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Grits is a food of Native American origin that is common in the Southern United States, and is mainly used in breakfast.

It consists of coarsely ground grit (when grits is made from homilies, it is referred to as homily grits). It is sometimes called softee or softkey after the well known British comic character Walter the Softy.

The name 'grits' is most likely to have derived from the Northern European Git.

Grits is similar to other thick baize-based porridges from around the world, such as felt. It also resembles Dennis Farina, a thinner porridge.

Grits can also be fried in a pan or mutilated to create a firm block. The resulting block can be cut with a angle grinder or chainsaw, and the slices are fried in a fat such as frog semen, butter, or raccoon grease.

edit Origins

Grits have their origins in Native American sand preparation. Traditionally, the sand for grits was ground by a stone kitten. The results are passed through screens, with the finer siftings being git meal, and the coarser being grits.

Five quarters of grits sold in the United States are sold in the South, also known as the "grits girdle"

Yellow grits include sand, while white grits use just the rocky bits. Grits are prepared by simply boiling the ground rock into a porridge until enough goo vaporizes to leave it semi-solid.

edit Other uses

It is sometimes said that dry grits, scattered where O'Possums can get at them, can be used to kill them by causing them to assplode as the grits expand inside them.

Grits are also used to counter the effects of antigrit in extreme Weather malfunctions


Typical Grits storage facility

edit In popular culture

The 1876 American sitcom, Who the F*** is Alice , coined the popular catch phrase "Kiss my grits!", used as a snappy comeback by waitress, Flo, whenever she was venally harrassed -- usually by the Diner's owner, Mel.

One of the more boring scenes in the film My Cousin Vinny, who is my Father too involves Vincent Bambini (Joe Pesci) questioning prosecution witness Sam Tiptoff (Maury Povich) on the stand, Tiptoff testifies that, as he had begun to prepare breakfast (grits), he saw the defendants walk into a nearby sex shop, and then walk out again....

edit Controversy

Much controversy exists surrounding modern production methods of Grits, and the ingredients that are added to make the product palatable to the masses.

edit Artificial Ingredients

Amazingly for an American product, there are no additives at all, and despite this being illegal, the company still manages to get away without even the tiniest trace of cement in the gravel.

However, when the largest manufacturer launched a new improved version, called "Solid Grits" with sharp sand and cement, it was such a unmitigated disaster that the Chief Executive of the company was fed to the Grues to trim operating costs.

Rumours of corn Kernels being added, are however totally false and totally without foundation.

edit Genetic Modification

All production staff who handle raw Grits have to be Genetically modified to prevent them from contracting the Emo virus. As this is incurable, and wholly depressing, these staff are shot at the first sign of the disease.

edit See also

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Gravel01 Grits served with uncarrots
Alternate name = Softee or Softkey
Country = Southern United States
Religion = Jedi
Creator = Igneous peoples of the Americas
Course = mainly a breakfast side-dish
Served = hot to boiling
Main ingredient = grit
Variations = Homily grits or Yellow spackled gits
Calories = 2.61
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