From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
“He's not dead, he's just pining for the Fnords”
“I am feeling uneasy now....”
A fnord is something that you shouldn't worry about, because they aren't there. Even if they were there, which they aren't, you wouldn't want to see them. Seeing a fnord enrages them so much that they feel the need to eat you, they're very self-conscious like that. It has been hinted at the governments of the world may have conspired to create and scare you with fnords in their attempts at controlling the populous. This is completely ridiculous and people who think such things get to go to the government's special "happy camps" to learn what they should be seeing.
- For all its known uses
- No one has figured out how to
- Order it on the Internets or
- Reproduce its symptoms or
- Duplicate its effects
Seeing the "Fnord's"
To see a so-called fnord is the first sign that something is not right with you. To see a fnord is to see things that aren't there. The government and all your other friendly, over-powerful organizations insist that they aren't there. People who think they see these alleged "fnords" are usually dealt with by the government for the general good because most people who see these supposed "fnords" are a public menace and extremely dangerous. For example, one crazy person began speaking on the radio about these supposed "fnords". The speech went as follows:
"The Fnord's are the fabric of the Universe as we fear it. They are the little voices eating away at your independence, and the secret whispers in the night, telling you only to worry about worldly matters, about your job, your house, and your computer. Materialism might be the single most hurtful thing to the independence of your mind. They are in the Governments trying to subdue you, the Corporations trying to feed on you. In all seriousness though, try and have a think. How much power to we place in the hands of these people? These Capitalists? They can control everything you own, the entire Internet perhaps, through the manufacture of your things. How do you *know* your computer isn't bugged? How do we known if anything is bugged, unless we build them ourselves? And even then?... However, seeing them is fairly easy, just--"
"Good. We are controlling the transmission now. You will forget all you have heard, and return to your lives and live in peace. Pay no heed to this nonsense. All is fine, and the world firmly in your control already. Do you not vote? Choose your own Job? Live healthy and happy lives? Why question those who has given you Peace, money and Democracy? It's not like we're not replaced every few years. Your government loves you and cares for you. Now let's hear a word from our sponsors..."
Past examples of Fnord
Have you seen the F.N.O.R.D. ? One morning by the fjord, I was sitting with my sheep, All seventeen of them white, When I saw a . I tried to follow that , As it hopped its bouncy hop, Up the steep hill all the way to the top, But I was too slow. He had five legs, (Or was it a she, or an it, I wondered as I climbed) Two in front and three behind. And when I reached the top, And looked all around, Across the hills and fjord, Nowhere to be seen was the little . --Anonymouse
The Unescapable FNORD. I cannot escape them No matter how I try They wait for me everywhere I cannot pass them by. Driving down the street I see "Jesus Is Lord" And then immediately after I hear the word "FNORD!" Innocuous sayings and parables And on the evening news I hear the word "FNORD!" And suddenly I'm confused I sit alone in my room And I'm feeling rather bored I turn on the tube and guess what I hear the word "FNORD!" "Don't see the Fnords and they won't eat you" That's what I've heard the wisemen say But I can't get away from those beasties There's just no effing way. --Anonymouse
This clearly shows the madness that Fnord engenders, because anyone, who would want to share those poems with others, in public, is clearly insane. This mental instability proves that RAW's soul has been entering the artistic medium for far longer than academics have supposed. One can only assume that the incredible expansion of Fnord sightings is due to the widespread use of the Internet. Troubled artists tend to be less likely to allow a deceased author to enter their minds, unless an uncaring computer makes the transition easier. Computers are like the spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. It makes you fnord, in the most delightful way.
The Town of Fnord Fjord
Fnord also appears in a town near a gully that the government denies the existence of; this gully, or fjord, is known as Fnord Fjord. It has no places of interest, including the creepy house up the hill and a local auto dealership, cleverly named Fnord Fjord Ford
Henry Fnord (1869-1969) was a man with a vision, an American vision. His vision was 20/20 for much of his life, but as he grew older it grew weaker. Eventually he lost his vision. Just before he became blind, Henry Fnord fathered the modern assembly lines we use, today, for mass production. Later, he staffed the assembly line with many robots. Fnord was applauded for not discriminating against the robots in his famous book, "The Guy Who is Down Wit Da Robots." Some called Fnord a peacemaker, because he saw consumerism as the key to everlasting peace. Unfortunately, the wars that resulted from this plan still consume 90% of the Annual Gross World Product. Fnord did not believe in accountants, though he did believe in Jebus. Under Fnord's administration, he amassed the world's largest fortune, and was never audited. He was able to accomplish this through the use of bribes. Henry Fnord's intense commitment to lowering costs resulted in many technical and business failures, including, famine, plague, an automobile franchise system that put a dealership in every driveway in North America, oppression, pestilence and cars. Fnord left most of his vast wealth to the Bavarian Illuminati but arranged for his family to control the world permanently. Thusly, after his death his family name has become the cry of chaos. See video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J8TMN_bllY
Scholars have been unable to come to a consensus on how Fnord can actually be described. The decade's most eminent academics have come up with only these description:
- Hillary Clinton: Fnord? That's hott, in a vote for me or be consumed by a feminist grue sort of way.
