User:Squishy-Beaver

“If it moves, shoot it. If it moves again, shoot it again. If it moves a third time, run like hell because you just pissed off something that you can't kill.”
~ Squishy-Beaver on guns
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you're a mile away and have their shoes.”
~ The wisdom of Ben Stein (A little off topic) on criticism

Squishy-Beaver (Born August 20, 1992) is a sexy, cool, intelligent, comedic, fantastic, terrific, super-duper, sexy, cool, fucking sweet user for Uncyclopedia and has been

Rated R:

• Excessive Violence
• Excessive Language
• Minimal Drug Use
• Partial Nudity
• Excessive Awsomeness

editBackground

Born in Miami, a commonwealth of Cuba (commonly known as North Cuba), the Beaver is a Cuban-American, and is thus an immigrant. Being an immigrant, he is a terror to our country, the biggest, baddest fucking thing on the planet.

From 1994-1998 he was a loose-cannon cop who didn't play by the rules. After retiring from 21 years of service, he choose to continue beating up smelly Puerto Ricans, Miami's biggest threat (Not Cubans as commonly mistaken). In 2000, controversey arose on how he retired with 21 years under his belt if he served from 1994-1998. Further suspicions arose when it was revealed that he was born in 1992, making him 17 at his time of joining the cops, well under the legal limit of cop-ness. A mathematical formula could be used to deboggle this boggle:

$1998-1992+2000+11^12=1337$

After the formula was presented to the media, everyone shut up and ate delicious Tostitos nachos. He currently resides in the Playboy Mansion.

editViews

editBono

“The worst person in the world to be stuck on an island with would be Bono, because when you gather up all the food to survive, he says it would be for the children in Africa. Thats when he would die”
~ Squishy-Beaver on Bono

editMike Huckabee

“The best person in the world to be stuck on an island with would be Mike Huckabee, because when you gather up all the food to survive, he says it would be for the children at church. Thats when I would die for him”
~ Squishy-Beaver on Mike Huckabee

editBill Clinton

“The coolest person in the world to be stuck on an island with would be Bill Clinton, because when you gather up all the food to survive, he says we should smoke it together. Thats when I would live”
~ Squishy-Beaver on Bill Clinton

editControversy

The above comment, said at a private party in New Zealand caused controversey among black people who felt the comment was a racist jab by Squishy-Beaver since Bill Cliton was the first black president, and the comment vividly descibes he and Clinton in the process of doing bad things, which black people never ever do.

editHillary Clinton

“That lady is a fucking whore”
~ Squishy-Beaver on Hillary Clinton

editStevie Nicks

“She's sounds like a goat, she practices witchcraft and she murdered a 12-year old boy. She's okay.”
~ Squishy-Beaver on Chinese women

editGaming List

The Beaver has a great taste in games. Infact, a fantastic taste in games. So shut up and listen, negro man.

• Civilization IV
• Call of Duty IV
• Elder Scrolls III
• Guitar Hero III
• Assassin's Creed I

The Beaver's list was so freaking great that he was awarded the Medal of Honor for valiant courage, greatness, and badassedness in the field of video game lists. He was also awarded the Silver Star and the Navy Cross. The French Foriegn Legion was to award him with the Petite' Le Grange Al Fuerte Puerco En La Cocina, which roughly translates into Good Job Award. Squishy-Beaver however, refused that the award be given to him by French and the title was switched to Mexico. When Squishy-Beaver also refused to recieve the award from Mexicans it was switched to Hawaiians. When Squishy-Beaver refused to receive the award from smelly Hawaiians, it was made clear that Colin Powell would be presenting him with the award. At the last moment, Beaver changed his mind since he realized that a black guy rewarding him could cause nothing but trouble and Ronald Regan was set to give him the award. When the former president died before the presentation, the president after him, Jimmy Carter, was set to reward Beaver with the award once and for all. Beaver did not appreciate the unreasonable demands that the awards association were giving him and demanded that the award be delivered in fiery chariots with magical trumpets playing "Eye of the Tiger", and finally given to him by God himself. At the last minute, God cancelled due to his son, Jesus, needing chaperoning at a school field trip. Flustered, the award presentation had the chariots, trumpets, but no God. Instead the award was given to Squishy-Beaver by local egocentric fucktard Iggy Pop. Not satisfied, Beaver demanded a formal apology from the awards association. When he recieved none he realized that this all started with a game list that he posted on Uncyclopedia. Sad.

editPages

The Beaver has made a number of pages on Uncyclopedia including: