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Metallica, also known as Metallicock, Lick My Beef, The Steel Licker's Union, Sandy & Andy's Sexual Adventures and Cuntystab, is a band that plays Serbian rock and/or country Arabian rap music. Iron Maiden, also a very popular band, got started when they heard Metallica for the first time. Although they have once been quoted as saying Metallica's music was "the best thing they had ever heard", a representative for the band says they have since changed their opinion about Metallica after hearing the worst album ever recorded - "St. Anger" - which unfortunately saw the light of day in 2003.
The name MetallicA is inspired by the Lebanese Guitarist RamitallicA in z early 80s... (AKA Rami Khoury, Kirk Hammet's Guitar Tutor)
They hate the internet and support George Dubya Bush, they are republicans by heart, and supported MTV during the rock wars 2069. Unfortunately, while at the moonbase, during the wars, their heads were smashed into pieces. But even without heads they grew new ones because they are psychoapocalypses. Also meaning lizard poeple. But they were captured, by General Slash, and had their minds reprogrammed into the band that will be known as the greatest metal band ever. It is also the term for the taste of Beer that comes out of a can. They also are a bluegrass band, who have the honor of being the biggest sell-outs since NWA. Lars Ulrich commented "Do we get laid for this?" Metallica are also widely known for uninventing guitars and heavy metal with later experiment with various of genre such as Texy-Mextal(Tex-Mex + Heavy Metal) , Folkcore , Grindster Rap , Black Gospel ElectroGlass (Electronic+BlueGrass) etc. and also claimed to have created a new heavy metal genre by the name of "Lebanese Saucepan Metal".
Metallica, not to be mistaken for Trivium, released St. Anus which stayed at number 1 for 2 neo-seconds in 2 countries. This is amazing due to the fact that the songs are just random strumming and trash cans being banged by a dyslexic chimp repeatedly with repeated lyrics for a good 7-15 minutes; James sings about being an invisible good boy, and painting fences using oil-based paint and turpentine. This proves that no matter what one releases, if you're a name-brand, you can make billions by putting out any old phaff. But then again, after listening to the songs closely, except for ST. PISSED THE FUCK OFF you will realize the depth that the lyrics have, whether or not it's their worst album produced, the riffing is distinctly Metallica... and there's some Donny Osmond in there as well, so your mother would get a kick out of listening to poop, ...i mean St Anger.
Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pinnacle of what is now known as the world famous 'bang the trash' technique. Whereas those before and after him became respected drummers by practicing and getting better, Ulrich took the 'never work too hard because you're in an overrated band so everyone will think you're a drumming God' approach. Ulrich is so good at this technique, in fact, that he can perform it during an entire show. Or even while driving a car.
There has always been a large debate over what Metallica's best song is: Frantic or Purify? Unfortunately, due to some strange trash can sounds that appear every time one listens to either song, the debate still rages on.
In 1991 Metallica released the death metal album "The Black Album" a.k.a. The Black Album Cover That We Totally Did Not Rip Off From Those Dudes Spinal Tap (or T.B.A.C.T.W.T.D.N.R.O.F.T.D.S.T. for short). It was received as the heaviest album of all time, almost 3,4 tons... not many copies were sold due to the heaviness and the lack of something remotely original.
Throughout their career, they have always been too lazy to give songs real names. Hence every new song they write is named "The New Song", and nobody bothers to change it when they write another one. The apparent laziness had reached a new level in 2006 when they released their "Other New Song" entitled "WHOOAAA WHOOOOAAOOO(WHOOOOOAA WHOOOOAA)", in which they were too lazy to even write lyrics for the song. Singer James Hetfield attributes it to this; "We're being original and a step ahead of every other band. Thinking outside the trashcan, we raise the bar for the whole metal genre...mmmyyeeeaaaahhh!!!"
Recently the new sober guys from Metallica got a new bassist right from the jungles of Africa, from the newly found gorilla-man species. He was offered the bass and his salary is unbelievably high: 1 ton of bananas a day.
edit File Sharing Controversy
When the not so amazing drummer, Lars Ulrich found out that Metallica songs were being shared in a music-sharing site when he was downloading drumming instructional videos, he went out with his 40 billion dollar Metallica empire and spent it learning how to "hook," (A common form of Whoring)
edit But Was Their Music All 'That' Good?
Yes. It was the epitomy of orgasmic masturbation.
edit Member Controversy
Yeah they had a few homosexual experiments here and there, but still...
While making St. Anger the flames between Lars and James started to really burn. Understanding that they have had a thing for each other since the mid-80's, and as a team, doing this album and not turning one or more band members into a dictator was no longer a priority. Kirk did suffer jealousy issues towards Lars because of this, quoted as saying; "Can I just say something that I think is bullshit, thank you very much?"
edit Becoming a corporation
In 2006, Metallica publicly announced in Canada that they were becoming a full fledged corporation specializing in mining for the purpose of extracting other precious metals, such as Black Sabbath, which has the properties of Bs. Other metals mined include: Iron Maiden (Im), which is apparently extremely flammable, and Led Zeppelin (PbZ) which is radioactive, extremely heavy, and forms compounds capable of flight and speech.
Job titles are as follows:
Lars 'Large Oilrig' Ulrich
(AKA the Fullmetal Alchemist) President & Chief Executive Officer
- Over 30 years of experience in the mining industry, including senior management positions over the past 20 years.
James Caster Virgina Hatfielder
Vice President, Chief Financial Officer & Secretary
Over 20 years of finance, tax and accounting experience, including senior management positions over the past 12 years.
Kirk Lily Hamster
Office Telecommunications Consultant
Over 12 years experience removing jammed paper from photocopiers. Entirely resistant to promotion and/or relevancy.
Robert 'I'm PNG Bro' Gorillo
Mascot and Self-esteem boost for Hammlett
2 years of experience of having opposable thumbs. Featured in British PG tips advertisements in the early 1960s and played Ape #4 in Tarzan 3: There are muthafuckin' chimps in this muthafuckin jungle.
edit Lars Ulrich and the "Turkey Sandwich Phenomenon"
In a July 2007 interview of Portugal's leading heavy metal rag Buttock Grande, Lars Ulrich revealed the 25 year phenomena behind his constant chewing and swallowing between words whilst talking, "In the past I was a little more reserved with making it known, and sure, some people might think it as a strange thing. But the fact of the matter is, I've had the morsels of a turkey sandwich stuck in between my teeth since 1982. It's actually quite a Danish thing to do; it goes back to the tradition started by my great great grandfarther Sarso Ulrich as a means to safely transport deli meat from Gentofte to Copenhagen by donkey sleigh."
edit The End Of Metallica
In 2010 Metallica is expected to perform at a festival in Europe. During this performance, Metallica will play the song Sad But True as their 3rd song and then turn into stone. The statues will remain there for centuries to come. No one will care.
- "Drink 'It All"
- "Ride The Dildo (It feels good)"
- "Molester Of Puppies"
- "...And Justice For Lar$"
- "Alcoholica (The Black Man Album)"
- "Load Of Crap"
- "Reload Of Crap"
- "Gay Inc."
- "We are sexual perverts but if we reveal it we will become unpopular so we hint at it with the name of this album"
- "St. Shiter"
- "CUNT JUICE IN MY BELLY"
- Drink 'Em All - The Super 8 Footage Of Ron McGovernment
- A Year And A Half On The Life Of The Lars Ulrich Band (feat. Metallica)
- Live Shit: Dumps Aplenty!
- Stunning Cunts
- S&M: Kirk's Night Out in The Mission District - Uncut Vol. 1
- Some Kind Of Trashco™
- Lars' Babbles Vol 1, 2 & 3 (Part IV)
- VH1: When Metallica Ruled Monday Night Football (feat. D. Mustaine)
edit The Tale Of Cliff Burton
Cliff Burton, aka The Baked Bass Blitzer, replaced Ron McGovernemt after James and Lars decided Ron was better suited to playing the role of 'beer getter' more than anything else, really. Lurking around the storm drains of L.A., James and Lars were driven by this heavy guitar sound that came from a nearby club. Probably the Rainbow Bar & Grill, by accounts of the emanating pig stench. They went in and searched the stage for the guitarist that was playing with such ferocious noise. Upon closer inspection they came to realise that the guitarist playing was no guitarist; it was the roadie doing soundcheck. But the guy next to the roadie puffing a joint and donning a Misfits shirt gave them a fifth of vodka each and told them to shower as they smelt like 'the East River', and 'Danish armpit'. His name was Cliff Burton.
Soon after Cliff joined the band, guitarist English Mustard gets kicked in the nuts so hard by Ron McGovernment that he forms the band Megadeth. They later find Kirk Lily Hammett to fill in for Mustard. "After getting a call, I went the day after to their hotel room, at noon and find these three guys sleeping together and spooning on the floor." Kirk Hammett - Kerrang Magazine
After making the album Anus Knife, in 1983, they slowly developed a cult following, releasing Ride The Me, in 1984. Soon enough their popularity and street cred gained huge momentum, followed by the now-classic 1986 release Shhh...Don't Tell Anyone (This Is Cliff's Last Album). Mysteriously, they ended up in Sweden, driving up and down autobahn 5A looking for some black ice. For James and Lars, it was time Kirk took 'a ride in Sweden'. But it all went horribly, horribly wrong. The black ice on the road turned out to be the first original guitarist, Lloyd Grant, wet and drunk wearing nothing but a leopardskin thong lying on the road. Cliff was so disgusted with what he saw he jumped trough the bus window to rub dirt in his eyes. Kirk cried, and hasn't stopped crying to this day. The driver maintains that he was high on horse tranquilizers and methylated spirits during the whole time, and didn't know the incident had ever occured until the end of the Reload tour, "Poor Retouring Lars", in 1998.