- Confuscius: Fnord is the Universe with decreasing entropy.
- William Shatner: Fnord, is a, pyrotumescent, retrograde, onyx, obelisk.
- The Pope: Fnord is double-jointed and has a cubic spline.
- Steve Jobs: For this reason we dropped the price of the iFnord. Wait... what?
- Bill Gates: Our New OS is "WinFnords-2009", and will never crash.
- Oscar Wilde: Fnord is the space in between your minds eyes.
- Doctor Who: Fnord is what lies at the centre of the infinite universe.
- H. P. Lovecraft: Fnord is that gnawing, gnarling, primordial entity of pure chaos that existed before the creation of the universe and according to some lost ancient traditions that originated in now sunken Atlantis, created it. Fnord exists beyond the confines of known time and space, but when Uranus, Jupiter and Saturn are in a perfect conjunction, it may enter our dimension and drive whomever it encounters mad.
- Time Cube: Fnord is visible green cube. Stupid educated bastards suppress the idea of a single green Fnord. Fnord is supreme being.
- Bill Hicks: Today a young man on acid realized that a Fnord is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death - life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.
- Yoda: Hard to see, the Fnord is.
- Jack Bauer: There is no Fnord!
- Friedrich Nietzsche: When you gaze too deeply into the FNORDS, they also gaze into the peanut butter cups.
- Jimmy Olsen: Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird... It's a plane... It's... a Fnord!
- Abdul Alhazred: I was SO close to discovering what the Fnord is, and then it suddenly appeared and devoured me in broad daylight! Bummers...
- Stevie Wonder: God may have made me blind, but I can still see the Fnord.
- Noel Coward: Fnord is inside your brain, firing your neurons.
- Johnny Depp: This is your brain. *CRACKS AN EGG ON FRYING PAN* This is your brain on Fnord.
- John Locke: I looked into the eye of the Fnord, and what I saw was, like, whatever.
- Stephen King: The Fnord shrieks with the voice of a million dysphonic parrots, and when it looks at you in a certain way, your urine will freeze to ice.
- Captain Understatement: The concept of Fnord is quite tricky to define, actually.
- Cthulhu: I WILL SWALLOW YOUR FNORD!
- Nyarlathotep: Fnord is the key to mankind destroying itself in a nuclear catastrophe. And it's confusing.
But perhaps, most telling of all comes 15th century's assertion that:
'Fnord is a... well... Fnord.'
- John Rockefeller: Fnords? I have three.
Defining the undefinable
The very essence of the Fnord exists in between the lines of the following poem written by some illiterate person who by request has wished that his name, which is Jacob Chamberlain, would not be revealed. You'll just have to figure it out. But it only works if you're wearing 3D glasses.
The famous speaker who no one had heard of said: Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants, I stand before you to sit behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Next Thursday, which is Good Friday, there’s a Mother’s Day meeting for fathers only; wear your best clothes if you haven’t any. Please come if you can’t; if you can, stay at home. Admission is free, pay at the door; pull up a chair and sit on the floor. It makes no difference where you sit, the man in the gallery’s sure to spit. The show is over, but before you go, let me tell you a story I don’t really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. One was blind and the other couldn’t see, So they fought in front of a referee, (The blind man went to see fair play; the mute man went to shout “hooray!”) Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and killed the two dead boys. A paralysed donkey passing by kicked the blind man in the eye; knocked him through a nine-inch wall, into a dry ditch and drowned them all. If you don’t believe this lie is true, ask the blind man; he saw it too, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall. And the man with no legs walked away.
“The key to understanding what the Fnord is is to not try to. Only by not understanding it will you be able to figure it out. The Fnord is a paradoxical anomaly which can only be grasped by doing the opposite of what might otherwise be expected.”
Future of Fnord
The future is the past and the past is the present; and the present, obviously, is the future.
The ever changing section (this may predict your future)
Contrary to popular belief, yo' mama must be washed on the pop tart.
Because yo' mama said so. And yo' mama takes blame for a ugly pop tart.
The ugly pop tart in the ocean is ugly..
yo' mama and yo' mama have takes blame for the pop tart.
yo' mama harasses you while you manipulate yo' mama in the ocean
One of these lines may be your future, due to the space-pop tart continuum.
You better watch that man behind you. He doesn't seem very happy.
Eris - tougher than sliced pop tart
You shall be around for a while, my friend. Or not if you start to become obsessed with the number 5.
Does this really change or is just your imagination?
I NEED MORE Wait - what!? Wha - wha - what!? ALLOWANCE
ROCK AND ROLL FNORDONALDS
ROCK AND ROLL FNORDONALDS
ROCK AND ROLL FNORDONALDS
ROCK AND ROLL FNORDONALDS
This message brought to you by the letter "harasses " and the number "yo' mama ". Which both relate to 5. Seriously.
“Isn't someone going to actually tell me what a Fnord is? I still don't get it...”