in seach for a new Saloon to pacify

On the increasing aggression from dissatisfied bank customers and poker players, the Jewboys reasoned like this: Since we are anyway getting the blame for all the chattzerai in the world - just the same - why not take the credit for it?

Rabbi Benjamin ordered Herst to set up the worlds first jewish missionary group. The mission was hovever not to make the goyims turn their backs to the Church, but to make them hand over their wallets to the Synagogue.

Hersh gang of merry extorter were set out to pacify every infidel saloon from Forth Worth to Albaquerque. This was usually done with a little shooting and shouting, combined with a strong rope between a horse-span and the bearing pillars of the resident of some of the more stubborn bar owners. The effect was so immense that Hersh and his gang with time had just to mention their presens in order to start the cashflow. Knowing that a successful persuation do not have to contain an actual use of weaponry - just the threat of it - the Jewboys decided to continue their mob activity by mere advertisements

Their first message to be painted with pig blood on saloon doors and restaurants was

The next time you hesitete to pay protection and respect 
to the Texas Jew boys, remember what the Jews did to Jesus the 
shlimazel Christ. And let that be a lesson to you!

This messages really had effect, and money started to fill up the pushke much more easily during Hersh's and his gangs collection rounds. After some calculation though, Rabbi Benjamin found that the cost for pig blood at large suberseeded the incomes from protection, so for the futue something drastic hade to be done. The conviencing message on the doors were fis changed to

The next time you hesitete to pay protection, 
remember what the Jews did to Jesus.

and after some mor calculations

Remember what the Jews did to Jesus!

to finally end up with

Remember Jesus!

At this point, although the profits from the extorsion business skyrocketed, the Jewboys somewhat started to lose their faith. When little Job finally refused to celebrate Shabbat and forced so silently whistled christian hyms for himself, Rabbi Benjamin decided that something drastic hat to be done. And Jobs whistling bore fruit - why not try the most profitable business of them all - the music industry.

edit Music

Kinky friedman

Kinky Jewboy

The field of music soon became a profitable playing groung for Kinky, who had kept a low profile during the Jewboys criminal career. With Little Job on the accordion, Hersh on drums, Adam on lead guitar, Pappa Benjamin on bass guitar and him self singing and acoustic guitar the Jewboys, Kinky lead the texas Jewboys to finally be recognized as the most popular Country & Western band in Texas. With hits such as:

  • O vey, O vey o vey o vey
  • Havana girl'sa
  • Stay by your Rabbi
  • A boy named Sara
  • Temple Mountain High
  • Lamenting angel

They have forever written their way into the music history

edit Settlement


The famous Jewboy ranch- in the midst of the Navaho territory

The Jewboy clan finally invested their incomes from the music industry by bying the Finanza mansion in central Oklahoma. It now turned out that they themselves had been exposed to a real estate scam, since Finanza was set in the middle of the Navaho nation on their special holy burial ground. The Navaho tribe had not been informed of any sell out and subsequently and repeatedly attacked the Jewboys mansion. The Jewboys, clever as alvays, first started to procect themselves by building a palisade around their mansion, but finding this a bit unfair, since really it was the darned injuns that should be locked in, expanded their ambition to build a palisade around the entire Navaho reservate. However successful, this last deed of the Jewboys so financially and physically broke their bones that they exceeded from ghistory, never again heard of, but never entirely forgotten.

edit Kukn Oykh

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