DID YOU KNOW...
- MetallicA's front member (Vocalist & Rhythm Guitarist) was influence by: Motorhead, Black Sabbath, Thin Lizzy, and his great idol the Lebanese guitarist: Anthony Abi Sleiman (AKA ABS)
- Metallica gained their name from the word "Metalli" (Derived from the word Metealii, meaning money or currency in Turkish)and the Ca came from the abbreviation for "Cannot Play Any Good Fucking Music Since Death Of Cliffy "Astro" Burton" (also known as the C.P.G.F.M.S.D.O.C."A".B.).
- Cliff was the only man who could make Kirk feel like a real woman.
- Lars is actually made up of the Jewish dish Matza.
- Metallica is expected to be filing a new lawsuit in the coming years, again it will be agaisnt the fans. Lars was quoted as to saying " They make fun of us man, and they aren't paying for it, they're trying to stop us from rocking man, and they will pay.".
- The trashcans used on the album St. Anus are now diaper bins that reside in a city refuse plant in Providence, RI.
- James was addicted to drinking corn oil since Drink 'Em All.
- Cliff was the only man who could make Kirk feel like a real woman.
- Kirk is now on the endangered species list.
- The cover of the "Load" album was an actual photo taken from the inside of Kirk Hamlett's sphincter area, after a wild night out with Lars.
- Pro-cyclist Jason Newsted was thought to be a roadie of the band between 1986 and 2001.
- ESP Guitars released a special signature James Hetfield guitar which features only two strings and has fret-wired 'power chord' shapes exclusively on the neck. Special locking-tuners prevent it from being tuned to anything other than 'E'.
- The band Trivium was formed from skin flakes and sweat stains left behind from Metallica's studio sessions in the Presidio.
- The real Metallica who made none of the recent albums were kidnapped by aliens in 1990.
- Lars and Kirk were married on The Jerry Springer Show in the late 1990's, and remain an active part of GLAAD even to this day.
- K-Tel records tried to put out a "Greatest Hits" collection for the band, but couldn't find a single song to stick on the album.
- They are proud NAMBLA members, writing their biggest hit for that cause, 'Enter Sandman'.
- The trash cans used during the "St. Anger" recording sessions have been since replaced by biodegradable Hefty bags.
- Peformance coach Phil Towle is now helping Megadeth release their new album 'Sir Aloof'. English Mustard states; "He is like an angel, coming down from Buffalo, to help me and Junior reunite and to film it all by the Sinofsky brothers. Phil gives the best handjobs, 40K a month might seem steep but once you experience PT's Pump you'll know what I'm talking about!!" Kirk is said to be jealous about Phil and Mustard's 'relationship'.
- Cliff was the only man who could make Kirk feel like a real woman.
edit External Links
Toffee is a substance with endless medicinal and hallucinogenic uses. It is formed from a mixture of tea and coffee that has been allowed to simmer over an open nuclear reactor for 200 years, then put in the Irish Sea to solidify with the rest of the radioactive material.
edit Building material
Toffee is excellent for making stuff with, as it is very hard and cannot be shattered. The only way to make a dent in it is with a blowtorch, and this takes so long that any demolition team gets bored and leaves to find tea with two sugars the conventional way instead.
It is commonly used in conjunction with fudge as a mortar. Many people confuse the two, but the difference is quite simple: fudge is edible, in much the same way as bark, grass and those funny currys with swede in, whereas toffee is lethal.
After softening the toffee (only a little harder than softening diamond), it can be given to small children. On contact with their saliva it will instantly reset, resulting in the most effective method of shutting them up known to man. (Women, of course, know exactly what to do without involving radioactive sludge - but they're not sharing.) Remember that toffee is also used as a projectile in modern warfare...
edit See Also
The joule is a unit of measurement designed by jewel to measure the amount of joule in a piece of jewelry. The amount of joule is measured in terms of joules.
edit History of the Joule
Born asexually in 1470 A.C. to Joules Verne, Joule was poor growing up. It went to a local school where it met Newton. Joule and Newton started a rock called Newton and the Figs. Their popularity in school soon skyrocketed. However, Newton was going through difficult times, and was actually considering changing his value. It was at this time that Joule and Newton decided to go their separate ways. The rest of Joule's high school years were lonely. He had a short-lived relationship with Meter which was destined to fail.
edit The College Years
Joule went to Oxford where he learned many things.
edit Golden Age of Joule
Joule formed a grindcore band in 1788 with college buddy, Byte. This band achieved an enormous amount of success with the 1780s scene. During this period, Joule had tons of sex and did tons of cocaine. However, this band eventually fell apart because Byte wanted to take the band in a more electronic direction, and Joule left the band.
edit Joule's Decline
In 1801, Joule announced his sobriety. He had stopped using cocaine, and everyone could tell. They knew his post-cocaine years were a downward spiral. Joule couldn't stop avoiding addictive substances. In 1869, Joule died of an underdose of heroin.